Not even sure where to start.
I went to my T session today (having skipped it last week). Today I spent the whole session telling the T that I am crazy. I've had a really difficult week and a lot of dissociation and I FEEL crazy. Last time I saw her I spent most of the session telling her that none of the stuff I remember happening could really have happened to me, as I am just an ordinary person ('nothing to see here... move on...')?!?!? Now I'm telling her I'm insane.
Sigh.
Had another abrupt end to the session, though she did do a few moments grounding (which oddly made me feel very tearful, which surely is the last thing she wants - client starting to cry as they leave??). I hid in the toilets after the session then went to sit spaced out in MacDonalds.
Now confession time. I have been in contact with my previous T. Whenever I get really stressed I text her. She was and is kind. I stopped going to see her over a year ago - she caused a series of problems and I couldn't afford the therapy - and I definitely couldn't afford to pay for sessions sorting out the issues she had caused. Anyhow, my husband isn't best pleased with the state she left me in... but when I need someone she is kind and gentle and she does seem to understand a bit about dissociation. But it's kind of like cheating on my current T isn't it? Not that I am allowed to contact the current T at all. But the ex-T helped me get back to feeling OK - and safer. Then I thanked her and hven't contacted her again. I haven't told my husband. I feel so guilty.
I've got a job interview this week coming up. I hope I get the job. I really want to go back to see my old T - even though it went awry.
At the very least I'd like to have a gentle and kind ending. My husband wont be supportive of this I dont think though. So I would possibly gain her support, but totally loose his. The new T doesn't get dissociation at all. She seems to think it is controllable - if it was there would be no issue - I'd never do it and all would be fine. There is some control - I do my best not to 'switch', to stay 'adult' and cope - especially in therapy. I told her that - that I hold on and on in sessions and then switch afterwards (happens every week - completely unsafe really). She looked a bit suprised, but offered no real response to that. Is that how it should be? I'm worried that if I turn up and all that child trauma gets out in the session she will throw me out - well, decide that I'm not suitable for this kind of therapy. I did say to her that I wasn't sure this was the right place for me - given the dissociation. Again, she didn't say anything back. I told her nobody cared - she looked sad.
Bah. Bad week. Sorry for all this.
SB
