Hey TAS
Sounds like a rough place to be, and I can see myself in your reaction. Previously when I have not had a reply I have gone through the same sort of self talk vowing never to show my T that I am vulnerable. But eventually we have talked about it and there has been a perfectly reasonable explanation - and this has helped me to see how rejecting I can be of my T - as she says I will abandon her before she has a chance to abandon me.

So now I have a checklist
Is there any reason to think my T would deliberately want to upset me?
Is this lack of response a common occurrence?
If it happened before how was it resolved?
Am I rejecting my T because I am fearful that they are rejecting me by not replying?

I know my pattern is to reject when I feel exposed, and asking for what you need is sure to make you feel exposed, but my T says that when I ask for what I need that really helps.

So I am hoping that your T doesn't normally let you down, and that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation. I hope this is resolved promptly for you, I know how difficult breaks in contact can be.
Crootie

Tas, If you try and figure out what it is that 'little Tas' feels and what she needs, your half way there. I'd say she felt a wee bit insecure~ generally speaking. She is afraid and feeling unsafe. Those feelings can make one wonder if we are at all going to make it to the next minute.

Along comes T to rescue wee Tas, and the last thing us 'insecures' want is to lose T. If in any way you show feelings of any kind there is a risk that T will turn his back on you. It is safer to hide those feelings and yourself. It's what we have learnt to survive. T's know this.

Of course we want more than what T's can offer for us to feel safe. 24hr care from T aint gonna happen. As adults we KNOW that, but the child in us wont stop yearning for safety. It is what she has always wanted.

The first thing our carers (T's) do to make us feel secure is to set up boundaries. We may not like them,or want them, but we need them. It is a carers way of saying wait, when they disappear on holidays (for example.) Wee Tas will learn that T is trustworthy, and will return.

Logic isnt what little Tas is into right now because there are too many feelings of abandonment from her past happening.

T left you one message. That is the deal, as far as he is concerned. He done what you asked, and may not get your second message.

There is no logic in the sea of emotion though is there Tas?

No logic at all Muff. I am very much or was very much a logical person until something unexpectantly happened. The only thing I can liken it to is a tsunami of emotion destroyed my well built internal house...it has been horrible. I am hanging on but I feel as if I am being worn down.

It's the time we have to dig deep into our selves and find something there to hold the house up Tas.

I dont know what the 'happening' was to make you feel this way, but hang on in here and keep talking until he gets back from hols. We are at least listening.

Muff...thank you. I guess he has his reasons.

Crootie...I missed your reply. I am sorry. I definitely need to keep a balanced perspective...

Grueling. Time doesn't stop, though, does it?

Do you think you could make a list, just here, of what the fears are when you aren't able to have that feedback from T, like:

1. I'm afraid you suddenly won't be there for me anymore.

2. I'm afraid you do or will resent me and wish I'd leave.

Then maybe a separate list that says what is getting in the way of you sharing those fears with him directly and exploring them, like:

I'm afraid if I expose that I'm attached to and feel needy toward you, it will push you away more quickly.

Is there anything, when your T gets back, that you think you could risk to tell him in person a bout all these fears and projections?

My guess is that there were people who couldn't deal well with you needing them when you were very young. If you're like me, you're torn between needing him (as an attachment figure) very badly on one level and being phobic of your "need" feelings, thus rejecting and pushing away the connection at times.

Anyway, just an idea of what you can do to process these feelings while they are "live" during his vacation. It's a good time to really get in touch with what's there and document it. That helped me during my T's break.

I'm glad you did get the first call, but sorry you erased it. Maybe he wondered whether the next call was an attempt to get more contact, not just a simple mistake in deleting the message, and so he didn't want to encourage violating the contact boundary you have in place for now?

(((TAS)))

I am so sorry that you erased his message but I am really glad that he called. Did you hear the message before you erased it? Can you write down what you remember and reread it?

I think you (and I) can understand that T can't be everything we want them to be but that doesn't erase our feelings about it. have you read the Attachment to Your Therapist I reread it regularly and I am still angry that it has to work like this.

Anonymously...I will definitely make the list...very real fears as I am sure you can relate...

I know he did call and I did thank him...I don't understand why he couldn't call again...but that is his decision...I wonder if it is more important to keep limited contact ... I definitely don't like not being heard.

Oh well, I think I am honestly over it. I am worn down and exhausted. He outlasted me. He didn't reply and he probably feels really good he didn't give in and he stuck to his boundaries.

I know he is just doing what he is supposed to do.

Incognito... I think we cross posted...honestly, I hate everything about this. I know he can't be...so why continue to put myself through this? It seems cruel and I am sure most of us can relate.

Yes, thank you for referencing that article. I am just hurting so badly, that's all. I am probably not going back when he returns. I am tired of being reminded of what I can never have. I have been aware of this inequality my whole life. This just highlights it even more.

Thanks Cogs

(((TAS))) i hope you do go back when he returns. i know you're hurting, and i understand about therapy reminding you of what you can't have. i'm having that constant struggle myself. somthing tells me, though, that it's all worth it. i know it's painful. i'm there with you. i understand.

hang in there, TAS. the hardest part for me, too, is being constantly reminded of what you can't have. i'm sorry it hurts like a son-of-a-bitch, but i really thing you need to experience that pain (from when you were a little girl) in order to move on. i hear you and i feel for you and i hope you hang in there. gentle thoughts and gentle hugs

I think it's possible your T could be, like you've acknowledged, just holding boundaries. It's a "give an inch, take a mile" thing perhaps. T, as anon said, may see the behavior of asking for another call (when I imagine this call was a 1 time thing) as pushing the boundaries - he called you, now you want another or a note etc. It totally sucks that your VM got deleted. Your T holds really tight boundaries and, since I think this might be one of the first out of session things he has done... It may be more likely viewed as manipulation like mentioned by 'the kid' in the article.

If you have an iPhone it keeps your deleted voicemail in sort of a recycle bin. Some Telly carriers hold VM online. To me, it seems a little far fetched to lose a voicemail - I'm not saying you are at all lying - just that for me personally, I have a difficult time buying stuff like that because corporate America and my job have destroyed any sense of trust in what people say about their technology (again, I'd make the worst T ever because I probably have even tougher personal boundaries than your T). Tech support has ruined my soul... I'm just saying I could justify your T being rather thoughtless (I know I'd need a replacement for a holiday too!!!!) if he views the technology world through tar covered lenses.

I hope you can find a T with boundaries you are okay with. I can empathize The boundary work I have done in therapy too has been frustrating and painful. It's so easy to open a flood gate and an uphill battle to close.

Take gentle care.

*closed doors: I DON'T want to feel the pain...it takes my breath away...literally...I know I can not bear it. He has to do what he feels he needs to do but I know my limits. A couple of weeks ago I told him I was going to have to stop therapy because of this no contact boundary. I can't deal with what it brings up. If he would allow contact...it would lessen the pain or make it more manageable.

I say all of this with no malice towards him...I just can't hang.

*Catalyst: I could see how it could be viewed from that perspective...As far as finding a T with boundaries I am okay with...no matter where I went...boundaries piss me off. There would eventually be some boundary I would not like and end up leaving them, too. I was born for leaving.

Thank you for your replies I appreciate them.

I want to tell him to keep his stupid boundaries and if I want to wear sunglasses during session, I will damn well do it and he will have to put up with it!