BG, that doesn't sound crazy at all.

It feels so much safer knowing there is someone to listen to your issues and help you to work through them so it is really scary to think that we would be able to do this ourselves .

Saying that, it sounds like great progress that you feel that you would be able to use your own coping skills to get through.

I think it is really natural to feel this way.

Butterfly

Hi BG,
If you're crazy for feeling that way, then move over and make room on the crazy bench.

I expressed this exact fear to my T early on, that getting better was scary, because it meant I had to leave. That was the first of many (and I literally mean dozens!) of times that he told me I was welcome to come as long as I wanted to, that he would never ask me to leave. He stuck with that right to the end too. I actually made emergency calls to him to make sure I could really stay until I was ready to leave because despite his assurances whenever I made major progress I would get scared.

Talk to your T about how you're feeling. It wasn't until I got those reassurances from my T that I really started to let myself get better, because getting better no longer meant I was leaving. Or at least I wasn't leaving until I felt ready. And I can honestly say that in the end, the ending was my idea and on my timetable.

Congrats on the every other week sessions. May I gently point out that opening up the gap between sessions probably means you're already doing what you're saying you need to do, which is coping more on your own.

AG

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
Hi BG,
If you're crazy for feeling that way, then move over and make room on the crazy bench.

AG....is there room for me on your crazy bench? I have had a few conversations with my T about my fear of not having that 1 hour a week. I lay in bed at night and have similiar "anxiety" hours thinking about how the heck can I go through life without it...I liken it to how I thought it was so absurd to even think that I could drive my car without smoking!!!! But, here I am ...been driving a car for over 2 years and imagine that...I do it without a smoke in my hand. But I remember how scary, literally paralyzing that thought was for me just 2 years ago.

BG...NOT CRAZY...I could have written this post word for word about 6 months ago. I too start to make connections during the week, I start thinking about why I am feeling a certain way and I actually work through it quite easily some days and not so easily other days. On the days I work through it easily, I catch myself and almost forget to breath due to the sheer panic that sets in about whether or not that means I will not need therapy anymore! My T has done the same thing AG's T has done..reassured me that I can be done when I want to be done. That there is no set time, everyone is different and just becuase we are starting to figure things out, doesn't mean we are "cured".....we can never be "cured" becuase that would mean there is no work left to be done and if you blieve there is no work to be done, then you have attained perfection...which we all know is quite unattainable. We are human, we are broken, and there will always be room for therapy for improvement, for introspection as long as we embrace that brokeness! So, part of it for me was accepting that therapy isn't about being crazy and needing to get cured. It wasn't about having depression and "getting over" it. With the subtle help of my T I would imagine, I began to believe, realize and accpet that therapy was yes about healing, but it was also about staring that human condition squarely in the face and realizing that perfection cannot ever be attained and so that is ok. Therapy doesn't need to have a black and white "end", but oddly enough you come to realize that there probably will be an "end" but you will feel much differently about it. I am starting to accept that I am likely nearing the "end" of the therapy that I started almost 2 years ago...but not the "end" of therapy all together. The things I've learned, the tools I've gained will allow me to continue my therapy more independent, day to day, outside the confines of that office I've come to feel so safe in. But it won't "end" really, because I always have that office, the conversations, the insight, the enlightenment that I've come to know becuase of it. I know I'm rambling now and I apologize, so I'll end with this. My T also has said that I am welcome to come back (after this end I speak of ) and many do come back every few months for a "tune up".

BG....take care and know you aren't crazy...you are just human and if you can accept that, you can accept just about anything

Hals
***Gosh...this post probably sounds like it was written by a rambling who knows what and all of you will probably think...Hals not as close to the end as she thinks she is

quote:

***Gosh...this post probably sounds like it was written by a rambling who knows what and all of you will probably think...Hals not as close to the end as she thinks she is

Actually Hals I thought you made TOTAL sense. There is more room on the crazy bench, but I'm afraid you don't belong there! (OK for the record nor do I or BG!)

It was five weeks yesterday since I ended with my T and I've called once and written one email. I include a section of the email below:

quote:

Do you know the oddest part about this? Therapy doesn't stop when you leave therapy. I know, I know, we discussed so many times that growth and learning never stop, but as usual it's one thing to intellectually understand and another to actually experience it.

So I think you were spot on Hals. In some ways, the only thing that has changed is that the conversations take place inside my head with the virtual model of my T instead of his office with him really there. I've internalized him enough to have a good idea of what he'd be saying. OK, I'm pretty sure him asking me to just run away with him is my addition to the model.

AG

quote:

So I think you were spot on Hals. In some ways, the only thing that has changed is that the conversations take place inside my head with the virtual model of my T instead of his office with him really there. I've internalized him enough to have a good idea of what he'd be saying. OK, I'm pretty sure him asking me to just run away with him is my addition to the model.

AG...this is so funny...I have done this so many times as far had something come up and I can almost hear him in the backgroud with some of his usual "canned" responses, but other times with some very wise words for me. I can even picture the "look" of either concern or compassion, or whatever it may be...I just have to believe that it is really "my voice" I'm hearing, just still not sure enough to believe it.

and AG...I really want to say to you how much help you and your posts/insight on therapy has been for me personally! You have an awesome spirit and thanks for sharing and being so open!

thanks BG for starting this thread. I am going to come back and re-read it, because there is PLENTY of things here i relate to, and need to dig deeper into.

...oh, and btw: iľl be glad to sit on the bench with you all, - i am- more or less paralized all the time by the thought of ending therapy. THerefor i am scared every time - no i WAS scared to show my T any signs of coping skills. ANd i hatet it when he pointed out how well i coped and stuff like that, because i took it as a warning that i was expected to end therapy then.. Gosh- this all makes sense now.. this is why i always tend to wanna give the impression to T, that it's something really wrong with me- something that needs therapy treatment- forever lol. poor T- i seriously have blamed him for not finding out whats 'wrong' with me...

yet, me to, like AG and Hals, have become more and more aware of that its ok for me to cope and show it to my T as well, and that it wont lead me fast and hard to the final end with therapy.

SO MENY session my T has tried to assure me and say something helpful in response to my burdening struggling with the feeling that i HAD to suffer in order to be allowed to be his patient. ALL the time, pointing out that the therapy ending would be MINE decition, reassured me that i would be allowed to stay in therapy no matter what i felt: glad or sad, coping or not coping, happy or broken. I didnt manage to grasp the truth in this response back then, but i sertantly realize and accept it bit by bit now.. it finally start to sink in.. and what a RELIEFE

and yes: i TALK TO MY T ALL THE TIME - FANTASY CONVERSATIONS my head...but it works, so heck..why not? glad to know i am not the only one..

ok, this was suppose to just be a short drop in, this has became a rambling post, guess i had alot on my mind..ok, anyways: thanks again for this thread and to the great posters here. now i really have run to catch my flight