Last seesion was Friday. Deep session..... Previous ones over the last few months have seemed more conversational and surface level. Talked about specific triggers and specific traumas. I revealed how I have been feeling inside...deep down inside. ****Trigger Warning*** told her how the thought of self harm calms my mind. Makes me feel light, like all the weight is lifted off and Im floating. We left like usual with a hug when it was time to go. Only this time, I didn't have a lot of strength to hug her and it felt like I couldn't let go or I would fall down. Of course I did let go and I walked to my car. I sat in my car for awhile with the air and music on trying to feel "normal" before I drove. My heart was pounding and I felt like I might burst out in tears or a screaming rage at any minute and the only thing keeping me calm was sitting there, not moving with my eyes closed. Eventually I remember that I needed to go pick up my son and I left. I got about 3 side streets away and had to pull over b/c my whole body started shaking and my heart was pounding and I couldn't concentrate on driving or remember where I was or should be going. I had a little mini break down. After I got it together again (so I thought), I found my way to the freeway and headed to pick up my son only to realize much later that I had driven waaayy past the exit I needed and had no idea where I was. I burst into tears and called my Husband who mostly just got scared and didn't help at all. I got it together and finally got my son and got home safe. I am afraid to go back now. I'm afraid that really getting into the nitty gritty of how I am feeling and what my mind is thinking is too much for me to handle. I didn't go to my session today. I feel like its easier to just keep masking like I have been. I am so afraid of the real feelings to come out - what if I do act on them?