Hi Bostongirl,
Welcome to the forums, I am glad you decided to post. I have told my therapist I loved him on several occasions (once in writing) and we have discussed his love for me, but he has never said it. If you don't mind, I am going to provide links to a couple of posts on my blog that talk about this. I also think you find a post by Martha Crawford, on her blog "What a shrink thinks," really helpful. I'll provide the links below.

This is a tough one because of the boundaries, but I do not believe you did anything wrong by saying how you felt. I am glad that you have such a close, connected relationship with your T.

Unspoken at What a shrink thinks

The "L" word Part I

The "L" word Part II

AG

Hi BostonGirl,

It was the title of your thread that struck me first. Why 'admitting'? I thought; why not just expressing? I hope you don't feel any sense of having done anything wrong in expressing your love for your T, because I don't believe you have.

I've been seeing my T for about 18 months and I tell her almost every week that I love her. For a long time, all she would say in response was 'ah, but you don't know the real me; you only see one side of me' Then one session earlier this year she surprised the hell out of me by replying with 'yes; I know you do'!! Her acceptance that I do love her was a long time coming.
I tried a few times to get T to tell me she loved me back by saying things like 'you do love me really' in a half joking sort of way, and all I got back was an 'I love all my clients' Not quite what I wanted to hear!

Then a couple of months ago I told T I loved her as I was leaving and she immediately replied back 'I love you too'!!, and she's said it a couple more times since.

It is a tough one to deal with, as AG said; and you're right, it is the elephant in the room at times. T is forever monitoring that the benefits I gain from therapy with her outweigh any negatives that might arise from my feelings for her; and so long as the 'healthy me thoughts' as she calls them outstrip the 'unhealthy me thoughts' for her, she's happy for things to continue. One thing I have noticed though is that if I talk about any negative reactions stemming from my love for her, she will always instantly revert back into what I call her 'ultra professional' T mode for most of that session!!

I don't know if this helps at all; but I wouldn't change the relationship I have with my T for anything, despite the occasional heartache it causes

AV.

Thank you to both for your very helpful comments.
AG - I have been a silent fan of your blog for a while, your posts on "L" and also erotic transference were thoughtful, and so incredibly supportive/helpful. I have yet to find something as meaningful on the net and I am very grateful for all that you share.

Avoidant - I also really appreciate what you had to say. I am curious though what a "healthy me thought" or an "unhealthy me thought" might be...Can you elaborate a little more on that?
Does she just spontaneously tell you she loves you - or only in response to when you say it? That must feel so great to you. Have you ever wished for more? (Please feel free to avoid - if I am asking quesions that are too personal).
I do feel there is a very strong chemistry between me and my T - but as a result, it does create a terrible longing, which is sooooo hard to deal with.

Hi ((BG))

Ah yes; the healthy or unhealthy 'me' thoughts! I suppose in a nutshell, the difference between two is whether I'm thinking about my therapy or thinking about my therapist!! Am I thinking or doing something that is helpful and healing to me, or am I thinking or dwelling on something I have no control over and hence unhelpful. An example of past unhealthy me thinking would be this. T has a very active pinterest page, literally thousands of pins on there; and I would be constantly looking at her new pins. Last summer after T had a few days in L.A. she began pinning stuff about long distance relationships etc and I put 2 and 2 together and made 5, assuming T had a love interest in the US and would soon be leaving! It was nothing of the sort of course, but that unhealthy thinking caused me a lot of emotional pain.

As for your other questions; T has only ever said she loves me in response to me telling her, never spontaneously. But.......; you know when you say something to someone and there's always that fraction of a second while the other person processes their response? Well the first time T said she loved me in response to my telling her, it was an instantaneous response, like her emotional brain had replied before her rational brain had a chance to think! IDK if that makes any sense, but we did talk about it afterwards, like we always do, and she didn't deny that's whats happened

quote:

. Have you ever wished for more

I will answer you Yes; of course I have. I'd be lying to you if I said otherwise.

quote:

I do feel there is a very strong chemistry between me and my T - but as a result, it does create a terrible longing, which is sooooo hard to deal with

EXACTLY! And oh so true for me also.

AV.