Hello Everyone,

My wife is traveling again, which (as many of you know or could guess) is really hard for me.

These last few trips *should have been* really difficult. They have all the characteristics of being intensely problematic for my injured child stuff - two trips in one month, multiple days each, far away, traveling with people/friends she has really intense relationships with, limited contact with me during the travel, etc.

But the trips themselves have been so much better - and I'm so relieved. I'm not loving it, let me tell you. But she is working hard to be sensitive to my needs, and I have been working really hard in therapy to gain new tools and strengthen new muscles. But I am spending so much less time in total terror-stricken freak out.

But I do seem to be following a pattern - I spend days leading up to her leaving in the presence of the part of me I call 6 (for her age). It's all sobbing, and despair, and helplessness, and please don't leave me, please don't go.

Then she goes. And I feel a bit better. I can do this. I'm managing. I have lots to keep me busy with work and kids, I have my in-laws supporting me and making things easy, etc. I have little flashes of scared, little flashes of sadness. But I know more how to do the self-care things that help me stay grounded.

But then we get to the last day of her trip, her coming home day, and I lose my sh*t. I completely flip out. FLIP OUT. It's the worst.

I am so terrified of her coming back.

I know this is all anchored in my childhood. The most dangerous time for me as a kid was when my mother came home from work. It was so much safer for me to have been in the room with my mother for a period of time than it was for her to suddenly come home. When she was at work, I couldn't monitor her, I wasn't able to be vigilant, I couldn't monitor everything about her mood and movements to anticipate what came next. She would come in the door, and I had to figure things out FAST. I often awoke to being beaten (my mom worked nights and come home when I was still asleep) for something she found out overnight or found when she came home.

So, I get that part of my "coming home" reaction is to the violation of vigilance. I haven't been able to track my wife's every facial expression, her movements, and I'm intensely aware of how dangerous that feels.

I also know it's complicated by my whole "I shouldn't have needs or feelings" thing. She comes home, and she is going to see that I was upset. She is going to see that I had a hard time. I get intense feelings of not wanting her to look at me, or touch me. I don't want her to "see" me at all. I struggle SO MUCH with feeling like I am not a good spouse to her because of my feelings and needs.

So, because it's not safe to HAVE feelings (because I haven't been vigilant) and I am actually having LOTS of feelings, I can feel myself go into the avoidant part of my disorganized attachment. My spectrum runs like this:

I'm fine (on the left, let's say). Grounded and anchored, all adult head space, it's gravy. Then, a step to the right, is "yanking on me." I'm in adult head space, but I can feel 6/13 pulling on me. Something is dangerous here, something is bad. Then another step to the right is identified with 13/6 in the needy place. I'm upset, I'm crying, I need my wife, I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm SCARED, and I'm SAD. The feelings are overwhelming. Then another step to the right, when I suddenly figure out that these feelings are both BIG and UNSAFE to have at the moment, is avoidant. I go "underground". I can literally feel it flip. I start chanting, This has nothing to do with me. This has nothing to do with me. This has nothing to do with me. I can feel myself severing connection. I'm terrified of my wife. I don't want her in the same room as me. I just want her to leave me alone. If she gets too close, if she says ANYTHING nice, if she comes towards me at all, it's unbearable. I want to bolt, and it's awful.

So, here I am, doing okay with these days that she is away, and thinking about her return on Tuesday. Her last trip was the worst return day we have ever had. The worst. I felt like I lost my mind. I felt insane. It scared me.

So, what's my question? I'm not sure I know.

Do you "get" any of this?

Is it possible that I am dissociated or avoidant during the days she is away and that's why I am feeling "better" but then she comes home and I can't stay there? (**I don't think it's dissociated. I am learning more how to recognize dissociated, and I don't think that's it. But it might be avoidant - I don't want to listen to the voice mails she had left me, and when she calls to check it, it makes it worse worse worse. Oh, crap, I think I go avoidant, so it feels better to me. Oh, no. I am upset to realize this. I thought I was doing "better." ).

Do you have any suggestions?