Oh I thought i was too much for my T maybe not in the same way as you. For me i thought she would never be able to get over my walls (coz they are very high) but she is just starting to prove me wrong. I also didnt want her to know what i was really thinking inside because i felt mad for thinking it.

But ive learned to let little thoughts out ( just to test her) and she just accepts what i have to say, without me feeling stupid for sayin it.

Have you tried to write what you feel and give it to her....lots of people do it here

I think you tell her about the door, maybe she leave it opened a bit for you.

Dont know if ive helped any, good luck with your next session x

Hev

Thank you for reassuring me with your responses.
I will be honest however, that I still feel unsafe in her office. I dont think I can gather up the..."courage??" to tell her about the door, or about other things, I fear she will get angry at me or something, or that she will suddenly think im being stupid or ridiculous. I am being and feeeling really ridiculous. I keep having these visions that she will get me alone in the room and grab my wrists and try to hit me. I know she wont, but Im scared of being alone with people in rooms.
I dont know whats wrong with me this is so irrational

Don’tgiveuponme - I’m really sorry you are so afraid, I relate so much to fear it invades my head all the time so I have some small idea of how bad you are feeling about all this (and that it seems irrational - which only makes everything even scarier!)

It’s not something you can sort out on your own, a good T that you can trust can really help you with the things you are talking about. If even asking for the door to be left open is too much for you, I reckon what you do need to do is tell your T simply THAT you are terrified, not necessarily why or what about - just try and get across to her how profoundly scared you are full stop. It’s perfectly possible you’re doing a really good job of not showing it so she doesn’t have a clue. Would you be able to do something like that? Or even write to her that you’re scared - getting across to her some of your fear without having to expose yourself too much?

I so hope she can make you trust her really soon. :hug:

Lamplighter

Don'tgiveuponme

Do you know, I think that what you are experiencing are understandable reactions to th ehorrible things that happened to you. I am sure that she will know this and understand and almost expect a level of reaction and distress as result of what you share - and I know that doesn't make it any easier for you to tell but I always feel helped my knowing that my T understands the process of what is going on for me as well as the emotion.

I have been with my T for several years and there are still things that I cannot talk of - shame and horror too much. We both know this and it has to come gradually, for me the shame feels too overwhelming to bear if I let it out too quickly or at all. And I have also been frightened, especially in the early days, of my T; thinking she wiuld hurt me was a regular occurrence and it's really awful. Sometimes I couldn't tell her for a while, but I alwas did eventually and she was very understanding and she was then especially alert to the triggers for me from things she said or did and could avoid them.

Yes this does all make you feel mad. I've lost count of the number of times I have asked my T if she thought I was mad. I am sure yours would give the same very honest reply - 'not at all'. What is hapenening to you is a result of the bad things that were done to you and nothing to do with you as a person.

Do tell her as much as you can bear. It sounds like she is pretty switched on and there for you. It normally helps in the long run, however painful at the time.

Hug (((((Don'tgiveuponme))) I am sure she won't.

starfish

Thank you all so much for helping me feel less alone. I appreciate your support

do let us know how your next session goes. You are not on your own (((((Don'tgiveuponme))))

starfish