I don't have much time right now, so I can't really answer except: I feel the same.

And my mother did her best. And it's not about whether she did enough or not, or blaming her but recognising that something still went amiss, because it happens in life, even when everyone is trying their best. Maybe you (I) still need to grieve for the things that I did not have, because by saying 'she did the best', I protect myself from recognizing that I would have wanted/needed something else, because it would be too painful to admit that it did not happen and never will... but it still get expressed in this longing for a maternal figure?
If you find out how to make it stop though, do let me know, I want to take the pill right now!

(I am sorry if I am confused, I had to type this really quickly, I'll try to do better later)

OH yes, those longings and needs feel very strong.

I kind of think my mother did her 'best'. It was actually pretty awful on an emotional front. For a long time I couldn't face that it was actually abusive (in my case) and inadequate, non-protective, neglectful etc etc.

I need something I can't have - a mother who loves me fiercely.

I don't have the answers - but it is worth gently going with this topic in therapy I think.

SB

My mom did/does love me and yet I still had this problem. Sometimes through no ill intention, our parents can be missing something that we needed. Very sad but true.

Awww, ((((Becca)))) - Please don't fret about this. It is so common for people both in and outside of therapy. So many are the walking wounded and don't have one ounce of understanding what they are feelings or how it impacts their life. You, OTOH, miserable as it may be, have this insight. You long to be cared for, because you weren't cared for in the way you needed when you were a little girl.

I sometimes ask how I got to be such a mess when I came from so good a home. But I realize it wasn't good enough in the way I needed. My mother was a lovely lady - thoughtful, generous, principled and well liked. I used to think of her as Mary Tyler Moore. Who didn't like Mary?

I believe that as long as you keep looking for this caring figure "out there" you will continue to be disappointed. True, there are people who will care about and for you. But that won't be enough, not ever. I believe that the real answer lies in letting Little You explore and grieve this loss and learn to comfort yourself, care for yourself, be there for yourself. I imagine you are thinking, "No, that's not what I want. I want someone to mother me!" Yes, I understand that; I want it too. But the truth is, that train has left the station. You didn't get it when you truly needed it. I suspect you are thinking, "I can't do it. I can't comfort myself. I NEED SOMEONE TO MOTHER ME!" I understand that; I think it too. Truth is, you must learn to do it for yourself - and you can - and it will work - and that longing will subside.

Let Little You express all those feelings, talk about what she really wanted and how she felt when she was in elementary school and looking for a mother. Then talk to her. Tell her you will stay by her side and that you will help her and be with her. This is the start of inner child work and for those of us who had the not-good-enough mother, I think this is the most direct route to healing. Truly. There really is healing from the longing you feel - and I don't think it's where you and I have been looking for it.

Many, many hugs to you Becca. Tender, caring hugs.

-RT

Thanks for the replies everyone. Maybe when I am done being angry about wasting my life on this fairy tale of mine, I might be able to see things differently. But I'm not done being angry. It's constant and it is eating me alive. For some crazy reason I feel I need to be angry. Blah!!


I like what you said RT about how I didn't get the care I needed. Do you know or do you wonder what it is that you needed and didn't get? I am clueless to what in the world it was and that bugs me too. I am a person that needs to know the why of situations.


I don't like me now and if I really think about it, I really despise little me. Because of her neediness, my life has been an endless search. So I think talking about this with T would be me just crucifying little me. I also don't think my T does inner child work. I know some members on the forum find it uncomfortable.

I don't mean to be difficult about excepting anyone's ideas, I think you guys are pretty much right on. Maybe I'm not actually ready to give up the fantasy. Something is stopping me. What it is that is stopping me, is anybody's guess. Thanks for listening.

Becca

Your mother doesn't need to be "bad" to have not given you what you needed. Simply, you weren't a match - not a good fit. Think of the really nice guy at the office - pleasant, considerate. He asks you for a date. You go to dinner. His interests and belief system are totally different from yours. You feel bored when he goes on and on about fishing. You feel angry when he talks about hunting. Is he bad? No, of course not. He just wasn't giving you what you needed in a relationship. Likewise with your mother. Not bad.

"Do you know or do you wonder what it is that you needed and didn't get?"

• I needed to be hugged and touched - physically nurtured. This deficiency was a horrible wounding and has caused much trauma for me.
  
• I needed to have attention paid to me, instead of letting the "good girl" be grown up and expected to do things on her own (starting at about age 4).
  
• I needed to be validated instead of ridiculed.
  
• I needed to be free to express myself instead of being beaten by words.
  
• I needed my mom to have power in her marriage in order to have power with her children.
  

As for the "why" of it, I think my parents were young (22 and 24) when they had me, and being the firstborn essentially made me the guinea pig. I speculate that the relationship between my parents was unbalanced. I think when my sister was born (when I was four) I was left to take care of myself. I think my father was insecure and his way of compensating was to intimidate those around him.

You write of being plagued by this maternal longing since grade school. Me too. My first memories of this were around 3rd or 4th grade. I often fantasized about being in a car wreck - because then someone would have to tend to me - and touch me.

For the record, I like you and I hate that you don't. Even more sad to me is that you "really despise little me."

Cut yourself some slack, Becca. I think you'll find this process a bit easier if you treat yourself with more compassion.

-RT

Hi Becca-
I can really relate to what you've written. I too have struggled with this longing, this emptiness inside. I remember looking to older females in my life as early as grade school too. And also, like RT, I wished that something catastrophic would happen to me so I could have some attention. I've felt really shameful of that. That I wished something bad would happen so I could get care. I also have felt (and feel blah) ashamed of my needy part. It's a huuuge topic of conversation in my therapy haha. I'm just as sick of talking about it as I'm sure my T is of hearing about it.

Having said all that, I do think what RT said is wise. I am trying to get to a place of compassion. Once I stop hating my young, needy part, I hope to feel more calm, integrated, okay with myself. I think this is a process. Right now, it sounds like you are angry. I know you've said that you feel like your anger may destroy you. I assure you that it won't. It feels that way, but it won't. I think anger can be a healthy emotion. But you have to process and express it to stop it from eating away at you. Have you worked with your anger much in therapy? Does your T know how angry you feel? Maybe she will have some good ways to engage with the anger, slowly, without overwhelming you. Perhaps you are holding on to this anger and are not ready to let go of the searching. I recently told my T that I felt stuck too...that I wasn't ready to give up looking, because then that would mean that I'd never feel that deep sense of caring.

I don't know what the answer is, except that in my opinion, you have to keep talking about it. Keep learning how to take in your T's care. That is something I struggle with, with my T. And hence, I'm still searching for this care. But it's right in front of me. Yes, of course it is not the same as a mother's care and concern. We can never go back to being 8 or 14 and needing that maternal attention. But we have someone who does care about us. I know your T has offered some physical comfort with a hug. I challenge you to accept her offer when you feel you can. Or even if you're questioning it, try it. I have and I do think I've been able to soak up just a tiny bit of the care. The shame, while it does wax and wane, has been shifting for me. In the times when I can take in her care, I've felt less shame and more love..for her and for myself. Or maybe talk to your T about your want to accept her offer but your hesitance. That may be a fruitful conversation?

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated with your journey, your feelings, yourself. I can really understand and can relate to the shame of having this unrelenting need. I've been concentrating on taking in my T's care, which she is freely offering, and I do actually think it's been helping a bit. (((Becca)))

I am in the same place... hating the little one inside, constantly feeling separation anxiety from T., wanting to be tended to, taken care of. My T and I are working on me learning to take care of little me and compassion for myself. It's hard work and a lot of the time I'm screaming inside with grieving and anger.

Becca, I can relate to all you have said and appreciate your posting this topic. I am one week new to these boards and have spent lots of time reading (and learning) about so many topics that touch me in some way. This one in particular really hits home for me and I can relate so much to what you (and others) have written. I had composed a long response earlier, which included a lot of my history, but then decided to save it for another post.

Thanks again for posting,

Azure

Thanks again to all who replied. I have been very busy and am just sitting down now to soak in some of the other replies.

Thanks RT for explaining what you needed and didn't get. I identified with many of them. I know I have to cut myself some slack in order to move on. I am just not very sure how to do that. Keep talking with T I guess.

Erica, I know you understand this feeling. This subject keeps popping up in my life also. It comes up in therapy, here on the forum, basically all over. I'm not so straight-forward about it with T though. I know she she gets it even though I hardly ever mention it. I want to take in what she has to give me but it is so, so scary. Erica, I am glad it is helping you to take in your T's care. Letting her care for you is a positive step forward.

RM and azure54, I am sorry you know the feeling also. It is amazing how common this is and it makes me really sad. I imagine my mom maybe felt this way herself and if she did I would love to tell her I get it and that I am so sorry she had to endure that constant feeling of longing and wanting. She died seventeen years ago so I can't do that now but maybe what I can do at some point is learn to like myself better for both of us.