we hear you. I know you can make it through although at the time it is hard.
Antoni

Just Me,
Thanks for sharing this, I know how scary it can be.I can hear you and I understand. My dad was an alcoholic and self-medication is a big time pursuit in my family of origin. I went through a number of years when I was younger drinking heavily, smoking pot, and dabbling in a few other things. I managed to leave the drugs and heavy drinking behind in college but I have to be careful about my drinking as its easy for me to over do it. I have a rule about not drinking if I'm sad or angry (don't always follow it, but I try not to.) But my biggest drug of choice is food. I have been overeating for years, and its just recently that I've really come to understand that I've been using the food to try and hold my feelings at bay, and punish myself. As I have progressed through therapy and am getting better at letting myself experience the emotions, I've finally stopped the overeating. Its a slow, two steps forward, one step back kind of process. But there's a positive feedback. I need to be present to feel my body so I know when I'm actually hungry and can eat, and if I want to eat and realize I'm not feeling hungry that's a sign I need to pay attention to my feelings (much like the strength of the erotic attraction to my T). The good thing is that the more I'm aware of my feelings the less I need to eat. The less I eat, the more aware of my feelings I can be. But to put it in perspective. I've lost 25 lbs and have another 160 to go so this is for the long haul. And ironically enough, I started therapy over 20+ years ago to deal with my weight problem and I'm just now getting to it.

The need for your T makes perfect sense and I would urge you to contact her. When we want to use an addictive behavior its usually to mask pain. Addictive behaviors are addictive because at least at one time, they worked. So when we stop doing them, the problem we were originally trying to deal with re-emerges. You need some other way to deal with that, and a healthy relationship with a dependable T in which you can be honest about your emotions and all your feelings are acceptable can be really healing. When I feel like that my T is sometimes the ONLY one I can reach out to because he's the only one I feel safe enough with and he is the only one that really understands what I'm going through. All that said, its way too easy to say and really hard to do. I'm sorry you're going through this and its so hard. Especially because I know that reaching out to anyone including your T can be really scary and pheonomnally difficult. Which is why I am so impressed with your courage in posting this. Please know you're not alone, and what you are going through is really understandable. And it takes a lot of courage to not reach for a drink too. Please keep talking! I wish there was more we could do for you, but we're always here to listen.

AG

Thanks for listening Antoni. And for your vote of confidence. I appreciate it very much and it is helpful.

Thanks AG!
My dad was an alcoholic too. I swore I would never end up like this. I sort of allowed myslef to believe that it was just the male gender inmy family that suffered from alcoholism. Both of my brothers are cross addicts to alcohol and drugs and have been for 30 plus years. Both have recently had treatment and relapses, but they are trying.

I did call my T last night although I am sure she did not check her messages that late. I am sure that when she does she will call as soon as she can. She is outoftown for a conference this weekend and there is a diference in time zone to consider as she warned me ahead of time in regards to her availability. What a difference for me to call just b/c I feel like I need her and that I am ok with it (as we've discussed in our other topic).

I feel bad b/c my husband wants to help (he's a wonderful man) and sometimes I don't think he fully understands the relationship I have with my T, although he is not threatened by it in anyway and he tries to understand. He is a big help and support to me, but there are times I just need my T.

I wasn't sure if it would be a good idea to post this subject or not. I had not seen anything else like it on here, but I thought, why not. Could open the door for others besides me. I am glad I did and I appreciate the kind support and encouragement. And I will probably need to talk about it from time to time if that is ok.

I know that overeating stems from the same conditioning and emotional triggers as alcoholism. In fact, I am afraid that to replace the compulsion to have a drink in my hand I may tend to eat more comfort foods or just eat more. I don't want to trade one addiction for the other. I struggle with my weight too, and I've come a long way in the last 2 years. Certainly in building up my self-esteem to feel that I was worth the effort to eat healthy and exercise. I've dropped 60lbs. I was hoping to loose this belly when I stopped drinking, but here I am on day six and no difference yet. But I have not worked out much lately either.

Thanks again for listening. I hope we can continue to share experiences helping each other through our ups and downs.

Just Me,
Please feel free to talk about it anytime! You should be able to talk about anything you need to and be heard. If what my T keeps saying is true, that's at the heart of healing. And I also think you're right about it opening up the door for other people struggling with these issues. I know it makes me feel better about talking about my struggle with food. And, Wow!, 60 lbs, that is incredibly inspiring to hear! And I know how much I appreciate your insight about stuff that I post. I like the way you put it "helping each other through our ups and downs," is SO much easier than trying to do this alone!

You sound like you have a great T and a good husband. Don't mean to repeat myself so much, but I also understand that. I have a really wonderful husband who has been very patient with me dealing with my stuff. I have been very open with him about my feelings about my T, Not sure if I told you before,so forgive me if I repeat myself. My T was actually my husband's T first and we are seeing him for marital counseling. All three of us have discussed the situation, especially since my husband wasn't completely comfortable with me seeing our T on an indvidual basis in the beginning. I'm very grateful that I can be so open with my husband, but you're right, my T is my security/attachment figure and there are times that no one else will do.

Going through all of this can feel so overwhelming at times, and I can feel really stupid, or pathetic, or childish; then I post and have other people be understanding and compassionate and it really helps me through the dark times. Just being able to speak about it when I need to is really good.

Thanks again for being so open!

AG

Don't worry if you repeat yourself here. I think we learn best by repetition, so it is ok to repeat ourselves.

I think we teach ourselves by helping others. At least I find that to be true. As I have read experiences and posted my own, I am also reminded to implent the healthy choices I've already learned. We need that because we never developed the autonomics that tell us how to respond to situations in a healthy way and to tell oursleves "I'm ok."

your story interests me. you do not mention a calamity prior to your decision to stop. my close friend is about 120 days sober and i know that just the work of not drinking each day makes her very, very, tired. and she really messed up before she agreed to really try this time. with the law, friends, automobiles, miscarried pregnancy. she was so drunk when i took her for the d&c she passed out in the exam room before the doc walked in. but in your case you came to a healthy conclusion to tell it goodbye and might i say your affirmations were excellent. i was never good at writing those . i also bellieve there are forums where you can talk to other addicts.(other sites) im so proud of you and i dont even know you. stay strong.

Hi Rae,

Wow! Thank you so much for your positive words of encouragement. It means a lot to me. I am sorry about what your friend had to go through before she finally put “the bottle” aside. Every day is a struggle not to reach for that drink, but knowing where I will end up if I continue drinking is enough to make me stop now. I think of the example I’ve led for my daughter and step sons, my health, and my own determination I once had not to become like my parents and two of my siblings who chose the course of addiction several years before me. When I finally realized where I was, what I was doing to myself, I knew it was time. It was the last thing standing between me and making further progress in my therapy.

I appreciate the support here so much. *Tears of gratitude*

Thanks again,
JM (13 days sober)

Hi Just Me

I don't know whether you still read / post now but I can really relate to this post?

Are there any other readers out there who can also relate to what Just Me wrote?

I'm OK

Hi JM, I struggle with an addiction to painkillers. I realized how 'good' they made me feel after having a tooth extraction. I then would steal my partner's pain pills almost every day for about a year. I then told my P about it approx. two years ago and he prescribed suboxone for me. I am now addicted to both pain pills and suboxone. My T recently issued me an ultimatum--either I tell my partner and attend NA meetings or she will refer me elsewhere. Has your T ever issued you an ultimatum? If so, how did it make you feel? I am struggling with anger at my T right now(even though I know she is asking me to do the right thing . I feel like she is breaking a promise to me she made five years ago -- that she would never leave me.. will post more later, gotta go, mlc

Hi mlc

My T has never issued me with an ultimatum - and if she did I would feel EXACTLY like you - that she is breaking a promise to me she made five years ago telling me that she would be there as long as I need her.

I'm sorry that she has issued you with an ultimatum as that must be very scary for you.

The only thing my rational part of my head is saying is that she is trying to do what she feels you "need" rather than going along being supportive like the last two years - as this clearly hasn't helped you to stop abusing the drugs. She clearly cares about you and the impact this addiction is having on you.

Would you consider attending NA? How do you think that your partner would feel if you told him?

Cheers!
I'm OK

Hi blackbird

Thank you so much for your honesty. I was starting to feel very alone on this topic (not that I would wish anyone else to suffer just so I don't feel so alone with this issue).

quote:

I am currently 19 days without drinking.

Well done! That is terrific. Keep up the good work.

As is evident in this post, self medicating can take many forms (alchohol, food, drugs).

For me, like some others here, it's a glass of wine, that becomes two that becomes three. I know I can stop drinking because I have done so very easily with both my pregnancies - but I guess the motivation that I need is not quite there yet - and the problem is that the glass of wine does make me feel more relaxed - almost instantly. But I also know there is a cost too.

I know Just Me was right when she wrote:

quote:

It is time to get rid of the negative coping mechanisms so that I can continue my healing journey.

blackbird - thanks again for sharing. It means more than you know that someone replied and understood.

I'm OK

I, also, have problems with addictive behavior. Never "drugs", but with alcohol and food. (I realize alcohol is a drug) I go up and down with my problems with addiction. Tried alcoholics anonymous even for a while. Didn't think I fit in and couldn't make myself go. I really don't want to quit drinking, which is supposed to be your mindset if you join.I also had trouble with the higher power thing too. I really just needed to cut back, which I was able to do myself. The food problem is still a huge issue for me. Have lost and gained the same 50 pounds for 20 years. Squashes my self esteem.

Thanks for letting me "weigh in" on this

Hi everybody,

I started drinking at 15 years old. My drinking was addictive right from the beginning and I "hit bottom" at the relatively young age of 20. I knew about AA because my mother (also an alcoholic) sobered up when I was 12, but I didn't think I could become an alcoholic because I knew too much about it.

The reason I went to my first AA meeting was actually because I was overseas and I couldn't find anyone who knew anything about ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), which is where I thought I belonged. So I went to an "open" AA meeting (meaning family and friends of alcoholics can go, too, not just alcoholics) to see if anyone there knew anything about ACOA. What happened instead is that I heard people talking about how I felt on the inside without ever having met me. That had never happened before and it just floored me.

For about a year I was in and out of AA, fighting the idea that I could be alcoholic, for various reasons (I'm too young, my drinking isn't that bad, etc.). But when I finally accepted that it was true, and decided that I was okay with it, I was able to work the steps with a terrific sponsor and it more or less changed the direction of my life. If I had not stopped drinking when I did, I'm quite sure I would not have become an old alcoholic. I would have died young because I drank really hard and did really stupid things when drunk. I put myself in harm's way many times and am very grateful that nothing terrible happened to me.

One of the most important principles that helped me to believe and accept that I am an alcoholic was finding out the difference between a "problem drinker" and an alcoholic. When a "problem drinker" stops drinking, the problem goes away. When an alcoholic stops drinking, it only makes the problem more painful. That's because the alcohol is the solution to an emotional, mental, physical, and ultimately spiritual problem. Eventually the alcohol "solution" doesn't work anymore, and itself begins to cause problems of its own, but those are secondary. The root cause really doesn't have anything to do with alcohol.

AG said this really well in one of her posts above:

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
Addictive behaviors are addictive because at least at one time, they worked. So when we stop doing them, the problem we were originally trying to deal with re-emerges.

The sponsor I had when I got back to the states (I've referred to her in other posts as my "Spirit Mom") said it another way: If you stop drinking but don't treat the real problem, it just reappears as another addiction. You can try to clamp down on it, but eventually it just squirts out somewhere else.

I've seen my poor mother battle with this for years. When she got sober, she almost immediately divorced my dad and got into another relationship with another recovering alcoholic. But she was really dependent on him. He died in a car crash about 6.5 years later and she's never really recovered from it. And she also never really went back to AA, although she didn't start drinking again right away. First she started gambling. Then she started running up credit cards. Then she started gambling WITH the credit cards. Then she got hooked on pain pills...and in fall of 2005 she finally started drinking again. She went through treatment four times, and she appears to have been dry now for several months. But she's not in therapy or going to meetings, so I don't know how she's treating the actual problem.

The problem isn't drinking (or drugs, or food, or my latest addiction discovery, which is "love" addiction - how appropriate, on Valentine's Day!). It's how to live life without needing to cope with something that ultimately causes more problems. I went to meetings regularly for years until my second child was born. After that my attendance has dropped to almost nothing because my life felt too busy. And it's something my husband and kids can't really share in, so I feel "guilty" when I take time to go to meetings, even though I know they would ultimately benefit. It was okay for a while - I never thought about drinking - but being married and having kids has tested me in ways I never dreamed of when I was single. And as my kids get older, I am finding I need more help, not less! So recently I've started going again to a women's meeting on Saturday morning.

I really love AA meetings. There is an authenticity there that I've never found anywhere else (at least not until I found this message board!). It is a simple way of thinking and acting that keeps me from over-complicating everything. It teaches me how to live in such a way that I don't need to drink in order to cope. It keeps me grounded and centered. And I know that I'm understood before I even open my mouth. I always feel especially safe in AA meetings, and like I can breathe easier. Maybe that doesn't make sense but I don't know how else to describe it. And there is a lot of laughing. I love laughing (who doesn't?).

I started going to therapy because I wanted to talk about a specific problem that I couldn't discuss in meetings (resurfacing feelings for my first BF). It turned out to be a form of "love addiction" and I thought, great, another addiction. Conveniently enough, the "treatment" for it turns out to be the 12 steps of AA! That didn't surprise me, because I'd always known that somehow my work in AA was helping me keep the feelings for the old BF at bay. But I also knew it never really healed them, either.

Eventually I came across several seemingly related ideas in the love addiction stuff I was reading. One was that "longing isn't love" (my reaction: It isn't? ) - but that the longing was symbolic of what we didn't get as children. That being injured as children makes us more likely to develop addictive behaviors later on. That doing "inner child work" (a phrase that always made me roll my eyes in disgust) was the way to go back and heal those injuries. That until we did this, we would keep reenacting the same dysfunctional patterns in relationships because what we were really trying to do was unconsciously reenact the same situation from when we were kids, only we'd "get it right" this time. It was also there that I first learned about "transference" (In Session, etc.) and how it could be used to make the connection back to those injuries so that healing could happen.

So that is what I'm trying to do in therapy now. It is frustrating though and I still have so many questions. She is perfect, does just the right things. She listens beautifully, is genuine and real without letting her stuff get in the way. She frequently invites me to feel what I need to feel, gives me the space to do it. But nothing happens. Sometimes it feels like a brick wall, sometimes like empty space. Eventually I start to feel irritated and impatient and jump to another topic. I can't seem to connect to the feelings I had toward my parents at all.

Sometimes I wonder if it's this hard because I don't seem to have an intense emotional attachment to her. I had one almost immediately to my former T, but that didn't work out. So is it possible to connect with those old injuries without the "transference" to guide me?

Also, if the injuries are what predisposed me to love addiction in the first place, how could I ever work through the transference without becoming addicted? If I'm understanding what I'm reading, the solution itself triggers the problem so that I could never complete the solution. I would always get stuck.

Maybe that's why the 12-step approach works so well for me. It's a way "around" the catch-22. But then, how do I work through the "inner child" stuff? I can't do that in AA meetings.

Maybe I could work through transference feelings with a T, as long as I was working my 12 steps, and had a T who could help me without letting their stuff get mixed in. I really do think that's what happened with my former T. I knew I was getting "addicted", but also from my reading knew it was really not about him, it was about something not resolved within me and I was very willing to work through it in the context of the therapy.

But then, sometimes I wonder if he saw something coming that I didn't. Maybe he was afraid to keep going because he thought I might get stuck. He did say he could see my feelings possible getting worse if we discussed them.

Sorry this got so long...but these are things I've been thinking and wondering about for months. Thanks for letting me ramble on, and thanks especially if you read this far!

SG

Hi there Stummergirl,
Thanks for sharing so much about your journey. I just wanted to pipe in here, because this:

quote:

Also, if the injuries are what predisposed me to love addiction in the first place, how could I ever work through the transference without becoming addicted? If I'm understanding what I'm reading, the solution itself triggers the problem so that I could never complete the solution. I would always get stuck.

struck a chord with me. You're right, the solution itself DOES trigger the problem, but unlike alcohol, food, love, insert addiction here, therapy is actually a solution that has the potential to work. For me, I went into therapy knowing I would have to become "addicted" to my therapist in my same old transferencial way in order for me to STOP my addictive, codependent behavior. The difference is that in this relationship, my addiction does not have the power to ruin everything like it has in the past. I can be obsessed with her and google her and all that without having to worry that she will leave me (not that I don't worry about it...). I guess what I'm saying is I have to let all of my behaviors run their course so that my t can see them, identify them, understand them and then, help me realize I don't have to do them or that they're not really working all that well.

Part of the problem with all of the research we all do is that whe know what to expect and then we try to avoid letting it happen. It often helps if we know less and trust more (easier said than done!).

I'll respond more later if I can, but I hope I'm making sense! Gotta go!

-CT