Hi Iris,
I think that you are making connections to what you need to do to gain a sense of your own worth. Part of that will be looking at the lies you were taught as a child, such as the one about you ruining your mother's life. Being able to talk about those feelings to someone who can listen and understand why you would believe them, but can affirm that they are not true. It can take a lot of time and happens in small increments, but you can learn to "push back" against those beliefs. So those deep seated beliefs will get kicked up at times but you become much quicker to recognize them and consciously decide to recognize that your feelings don't reflect reality.

As for your sense of worth, I can share how it worked for me. I remember talking to my T once about needing to find my sense of worth inside me and he told me that our sense of our worth always comes from the outside (not our worth, that is just a fact, but our knowledge of it has to be taught) but when we learn it as a child, we can take it in on a much deeper level such that it becomes a "felt" reality. We cannot learn it as deeply as an adult, it will never be quite the instinctive knowledge that it would be for someone who had "good enough" parenting, but we can "earn" a secure attachment. That having a focused, attuned person to interact with, who will listen when we speak, and work to understand us is what communicates to us our worth. In other words, my T acted as if I mattered, because he believes I matter and eventually after experiencing it for long enough, I was able to internalize a fairly stable sense of it. I don't want to lie, I can still struggle with feeling worthless or get caught in a shame storm, but I can also work at knowing that my sense of worthlessness and shame are not true. But even more precious is the fact that sometimes I KNOW and FEEL that I am worthwhile. I can accept that who I am, while human and not perfect (by a long shot ) is still worthwhile and worthy of care and love.

There's a blog called Monkeytraps that has a great post on this that I thought explained what I worked for a very long time to learn in a really clear concise way.

Bert's Therapy: Self-Esteem

AG

Thank you for responding, AG, and for the link - I have read that before but I was in a different place then, I think.
It is kind of reassuring to know that it is possible to feel worthwhile occasionally - and yes, I really do understand the role a T can play in just being there and letting me know I am worth waiting for, when I don't think I'm doing anything at all because I can't speak...

At the moment, I'm tired of pushing back the unhelpful thoughts and beliefs and just want them to stop. I guess I want a magic wand... There is no such thing, is there?! Just got to keep on keeping on...

Thanks again - there is something counter-intuitive about risking feeling ignored by posting a question when I'm worried about self-worth! Suddenly whether anyone responds becomes part of all that...
I know that's not the case - knowing and feeling so rarely joined up, though!!

Iris

Iris, hi.

I have a huge problem with self-worth. Just a couple of weeks ago, I told T that I didn't deserve love. She asked me if anyone else does, am I the only one in the world who doesn't deserve love. I've often thought I didn't deserve happiness, too, but now I know it is more that I just don't know what that is, or how to 'be.' I struggle a lot with showing my love for other people....it screams inside of me, I think about it a lot, but it doesn't come out. The marriage therapist H and I saw said we have to love ourself before we can love others. I like the link AG posted because when I read it, it made so much sense to me.

I especially need reassurance from my husband, which I haven't really gotten in about 5-7 years (we have been married 12), so when I was finally ready to call it quits, he all of a sudden said he loved me. Then I was like, "What do you love me for? What value do I have in your life? Why do you need me? Why do you love me?" Thankful we had an anniversary on 2/29, because I think it somehow helped to just 'be' okay with him caring for me, now, and realizing we all make mistakes and he will hurt me again but we will be okay.

As for T....

UGH!

Why does she care? She's a/my therapist. She cares because she has a good heart. She cares because she sees something good in me. She cares, mostly because I have 4 children and my children need me. I know this. Sometimes I think she is more their therapist than mine, and she hasn't even done therapy with them. Sometimes I am angry at her for that, I am sure that's my inner child screaming, "What about me?!" The adult me says, "Am I only worth something because I have children?"

quote:

Is it possible through working with my T, who I do fleetingly feel connected to, that I'll learn I am worth having a relationship with?

I do know, for me, it definitely has helped.

My mom .... oh, my mom. She's not the affectionate type, and she has made a lot of mistakes, but she loves me the way she knows how. I wish she could have helped me feel worthwhile throughout my life so I wouldn't feel so lost at 38.

It's a battle.

I'm sorry you are going through some of it, too.

I thought I would share some of me, so you knew you weren't alone.

I read this whole post and I can relate!

Love the term "Shame Storm" btw...

I like what you said, Iris, about the fact that there is no "magic wand" to banish the feelings of unworthiness. To be honest, sometimes we get conflicting messages from "out there"- one day someone will casually tell us to "just stop" the negative thoughts, and then another day, we hear that feelings of unworthiness or shame will happen whether we want them to or not.

At times, it just feels like more "noise" that I don't need, and that conflict creates doubt in my own ability to discern, which leads to even deeper feelings of unworthiness. How about you?

So refreshing to hear that our sense of self-worth DOES come from the outside! We DON'T live in a vacuum! I was getting tired of the whole "self love" line of thinking. Very tired. Self-acceptance makes sense, but I always thought that the "self love" piece... I hear it EVERYwhere- even yoga instructors go on and on about it... just sounded a little "off".

What you and AG had to say was actually useful and well-thought out, as platitudes, easy answers, and shortcuts can do more harm that good, me thinks. And I thank you for posting this!

Ninn, thank you for sharing a little of yourself. Definitely worth doing as it is always good to feel that we're not alone. I think I always take the incredibly arrogant view that I know better than anyone else and those who profess to care about me are doing so in error: if they knew what I knew, they would hate me.
And I can entirely relate to wanting to know why someone likes me or is intersted in me or even loves me... Though I struggle with the whole love thing. I feel incredibly inexperienced and bewildered by the concept and my T is very careful about using the term as she knows I feel overwhelmed by it. She does tell me she loves me, though and and holds me in her heart, which I am growing to like.

I am unable to have children and that has fed into my feeling of unworthiness. I have made a connection between my entitlement to life and my entitlement to have a child of my own. I wanted something to tether me to the world, I thought a child would do that. But that's another story...

Number9, I'm really glad you found topic helpful. I find it really hard to know what I really think or feel - I am so accustomed to adapting myself to what I suspect other people need that whenever my T asks me what I want from her, I'm stumped. I find it incredibly frustrating because I know right up until the moment I see her or speak to her on the phone what I need and recognise what I haven't got what I really wanted after being in contact with her, but in those 50 minutes I have very little idea...
I think it's perhaps possible to behave as if we feel worthy of love and attention, and that can sort of be contagious for a bit. And I compartmentalise it - I believe I am a skilled, knowledgeable professional and in work mode, no one would dream I didn't believe I should be listened to!

Thanks for responses, feel a little better having shared. Sending hugs through ether to bolster sense of worthiness in all xx

Echo- thank you for letting me know
It's good to hear that you feel things have got better. I think I didn't realise how much I doubted my worth until I learned to listen to myself, if that makes sense.
My T often reminds me that this is long, slow, difficult work. Difficult, but not impossible. I believe her, sporadically...

xx

quote:

I am unable to have children and that has fed into my feeling of unworthiness.

I experience the sane, Iris. Even though I have adopted a beautiful daughter, I still have a lot of myself attached negatively to not being able to have my own children.

i have lots of self-worth issues too

i've learned... planting little seeds of self compassion, grows in to love eventually. every time you're gentle with yourself you water those things, every time you judge you take away the sun...and the growth slows down. that's been my experience so far. right now i have a tiny little ugly looking twig thing popping out of the ground but... hoping to have a tree for myself. it is as others have said, super long... super slow... super hard over the past two years i've gotten to a point where... sometimes I won't beat myself LOL that's about as compassionate as it gets.

((Iris)) sorry you are hurting.