Hi km... I think xoxo said it perfectly and I don't really have anything to add here. I would say to keep in mind that it may not be your adult self who is in love with T, but maybe the deprived inner child who longs to cuddle up with T and find the safe affection she was denied in the past. My T has told me it will more likely be my child who loves him while the adult will have the more grown up affection, respect and caring for him in the proper perspective. I, too, have really strong urges to cuddle up in his lap or sit at his feet while he reads to me. I now have a better understanding of this than I did with my oldT.

Also, as xoxo said, it's very common to have loving feelings or erotic transference for a T of the same sex. This is good to work through in therapy and I'm glad you can be so open with your T.

Keep up the good work!
TN

Thanks for your responses. You both have wise things to say. The first that hit home was when xoxo said [I don't think you're crazy for holding on to fantasies about your relationship with your therapist. You are not alone in that! Those feelings-holding onto that hope-often stem from childhood where we hoped and silently begged for love and acceptance by our caregivers. Children hold out for a long, long time. It is intense. You might or might not be repeating a childhood dilemma, but even so, this is a normal part of therapy.]

I knew of the confusiong feelings of nurturing, love and sex going into this. Discussed this and my specific sexual abuse with my T at our first session. This is when I was interviewing Ts. I was determined to get the issues out on the table to start with as I didn't want to waste anymore of my life. I told her of my issues as if i was talking about someone else though so i was not feeling it at the time. But for me, this was still huge for me because my shame, embarrassment, etc. kept me from ever sharing these things. I also shared my confusions about my sexuality which I had not done before looking for a T. During this "interview" process, I did share these things with all the Ts I met with. I did find it scary, shameful and embarrassing and felt vulnerable but I forced myself to do it anyway.

For the record, I felt attracted to my T as a person and romantically probably by the second or third session before any attachment was really formed. I liked her.

Now that I shared so much with her including my fantasy of an intimate relationship down the line, I think we can start getting to the root of things. Just how things come out in the wash remains to be seen. 1st though, there are connection issues she wants discuss more.

Thanks for the comments regarding my openess and that I seem to be doing everything right in therapy and doing good work. I am trying and have gained a lot of self discovery and more self acceptance. It gives me hope and makes me feel good.

I do not want to continue to live the way i have been especially as these kid feelings starting coming back with greater frequency and lasting longer. Some are very dark painful feelings. Something very small at my core being feels that if I can overcome this, that there can be wonderful things on the other side. I really want to find peace, a loving relationship and to be a better person. There is so much ugliness in this world but there is so much beauty too.

This site has been a Godsend. It sometimes helps me get thru very difficult times. Thanks again for your feedback.

Peace and love to you,
km

quote:

Something very small at my core being feels that if I can overcome this, that there can be wonderful things on the other side.

This is a great attitude and you need to keep it going through the tough times. I am hoping for this too and when it gets hard, my T reminds me of just what you wrote above. He agrees with you! He tells me that therapy is the hardest thing I'll ever do but it will be so worth it on the other side and he is looking forward to going there with me.

I'm so glad you have found this site to be supportive and helpful. We do our best.

Hugs
TN