Hi Unbroken,

I used to feel intense guilt anytime I would complain about my mother or even criticize her slightly. I tend to be fiercely protective of her and to some extent even believe in the saintly, idealized version of her that I've created and try to promote. Admitting that my mother has hurt me and that our relationship has it's negative elements is something that I've only been able to do slowly, over time. I've only even done that because it's seemed crucial in addressing my own issues and in trying to individuate a bit, but it's been hard.

So, yeah, I can relate. It helps me to remind myself that I'm not bashing my family for the sake of bashing, or out of a vindictive desire to expose their problems, but because speaking my truth in an appropriate context is vital to my health and well being. I still try to do it in as respectful and loyal a way as possible. Personally, I don't think that instinct towards loyalty is necessarily a bad thing, but it can be counterproductive and harmful when it gets in the way of healing.

Hugs to you,
HIC

Hugs to you ((Unbroken)) I can very much relate. I often feel guilty for feeling the way I do about my family of origin. I remind myself of what my T said - that I was the "normal" one in their world of crazy, so I was made to feel the outcast. I still don't enjoy time with them, and it's even harder for me to be around them this time of year because so many painful memories surface, but they don't seem to bat an eye.

Like HIC said, it isn't that you are bashing your family at all, you are unburdening yourself so you can better live YOUR life without carrying as much of THEIR stuff around with you. There is something about a commandment of "be loyal to thy parents" or something like that, but I have been told it isn't applicable in situations where there is valid reason (abuse, trauma, etc) to not obey and be loyal to thy family.

You are NOT the bad one for taking care of yourself. In holding on to our past hurts alone for so long, we feel bad because when we finally start to talk, and that huge sigh of relief comes, it is frightening thinking that "if only they knew, then XYZ" and we can't quite settle into the comfort of being able to unload our burdens on those that really do care.

You're not alone, and you will get through this!

(((Unbroken)))

I feel bad and in trouble for sharing that stuff, yes. I have a particular part who feels that way all the time. I also struggle with horrible guilt for not wanting relationship with my family members, like not even feeling I missed out on anything by being so disconnected from my parents, and wanting to get those needs met by others (or not at all) as long as I can remember. T keeps telling me that my journals, poetry, stories, etc. should be published as they could really help people, but I keep telling him that I could never do something like that, which would be so hurtful to those who are ultimately reflected in them. I don't know why I am so concerned with protecting them, but it's almost like programming. I remember being punished for telling how things were at home, being threatened about it...so sharing still feels like something really bad every time.

R2G said it best:

quote:

You're not alone, and you will get through this!

((((Unbroken))))

This is one of the biggest reasons why I still fight believing that anything happened, because feeling like I'm betraying my family is almost too much to bear. I'm slowly learning that it's okay, but it's a long process, and you'll get there too. My T told me once (a little after I first told her about the CSA) that I had a crime committed against me, and I told her that I felt like *I* was the one committing the crime by saying anything. She told me that it's not a crime to talk about something that should never have happened.

I have trouble believing that sometimes still, but I *know* that you're absolutely not doing anything wrong by talking about what happened. The only betrayal is what happened to you in the first place.

(((hugs))) I'm sorry you're hurting.

Oh gosh yes, I always struggle to disclose stuff about my parents because I have a range of uncomfortable feelings that go with these sort of disclosures, ranging from expecting them to rush in and tell the T I am lying, to upsetting my (now dead) dad somehow.

I think it is because although they were pretty awful to me I only had them when I was growing up so I had to try to keep believing in them and hoping and appreciating very much whatever good thing came my way from them, and I still feel like that. It is really hard revealing the unkind, or hurtful, or abusive stuff they did because it seriously knocks my years long attempts to keep them as 'okay really' in my head and heart. I still want to find out I have got it wrong, and that I had a really nice childhood really, well, with a bit of violence and emotional starvation and lack of love, but I WAS fed and clothed and got presents and had holidays and my mom made clothes for me etc etc.

Oh, well, you get the gist of it. It is really hard - but I am told it gets better, and I am waiting for it to feel better, I suppose it does feel easier than it did a year ago.

Hi Unbroken,

Yes I felt guilty for a long time trying to talk about the things my parents did (or didn't do) that hurt me. I didn't have the direct commands not to tell, as many here did, because I wasn't much of a talker anyway (my defense was to escape into daydreams and books), and besides, so much of it was "just" neglect (and I use those quotes because sometimes I have to remind myself, the absence of something you need hurts, too). My mother's guilt trips were a little different in that she got angry any time I found a little bit of what I needed from her, in someone else instead. And sometimes she would try to take those things away, either by destroying it, or by suddenly needing what I had, and taking it for herself. But through therapy, I've gotten much better at not feeling guilty for having some of the things I need, and not feeling guilty for not giving it all to her.

I'm not sure if this is exactly what you were talking about but it is the way I experience the guilt of getting healthier in my own FOO. I am sorry you are experiencing these painful feelings that you are somehow betraying your FOO. I most emphatically agree with everyone else here, that in fact you are not betraying anyone, and are in fact taking care of yourself in a really important way by speaking your truth. I hope you can keep doing this until the false feelings of betrayal fade and are replaced by the conviction that you are worth being protected and cared for.

Hugs,
SG

Hi, Unbroken- I relate to those feelings of being a traitor- or at least I used to, years ago. Now I'm just so confused that I don't know what to think or feel. But just know that in addressing the truth, you are actually doing a good thing. Hiding their sins makes you have to take the blame- hard to let go of that one- but, you are doing the right thing by addressing their wrongs to you. I'm sorry it hurts so much.

Hugs,

BB

Thanks all for validating my feelings on this topic. It's been a struggle.

I think it was definitely manipulation on my parents part to brainwash me into thinking that what they were doing was normal. I mean, yes, maybe it was normal for them BUT in comparison to the outside world, it is NOT normal. It's taken me 30 years to realize this. I have a hard time speaking negatively about them because there is a strong sense of loyalty towards family that has always been a part of the family dynamic in my FOO.

I also believe that I always tried to make excuses and shrug off their bad habits because they are my family and I was trying to accept them for everything they were...plus, it's embarrassing when outsiders question the motives of your parents and you know that their decisions are pretty messed up or stupid, and you feel extremely shameful that you can't really explain it at all. It's just them--how they've always done things.

My family never allowed me to have friends while growing up. It was as if having a friend was a betrayal of the family. I had friends at school, but none that lasted because I could never go anywhere, do anything, or have people over to my home. So, because I was never allowed to get close to another person and share myself---by getting into therapy and airing all the dirty laundry in regards to my FOO is basically asking for DEATH. I am serious. It's almost frightening to think of the danger I have put myself in by allowing T into my most private and personal matters. I feel like if they ever found out they would destroy me.

I understand that wont happen because they can't. I am an adult now, but that little girl inside of me is still frightened. Does that make sense?

--Brokes

(((((((((((((((((((Brokes))))))))))))))))))

Yes, this all makes a lot of sense. You were a nothing less than a hostage in your own home, sweetie. What a nightmare. Personally I think you are incredibly brave to speak out the way you are. And please don't be hard on yourself for how long it has taken to realize these truths. Your parents worked really hard to keep you captive, and I think it is amazingly courageous of you to work like this to free yourself. I do believe it feels like you are risking death to talk about all of this. But the thing I want you to keep remembering, and keep reading over and over again here if you have to, is that it is only a feeling - it is NOT the truth. Eventually those feelings will fade and change but it will take a lot of hard work from you. But you can do it. You are already doing it. I wish I could hug that terrified little girl inside you right now.

Love,
SG

((SG))
You are awesome! Thank you for the kind words of understanding and encouragement!
It means so much to me.

Brokes