Afraid/worried again - erotic transference? | The PsychCafe

amazonMember

I noticed that unfortunately I am developing more and more erotic feelings for my T. And it all started as pure, platonic , asexual (almost asexual) love. I think I was denying any sexual attraction that I may have for him, because that would make things more complicated, and besides I was in a relationship.
Since I remember my sessions in bits, they might have been something he said/suggested about me wanting to be seen as a woman. And it was in the context of a dream I had, where I met with a different therapist who wanted to replace my current one and who's arm was touching mine when we walked together and I loved that touch. So after that I let myself drift a bit mre into my erotic fantasies about him and even wrote down one to let him know what is the story (never gave it to him).

My last session started as usual with me being on the edge of panic (normal thing) and him trying to make me relaxed a bit if that's at all possible. At some point later on I made some loose remarks about him looking nice in that top he's wearing. When he asked why I liked it I replied that probably because it is tighter, so I could see his lovely (I didn't use that word) shape better. Eventually after examining him carefully I mentioned that he looks kind of sexy today. And he said nothing in reply, just sort of looked away (??) and then we talked about something else. So I'm a bit puzzled. I don't know what to do. Is it ok for me to have that kind of feelings for him? I'm lost and I don't know what to do. Basicly I don't know if he will be able to handle it. I know he's been trained to do it, but I'm afraid if he may feel uncomfortable with me, or worse - he may feel attracted to me. Than he will have to transfer me and I can't imagine how much pain that would cost me.

I read that sexual feelings should be discussed in therapy but never acted out. Fine with me, but how will I know what can I discuss. Will I discuss with him that I pictured him naked and masturbating under the shower? He would fall of his chair and I would die of shame.
I have 18 days left till my next session. Maybe I will start writing litte porn stories about him.

I know that some of you had suffered a lot because your Ts were not doing the best job about transference. My T has only 4 years of experience as a therapist, so should I be afraid? He's quite attractive guy, married - so at least no fear that he's a pervert looking only to be loved and desired by his female clients. So now I have another issue - will I be able to distinguish his genuine care about me from any possible attraction? I know I couldn't do that with other men.

12/24/098:38 AM

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zMember

This is where I'm glad my T is 37 years older then me

Not that this entirely stops these sorts of feelings, mind you.

This is tough, since it can go so wrong or be a huge breakthrough. I think that your telling him he looks sexy was sort of "acting it out" instead of "talking about it." Perhaps that's why it didn't get any traction? I think my advice would be to talk about your feelings from 10,000 feet at first, rather then giving him the porn you're going to write. (I'm teasing a little here, hope you don't mind.) Something like "I'm finding myself having erotic feelings towards you." I dunno, am I making any sense?

My T has admitted that he is attracted to me and has had some fantasies about me, but does not indulge them. (So he says

I think for us, the most important thing is that we both value our relationship that we have over a relationship that would not ultimately work. My point with that was that genuine care and attraction are not mutually exclusive. It's what you two act on that is most important.

To wrap up my rambling ... I think I'd be lying if I said you shouldn't worry, it's a risk. I think that it is probably one worth taking though.

12/24/099:40 AM

amazonMember

Thanks Heather, your reply was actually very helpful.
I don't know if he is in any way attracted to me but just the thought that he might be worried me a great deal. He is same age as me. Thanks. It's good to find out that as you said genuine care and attraction do not exclude each other. Should be kind of obvious but isn't.

Perhaps I was trying to act out because I don't know how to talk about it? Thank you really for your advise. You are making a good deal of sense. I know I'm going to run a couple of tests on him before I move on to that point again. And I will try to to talk about my erotic feelings in a gentle and civilized manner.

12/24/092:28 PM

pippiMember

You should talk to your therapist about it but just take it slowly. I kind of hinted around at the face that I was having sexual thoughts and fantasies about him. And then I wrote down on paper more than once that I was thinking about having sex with him or giving him a blow job or whatever I was thinking. I would let him read it but wouldnt have much to say about it. I finally wrote down on paper asking him what is okay to say and what isnt because I am so scared of being too honest and saying something that is wrong or that would make him mad and stop seeing me, but at the same time if I couldnt be completely honest with him about what I am thinking and feeling then what was the point in talking about it. He told me that I do need to be honest about it but that I dont have to give him details. If I am thinking about having sex with him then I should say something like "Im having sexual thoughts about you right now." Then he could understand why I was having a hard time focusing on what we are talking about and we could discuss what is really going on. But that if I were to say "I want to pull your pants down right now and have sex with you" then it would be more acting out and make me think about it even more and make the situation worse.

So he said the best deal is to just be honest to the point where he knows basically what is going on and leave out all the details.

Although when he mentioned what not to say he said the exact words I wrote above about pulling his pants down. And that made me REALLY starting thinking about what I wanted to do with him but at that point I couldnt tell him cause I was too embarrassed by what he said cause it was so much like what I was really thinking.

I see him on the 12th of January and I am planning on going in there and really talking and working through this stuff. That is my plan for now, but I might get scared and back out. But for this year in therapy I am going to try to talk more, be more honest, and work through the tough issues that I have been so scared to deal with.

12/27/097:03 PM

amazonMember

Now, I have dream to tell him and that is going to be kind of challenging. Usually when I have a dream there is something happening in therapy - like I'm taking one step forward and reveal something that otherwise I probably wouldn't.

In my dream I had a therapy session. We were sitting very close to each other, my knees were touching his. Later on I was sitting sort of beside him and still our legs were touching. We talked about something and suddenly he leaned forward and kissed my breast. (For some reason I wasn't wearing a bra, I had it in my bag). As he did that I got such a fright that I instantly got up and run away from him. I absolutely loved what he did but I know that this is serious violation of a boundary and I fell into despair that my therapist is abusing me and I can't trust him anymore, I can't see him anymore and our relationship is over. I was really upset in my dream about it. I couldn't get over being forever separated from hm, so I started to think, that maybe I could go back, maybe he could apologize and we could fix it and still see each other.

I think within a month or two since I started to see him I started half counsciously to put more attention to what I was wearing on that day. I wanted to look nice but not too much so he wouldn't think that I dress for him. And I was carefully aware not to wear a skirt on that day. I was kind of picking clothes that would look feminine but not too much. Of course I spent months and months in denial over the clothing issue. Recently I wore a mini skirt to session few times and I'm just wondering if he thinks about it having any meaning. I think he knows that I was pretty much denying any sexual feelings for him, mentioned them only once in a half serious way and didn't really get back to it since. I'm wondering if he sort of would like me to talk about this part as well. He must be aware of it, and surely the dream is revealing something as well. I know that the dream is probably about something more.

To end my bragging, once in the session he was wearing a jumper with a zip. Not thinking what he is doing he wanted to unzip it slightly and scrach his shoulder or something. I didn't even notice that within fraction of a second I was absolutely concentrated on his hand pulling the zip of his jumper down and waiting what he is going to do next. Then he realized what he is doing and stopped his hand after a literaly half a centimeter. That was just a second or two, but it was hard not to notice that there was something going on in my mind that even I wasn't aware of. Interesting.

zMember

quote:
Wow. Just wow. Haha. I feel a little jealous. Is your T married w/ kids? Single?

Married, and has a daughter.

1/2/108:19 PM

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