Don't need one to start the day. By the end of the day I feel the pull to have one, but the problem is that I have an ED so I am almost replacing the food with the drink and that is not a good combination.

((((Scars))))

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. W's father was an acoholic also and died of liver failure in hospital. Unfortunately we weren't able to get to see him before he passed.

Draggers may be right in that because of your brother and your grandfather you are focussing on the possibility of alcoholism more.

I know you've been very courageous to even have posted your thoughts here, and that if you can talk to your T, or even your GP about the possibility, that would be a great thing to do.

Please be kind to yourself about this.

We have touched on the issue of drink but not much. It is probably something I would discuss more with the ED nurse. I see her this week.

It is just a shameful feeling.

((((Scars))))

There's nothing to be remotely ashamed of.

You are showing tremendous courage in asking
yourself these questions. The shame would come
from hiding it.

hi scars. i've struggled with booze off and on for decades. i don't remember if you're seeing a T or not. but you are seeing an ED nurse. i encourage you to talk to her about your concerns. that is partly what she is there for. and, i certainly understand the shameful feelings surrounding this as i've been fighting this for so long. i can't seem to wrap my head around it as so many others can, but that is really is not a shameful thing. i think it's your pride getting in the way? try to figure out why it feels so shameful? where does that come from? in my last session with my T he asked about my drinking and said "are you getting enough"? and i took that as totally judgemental and was offended. i told my recovering sister about it and she said she didn't see it as judgemental, and that maybe my pride was getting in the way and i wasn't seeing things as clearly as a result, and so was making it a judgement in my brain to defend my alcohol use. i dunno. i feel like i'm rambling. i hope a sentence or maybe just a word of this is making sense. if you find any answers, clue me in, okay? ((( scars )))

CD, you could be right with the pride scenario. Same with the ED. Took me a long time to admit to myself that I had one. How can someone of my age become dependant on alcohol and end up with a "supposedly teenage" disorder!!!! What am I stupid or something!

I can see how you would be come defensive with the "are you getting enough" phrase, I probably would have felt the same.

I am seeing a T, but I am beginning to feel like a burden to him. Alcohol, eating, other issues that come up, I only went to him for grief after my brother dying and that was nearly 3 years ago!!!

It was only after having written this thread that I had a realisation. Coming down the next morning and logging on to this site, I did not remember having written it, until I saw my name on the board.

hey, ((( scars ))). rest assured you're not stupid. you are human, and i think you are being a bit harsh on yourself. i dont' know what your "disorder" is, but i fathom it's not something you planned on, but rather was the victim of ... not to promote the victim mentality, but i think you need to step back and cut yourself some slack. i think that if you had a choice, you would never have been labelled with said "disorder". really. it wasn't your "choice" ... like you weren't at the buffet line of life and decided "oh, this dish looks fabulous, i rather think i'll take a scoop". no. that's not how it happened. it's a human condition, not a teenage condition. i'm saying this with tongue-in-cheek because i seem to struggly with alot of the same things you do. all i'm trying to say is, do try to swallow your pride, but at the same time be gentle with yourself. this isn't something you CHOSE!

i get the "feel like a burden to him". i feel like that all the time. and, sorry scars, but i think if you make a post on any forum and can't remember doing so the next day is NOT a good sign. i'm not trying to be a bitch. again, i struggle with the same issue. i'm just trying to tell you that this IS and SHOULD BE concerning to you. i hope you keep posting here, ((( scars ))).

Scars,

This is such a tough one. I think there is a fine line between unhealthy coping mechanisms and the term "alchoholic". I think that each and every one of us on this forum probably struggle with unhealthy ways of dealing with our struggles. Weather that is drinking, substance abuse, ED's, OCD behaviors, Self harm, ect...you get the point. I think the difference is, (and when to be concerned) if the coping mechanism starts to take over your life. If you start to put your health, saftey or well being at risk b/c of the coping mechanish. Of if you start to lie, or start screwing up at work or things like that.

I think I really get what you are saying. My parents are alchoholics. My Dad is a functioning alcoholic. Goes to work everyday, excercises, drives, all while being intoxicated 24-7. YOu would probably not know he was an alcoholic unless you were around him during the years he used hard alchohol. But if he stopped drinking, eveyone would know. He would become very sick b/c his body is dependent on it. My Mom is a different "type" of alcholic. She uses it on a daily basis as a coping mechanism, but she can't control the amount she drinks...she doesn't know when to stop and therefore has harmed herself and others b/c of her drinking.
My brother is an alcoholic too. He has been sober for over 10 years now. It took 3 DUI's, a court ordered rehab, losing his job, and a couple of passed out and landed smack on his head on the concrete floor for him to realize he had a problem.
So with all this family history, you can imagine how the fact that I look forward to a drink at the end of the day (and sometimes feel like I wouldn't survive the evening chaos with two kids without one) would have me worried that I may have gotten the alcoholic gene. The truth is, I have addictive behavior. I am not an alcoholic in the sense that my Dad or Mom or Brother is, nor am I a drug addict as one would commonly be labled. However, I have very addictive behavior. I go through periods where I drink consistnely. Then I struggle with pain pills. In the past I had a bad run with meth (I was a teenager) and went to rehab for that. Then there are times that I don't use any of those things, but I find myself losing weight from eating less or thinking about self harm. I have even excercised obsessivly (probably a healthier coping mechanism lol)

I think, Scars, that you should be careful b/c of the history with family. That is very smart of you. Only you know to what extent the drinking is going on. And if its just to relax and de-stress (which I happen to think is fine) or if you are drinking b/c you can't cope with anything without a drink.

I think you are very brave to look at this and to talk openly about it. I think its good self care too. I would talk to T and your ED Nurse about it. I hope my very long winded response was helpful. If not, maybe just some big 's will be....Hang in there.

Thank you CD and Kmay

You both have given me things to think about.

keep us posted, scars! i'm thinking about you and hoping the best for you.

Kmay, I think you are right when you say that we all have our coping mechanisms. Keeping them in check is the key to our healthy survival.

I feel though at the moment mine are slightly out of sync. The ED, the alcohol, they are taking over more than they should. I drink regularly, not falling down drunk but enough to keep me on an even keel. The ED is my main priority, I feed it and it rules me for the moment, in fact the ED and the alcohol feed off each other which leaves me in a desperate place.

i am not daft, I know what the situation is but I don't feel that there is anything out there to change my behaviour for. It is a sad state of affairs because I have 2 children and i know that there are people that care about me but it is not enough, something missing.

Hey (((Scars))),
Just wanted to say don't give up on yourself. Sometimes there are people who care and who love us, and they mean well, but that doesn't mean they understand the demons that plague us.

You said something's missing... Perhaps you feel in your heart what that might be, or perhaps that's why you keep going to therapy.
Whatever it is, just don't give up on You.
You're worth hanging in there for.

Hugs,
Starry

((((Scars))))
Poppet is right. You are worthy and loveable of
making the changes for YOU. Whatever you feel is
missing IS out there for you. Some thing, or
some body; and you are deserving of it and will
find it. Thinking of you and (((hugs))) for you.

(((((Scars))))) -

quote:

you have to do it for YOU lovely one and you have to believe that you are worthy enough and lovely enough to change for.you cant do it for others....this is about loving yourself
we havent given up on you and we are here x

Oh Scars...I know that place you are in. Poppet is right. You can only do it for you. For lovely beautiful you. And that thing that is "missing" .... keep working on trying to find it, fill it, heal it...whatever it may be. Becuase you are worth it. We are here...please keep writing. Let us suppot you my friend.

Saw my CPN yesterday and my homework is......

find a local AA meeting and attend!

((((Scars))))

I'm really sorry to hear that Is that something you feel you can do?

I can but give it a go, if anyone has experience of this sort of thing it would be good to hear from them. It is a slippery slope, similar to the ED, and before I knew it I was slap bang in the middle of full blown anorexia. I don't want that to happen.

scars been there with the anorexia, its bloody awful!

Went to the AA meeting last night. A strange mix of people, young and older. I was not the only newcomer that evening.

After listening to a few people I realised that I have 3 illnesses, the drink, eating disorder and depression, which one gets to get fixed first.

At AA they only talk about alcohol and nothing else. It was very interesting, I did not say anything just listened and had 2 cups of coffee!!!

Problem - I had a couple of drinks before attending!!! Felt I needed to, desperately wanted a drink while I was there and when I left as well. I did not do it though. Went home and had a green tea!!!

Oh dear, it is the need that is a menace as opposed to the drink itself.

Yes scars its about uncovering what that need is really about

Well, yesterday I hit a bump. I asked someone to take me to A & E. Of course, I had had a few drinks but I thought all was well, then it hit me like a wall. I needed to be safe. The psych team were great, and as long as someone was taking me home they were okay to let me go, after being hooked up to a drip.

Obviously today I feel shame. How could I do this.

Can't even remember if I have posted this already somewhere else. Sorry if I have.

It is now Monday morning and I still feel an enormous amount of shame, it is really quite horrible.

((((Scars))))

There's no need to feel shame. You did what you needed to do to look after yourself.

Just had a thought or 2 about shame, it is difficult to deal with because for me, someone said they were proud that I had gone into hospital, taken the "step" even though it will be a long road to recovery, I am sitting here with a drink and it is not the first of the evening. Someone being proud means that they are being nice and that is what is difficult to handle. A lot of us here can't handle someone being nice. So therefore the shame is enhanced.

(((Scars)))
I know that shame is very much inwardly focussed and therefore difficult for you to handle, but it doesn't mean that everyone here will care less about you or be less nice to you; you are deserving of that care.

Whilst you feel poorly towards yourself your friends here are still proud of you for having taken that brave step. Please be gentle on yourself Scars.

(((((Scars))))) always here for you x

Scars it is hard to take in niceness when you feel so bad about yourself. But you are worthy of care and nice deeds. Hugs to you xx

The emergency appointment ended up being about people being nice and my not being able to accept it. Friday I will have to talk about my homework he asked me to look to doing for him.

"What are the events or relationships that led you to think/do the things the way you do"

My list is very long and negative!

Just an update

Saw the shrink yesterday, he put me on another tablet and my CPN and the shrink said "STOP" the alcohol. But the AA would probably not be the right organisation. So I am going to ADAS (Alcohol and Drugs Advisory Service). I have to have an assessment on Monday. Don't think I can see my life without any form of alcohol at all.

((((Scars))))

It does seem a bit harsh for your shrink to say STOP the alcohol!! Surely the idea is for you to control the alcohol not let it control you. A life without some form of it would be very dull indeed. Let us know how the assessment goes won't you.

Well I have had an assessment from the alcohol team and she says that as I have no real support at home (that I want) I should have residential treatment to stop the alcohol. It came as a big shock, I am not sure that I am that bad!!! I am typing this after 3 large glasses of wine and 2 liquors at a restaurant. So I guess there is a problem there somewhere as I am at home with another glass!! What it would mean to me to try and stop on my own I don't know.

Hi Cat

I am going again this morning to see what the lady has to say. I am about to start a new job on Monday and they know nothing of the problems, I have appointments all over the place and will have to do some explaining.

I think for me I was so disappointed by the support my brother got when he went into hospital. He started in high dependence unit and he "got better" they then moved him onto a ward and from that point on he just went down hill. The staff were not supportive at all, it was almost like "its your own fault your here". Of course this was a general hospital and he was on a gastroenterology ward, which means that most people that were there were there because of drink.

I just know it is going to be hard trying to cut down/out the alcohol, eat and come out of depression all at the same time! Starting a new job is already feeding the ED, I won't be at home surrounded by food, no one will make me eat lunch, I will get home later so maybe after everyone has eaten, the ED voice is going whey hey!!!

Seems I have a lot to discuss at my next session.

Why can't i just pick up the phone and asked what happened to my referral to another service. I am not doing well. I feel ashamed, but just can't seem to find the will to stop. Last Thursday (I think) I posted that "today was first day of my life" one week later and I have failed.

(((scars))) Fits and starts. Progress happens in fits and starts. Can you start again?

(((scars))) i'm in the same boat. i'm sorry for what you're going through..

Ah CD, what is it that makes us carry on, where is the strength to change?

I have one and then I feel happy so I have another one and on it goes.....

Thanks RE, how many times to start again?

Hi scars. I don't know how many times. I've lost count! for me it's not an ED or alcohol though. It's just a similar feeling--the giving up on myself--that I have to fight. ...And then start again with therapy, no matter how hopeless or hard it feels.

I think I might drink more if I lived in England Rainy day. Cozy pub. Etc.

Ah yes, nothing like a country pub with an open fire on a cold day!!!!!

scars, i'm only a month + late, but i read your last post and i was honestly looking for the "like" button! i don't know if i should laugh or be scared!

T: "is it time"?

me: make excuses, try to divert attention, make jokes, etc. ... useless.

why does it seem as though if i quit drinking that somebody will die? and why does it feel like if i never see you again that someone will die? these questions are in the back of my mind, and i live each groundhog day and wonder what it's all about? what is the point?

Start of day 2 of sobriety!!!