We are our own worst critic. Part of it is repeating over and over.. and over... what the truth about yourself is. What you know is true.

Robin

i think this is where being kind to yourself and talking to yourself nicely comes into play... i remember my good T last year used to say this to me ALLLLLL the time.... .lolol.... but in some contexts like the one you describe... i think it makes sense...

Its like everything else in therapy, lots of confusion, small steps, and keep doing it over and over. I should have known. Nice to know I'm not alone, though. Thanks for responding.

Hi Attachment Girl, you've touched on something that I think is so hard, facing ourselves truthfully. I think when we get to that place we are really doing heavy duty healing work.

I'd say getting to this place is one of the hardest things I do in my therapy. I will rationalize and deak away to the cows come home...left brain type you know.

Hope it continues to go well...even tho it isn't so comfortable.

Shrinklady

Shrinklady,
I can totally relate to the left brain type, one of the tough things about therapy for me is the fact that I can't just "think" my way out of it. I've used my intellect to try and compensate for a long time. Thanks for the encouragement, its easier to face the discomfort knowing that its healing work. I think the hardest part is coming face to face with the fact that I'm not as good at taking criticism as I'd like to think. Or ok, maybe its the part about not being perfect.
But it does help to know that other people have struggled with this, thanks for commenting. Its also really helped to find a T who really works to accept and understand me in such a way that a safe place to look at myself is created. I don't think I could tolerate this if I didn't think I was secure. I know you have talked in other places about how important safety is and I have to say that my experience has bourne that out.

AG

Attachment Girl,
I know this post was a few months back - hopefully you have worked some of "kinks" out. From personal experience, I know that when the harder issues come up - I fall back into the habit of ignoring it, pushing it back into the box as it were. My T and I have had many conversations with this issue. I keep reminding myself that things are different now, I'm not alone with it anymore. But the hardest thing is to change an ingrained habit.

You sound like you have a good T. I find that same acceptance and non judgment to be the most helpful to allow the memories loose to deal with honestly. Beating one's self up goes with the territory I think - at least for me, but to have that one or two person remind me that was then and now is new - I no longer need to beat myself up.

Ellison

Ellison,
Thanks for posting. I am working some of the "kinks" out. Its a combination of a few different factors. I do have an awesome T who has worked really hard to create a safe place for me and a relationship that I really believe I can trust. Neither of which come easily or naturally to me. Having that place has allowed me to process some deeply buried memories and feelings and I think I have finally rooted out the belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with me or that I'm intriniscally evil. So a lot of condemnation is gone. Also, as the "not so pretty" parts have been coming to life, having my T maintain a steady accepting connection has let me see that having faults or doing some things wrong isn't the end of the world, so I'm learning to accept my humaness better and to try and extend to myself the same kind of grace I give to other people. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'll ever completely get rid of my "horrible" messages (as I think of them) but I'm learning to recognize them and cut them off quicker. I described it to my T as having been in one of those boxes in which you can't sit, lie down, or straigten up, then the box is opened and you can stand and stretch and even run. More space, more choices. So when I do recognize something I don't like it feels like there are more options as to what to do about it all. All that said, I still don't think I take criticism all that well, or that I'm always quick to own up to my faults, but I'm getting better. I should be perfect around 150 years after I die.
Last but not least, watching other people on this website and another group I belong too has been an eye opener. People that are clearly, to me, incredibly strong, brave, resilient, compassionate and giving are saying the same things about themselves and struggling with the same feelings. I can SO clearly see its not true about them, which is helping me to let it go about me. Sorry, I tend to write novels!

AG

AG -
I certainly identify with your "box" analogy. And yes, as I was reminded this morning, what we are feeling is natural - its just going against them bad messages.

You are so right when you say how easily we see the strength and courage in others but not ourselves. I have spent more time doing and caring for others that I never acknowledged my needs or positive points.

No need to be sorry for what you call a 'novel' Mine can be much longer at times, it just means theres alot you want to share

ellison