I’m going on a really big vacation in two weeks, and my eq t has no idea… and I’m scared to tell her. Heck, I’m scared about the trip. We are going to a country that far away on a volunteer trip. I’m going with very safe friends who know me and know my battle with my emotions, and my primary t is super excited I’m going. I’m baffled about that… but she knows very well what I’m getting into, and is really supportive of it…. I can’t afford to do this on my own, someone who knew me stepped in and anonymously paid for all my costs. Which has freaked me out – but I’ve been working through that with my primary T. The part that has freaked me out is just receiving the huge act of kindness that it is.

Right now, I’m not sure how I feel about it all. I picked up my visa and plane ticket today though. It’s real.

Right now, I’m on an unplanned break from school, and this is an amazing opportunity... The country we are going to and the work we will be doing is fairly safe – and yet it will be literally on the other side of the planet.
I haven’t told my equine t I’m going. I’m scared to tell her. I did tell her last week I’m going on a trip and wondered if I could have an appointment for the week I got back, which is just before the Thanksgiving holiday. We only had moments to schedule, no time to talk, but she said yes, and we scheduled a time.

I could probably totally get by without ever telling her where I am going and what I am doing for the next two weeks. But, the thing is, part of why I wanted to see her when I got back was to do one of many things to help re-ground back to life here... and well, it’s gonna be hard to not tell her then, after I get back, and it feels really dishonest and unfair to her to tell her then, after I get back, that oh, btw, I just got back from…

I need to say something. I’m scared to tell her. I fear I will seem like an idiot, taking on too much by attempting this. I fear if I don’t tell her and/or I don’t go, I’m giving in to whatever limits I place on myself…

The reality is, I am really messed up, and yet I really can probably do this trip – at least survive it… My primary T thinks it will be a good chance to get away, and stretch myself doing something I do love doing and that others can use on this trip. Maybe she is right, maybe not… I dunno.

I’m just sitting here in tears wondering how can I be this messed up? How can I go do this when I can’t even hack telling my t this? Shouldn’t traveling halfway around the world be scarier than telling my T I am traveling halfway around the world?

My primary T wants me to tell her, in part because I want to take photos of the horses with me. I already have a couple – but I want to take them with me – and my primary T says maybe she will have other ideas too.

I may not keep this post up for long... I just had it get it out... or something...

I feel like such an idiot. What am I doing? How can I be doing this? I was just in intensive treatment 8 months ago...