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4 replies

am i alone in this?

J janedoeMember
hi

i had a session w my regular t today and towards the end, she asked me about how "the good feels bad" (that's how I say it).

when i let myself receive good things (even things like comfort and kindness) from others, it can feel good, AND at the same time, really bad too, even physically.

i think part of it is because it "screws up" my thinking that "I am bad, therefore, people do bad things to me..." and therefore life makes sense.

i think there are other reasons why. Like really good people with god intentions allowed people they did not know were bad to hurt me in bad ways they did not intend. Or people who had good sides also had very bad sides and hurt me...

and there are probably other reasons too.

the mix up between good and bad is even on a physical level. for example, in person, i love being hugged and i love hugging people - but i hardly do it anymore. or let others hug me. sometimes a simple safe hug makes me feel really sick inside. no one who has ever hurt me has been someone who has also hugged me. so it's not like it is a "direct" trigger to be hugged... and again... i like hugs! they feel good, and if it i let that good feeling stay very long.... then i literally feel sick, almost like my nerves are overwhelmed and i physically hurt. but if i let someone hug me and i mostly ignore it (inside) then it feels ok. just ok. but at least the bad feelings don't come and one day, i want a hug to feel good - and just good. someday. maybe someday that can happen for me.

it's hard when people say kind things or do kind things or just care about me. i can receive it... but i can't let myself feel the good feelings that come with that for long before it "feels bad." (and i don't know how to quite explain what "feels bad" is like - it takes on a lot of forms.)

right now, it's all messed up for me. (When I said that to my T, she said "or maybe it's more like you are just a work in process, learning how to receive the good." she is so non-judgmental!)

i feel like a weirdo and alone in this right now
...does anyone else have a hard time with good things feeling good but also bad at the same time too?
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scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
JD,

Yes! Growing up, I didn't have any good or positive touch with perhaps a very rare exception here and there. So now, when I receive good touch it feels good, but it also feels so strange and out of place that it can make me physically uncomfortable. It feels so different than what my body expects and I think the oddity of it is what makes it feel weird. Also, sometimes I scared about it because I am afraid to get used to it because after all it really isn't for someone like me to get used to and know is there. I'm not good enough to receive these good things on a regular basis...therefore they won't last.

I can say that with T for example, as I and other parts have come to realize that the caring and safe touch is available whenever we need it, it doesn't feel quite so odd or out of place and gradually it is just feeling good and safe and not both good and bad.
ladygreyladygreyMember
Jane, what did you do to your hand?

I do know what you mean about the good feeling bad. I feel this way when I get close to people. It feels so good, and that frightens me and its like the better it feels, the worse it feels, if that makes sense.

I also have a hard time receiving praise because I always think I am undeserving of it...that I could have done better, that I could given more of myself, etc. Sometimes if I cut corners on a project and it turns out amazing anyway, I feel ashamed when I get compliments on the final product because deep down, I know I didn't give it 100% and I feel guilty for accepting the praise given to me.
J janedoeMember
Thanks STRMS and LadyGrey! sorry you feel this way sometimes too. It does help to know I'm not the only one.

STRMS - so glad it is gradually feeling good and safe, that helps me have hope.

LadyGrey - for for me too, the better it is, the worse I feel. I am terrible at receiving praise too. I'm learning... well, to at least act like I can receive it... and it's getting easier... but when it feels just good it starts to feel bad too.

(btw, if a project turns out amazing even when you don't give 100%, I think that is a sign of how much talent you have! ok, I know another hard to take compliment - but you have lots of good insight here too Smiler )

re: my hand - i flared up an old injury helping a friend move. it's healing, just awfully slowly!

~jane

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