The way I understand it, the more split off your parts are, the harder it would be to connect or communicate with them. So if you have DID, I could have understood wrong but I think it means you cannot reach your split-off parts or communicate with them unless you are actually IN them, and at that point you can't really reach the rest of yourself, which is why you need your T to communicate with them for you.

I seem to have one or more parts stuck at an infant level, and when they are distressed I can feel it but it feels a bit dim and far off, although it has been getting less so since I've been in therapy. Anyway, when that happens I try talking to them in a soothing way like you would do for a baby and it seems to help to calm them down.

At some points I think I have actually snapped into one of my hurt parts, but again since I'm not terribly dissociative, I could still access the rest of myself, it was just really, really hard to feel anything calm or rational at that point.

I don't know if that helps at all...

Hi NavyMe,

There are different aspects of my personality that have emerged in therapy. I don't call them parts or alters. I refer to my youngest as my inner child.

The one I'm struggling with trying to reach is my inner child, because i thought it would help..she is a real small child, maybe 2 or 3...or 4..i'm not sure. I've talked about it here from time to time, but just yesterday I realized that my inner child was accessible when I felt loved by my therapist.

She came out in sessions but a couple of times. I felt so small, weak, vulnerable, and totally innocent. When I felt loved by my therapist, I felt a warm flame ignite and start to grow inside of me. It had a physical presence.

I usually feel like he cares about me, often, more than either of my parents, but it was actually feeling loved by him that allowed me to be in my inner child state during sessions.

I also want to connect with this state again but am not sure how.

The 11/12 year old has arisen more frequently; it doesn't seem so important to connect with that part of myself for some reason. I think it's because I've been in that state outside of therapy. It took me a while to realize that part of me has emerged with male authority figures over the years. It's a really playful, fun part of me. It rarely comes back now, though I wish it would.

Thanks for the responses...

I think I'm more the 'inner child' than the DID type. So seems to be the opening theme so far.

I definitely relate to the 'small, weak, vulnerable' sensation. I guess right now, I feel limited to the 'feeling' and still can't really connect with it properly, or at all perhaps.

In the past 2 weeks, I've been able to basically pour my big vulnerable self out on the table to my T. And tonight, sent an email with an answer I've struggled to find for months "Does the feeling LOOK like something?" and, explained in the email what it looked like...

Last week, when she asked me if I knew what my hands 'wanted' to be doing...drawing? writing? It felt like this hugely compassionate, comforting question... But I still didn't have an answer. I feel like there's this wall between that part of myself, and the rest of me...and it's frustrating as hell.

My T does a lot of work with the little/vulnerable/inner child parts of me. She will ask how old I feel (often I don't know and can't articulate because I feel like I came out of the womb a grown up so I've got little to go on as far as what EXACT age I feel but I can go based on comparisons). My T also asks what feelings look like and to visualize, or to externalize and visualize myself at certain ages. I have figured out, based on the type of emotion/issue/traumatic memories that come up that I do get in to states 5, 9, 10, 13. It takes a lot for me be vulnerable and get to those neural pathways that lead to such young feelings but once I am there I am quick to overwhelm so I will dissociate or become anxious or some other sort of defense will come up.

NavyMe, maybe you could try having something in your hands during session to figure out what your hands want? I need to "fiddle" to regulate myself sometimes so I have something to keep my hands busy that is soft to touch. Sometimes I need a pen or to draw. Sometimes I touch pressure points on myself and THAT is annoying... but it's an intuitive process that calms me. I listen and talk best when I am also busy doing something with my body because I'm very kinesthetic. Maybe you can see if your T has a rock or something and start there? Sometimes you can't ask these parts what they need you can only kind of "feel" if it's right or not I think.

Catalyst - When you started that sort of work... Did it feel right, or did you feel kind of ridiculous?

... I feel kind of ridiculous...

I think I have a sort of inner child rather than DID. My inner child is very closed up though. I usually find myself being very composed, being very cool and calm, very collected. And when I cry I don't like it. It seems pathetic, cliche, weak.

I feel like I do have parts in a way. I definitely have a teenager in me. If someone said to me that I am a 25 year old woman, (underline 'woman'), it wouldn't fit for me. The word 'woman' which means mature, adult, responsible...I'm not quite there yet. I have the intellectual intelligence of a 25 year old maybe, but emotionally, definitely not. Way off. And a long way to go to reach myself.

All I know right now is that I do not feel whole. I do feel fragmented. When I'm alone in the house for an extended time, I'll start acting differently. I'll become like a child. I'll be playful, talk to myself, start dancing around...it's actually a very young part of me that comes out I think. Maybe she's about 6 or 7.

When I get angry and upset, I become like a 2-3 year old. NO ONE has seen the way I act like this. I have temper tantrums that mimick how a 2-3 year would be..throw myself onto the floor, throw things about, bang things about, whinge moan, exactly like an infant. No one sees it because if they did, they'd think I was very strange indeed..

quote:

Originally posted by NavyMe:
Catalyst - When you started that sort of work... Did it feel right, or did you feel kind of ridiculous?

... I feel kind of ridiculous...

I've always been a big kid and a very playful adult so in a way it felt natural. But I'm not big on sharing or being vulnerable and being in a room talking about my "feelings" and my T saying the things Ts do felt profoundly ridiculous but I'm used to it now