Removed at request of member - AG
Original Post
Replies sorted oldest to newest
hi, puppet. i don't think your T's response is at all unreasonable. if i get a call if i get a call like that, i typically will hang up after two "hello"s. having said that, given the circumstances i don't think your response is unreasonable, either. you're in a tough spot and probably feeling more than a little sensitive, too. so it's understandable. all i can say is, there is a reason why to reacted the way you did, and i think it's good fodder for your next session ... to try to figure out why you were so hurt by it so you can better overcome that type of reaction in the future. neither of you were wrong in this situation, i don't think. take care and let us know how things go. 
Hi,
I understand that your T hung up after getting no response, but I would have expected her to used to this! I would have expected her to wait a little longer maybe realising it was a distressed clienta and been a bit more persistent.
I would also have been upset, but logically she did not know it was you, so it is not personal!
Talk to her about it, maybe she just has not thought about someone phoning and not being able to speak. She will then be more aware in future.
Starlight
I understand that your T hung up after getting no response, but I would have expected her to used to this! I would have expected her to wait a little longer maybe realising it was a distressed clienta and been a bit more persistent.
I would also have been upset, but logically she did not know it was you, so it is not personal!
Talk to her about it, maybe she just has not thought about someone phoning and not being able to speak. She will then be more aware in future.
Starlight
Hi Puppet
I was about to reply but Starlight said exactly what I was about to say first! I don't think either of you were at fault here. Most people would hang up after saying hello twice and getting no response, but I have to agree with Starlight in that T's perhaps should be a little more understanding in that they might be getting a call from a client who is having a hard time speaking. It would have been nice if she had said something like "it's okay, I'm here, take your time" or something like that.
I think what you experienced is called "emotional hi-jacking" where the irrational side of the brain kicks in to produce the emotions you felt before the rational side got it's act together a little while later.
As Closed Doors said, there is a good reason why you reacted as you did and it is a good thing to discuss with your T to see if you can figure out a better way of coping with it next time.
I was about to reply but Starlight said exactly what I was about to say first! I don't think either of you were at fault here. Most people would hang up after saying hello twice and getting no response, but I have to agree with Starlight in that T's perhaps should be a little more understanding in that they might be getting a call from a client who is having a hard time speaking. It would have been nice if she had said something like "it's okay, I'm here, take your time" or something like that.
I think what you experienced is called "emotional hi-jacking" where the irrational side of the brain kicks in to produce the emotions you felt before the rational side got it's act together a little while later.
As Closed Doors said, there is a good reason why you reacted as you did and it is a good thing to discuss with your T to see if you can figure out a better way of coping with it next time.
just wanted to say thank you, you are all really sweet and helpful... i'm just feeling so exhausted right now and need to forget about this for a while... will come back and reply properly later.
puppet
puppet
((CD)), thank you for the reality check, its good to try to think rationally and understand her side as well. see more about how my session went below (it sucked!)
((starry)) thanks for saying you would have expected her to be used to this.. i also expected more!
((AV)) its so sweet what you said she could have said!
((D)) i liked your version too, it really touched me! my T needs answering the phone lessons!
puppet
((starry)) thanks for saying you would have expected her to be used to this.. i also expected more!
((AV)) its so sweet what you said she could have said!
((D)) i liked your version too, it really touched me! my T needs answering the phone lessons!
puppet
((( puppet )))
hugs to you.
if my T asked "is that what you want"? i would take it as a "yes, that is what i want". therapy can be so hard. you know, i think i'm going to stop right here because i really dont' think i'm in a good place to respond to you right now. i want to let you know i'm still reading and following your story. i guess what i can add is, that if you want to put your thoughts in an email and send it to your T, i think that may be beneficial to you both. but don't expect much back. that's been my experience. take it easy. hugs, puppet.
hugs to you.
if my T asked "is that what you want"? i would take it as a "yes, that is what i want". therapy can be so hard. you know, i think i'm going to stop right here because i really dont' think i'm in a good place to respond to you right now. i want to let you know i'm still reading and following your story. i guess what i can add is, that if you want to put your thoughts in an email and send it to your T, i think that may be beneficial to you both. but don't expect much back. that's been my experience. take it easy. hugs, puppet.
((cd)) thank you for your reply and for reading and following my story, it means a lot! sorry to hear you're not in a good place, and dont worry about replying again, i just need to express some of all these thoughts going round and round in my head.
i think i took her question to mean - is that what you want me to say (that i want her to quit) so i can get you off the hook? she keeps asking me what i want but i wont answer her, because i want to know what she's going to do without knowing what i want (without being influenced by it, or pretending that she's going along with what i want)... probably a lot of messed up thinking in there, but it is what it is.
anyway, i feel like i should probably stop here, and maybe seriously consider writing that email, maybe the more i write here, the less chance i would actually write that email - because only deep desperation will get me to write it. therapy is at such an impasse, the biggest ever. i dont even know how i'm going to function for a whole week, and then if next session goes badly too.....
i still keep worrying the email might not be such a good idea, maybe i am doing the same thing as with the phone call - i am expecting a kind understanding response, like from a 'mother', but she is NOT my mother, never will be and she seems to shy away from mothering type of interactions, which is maybe a good thing, i don't know.
thanks for reading,
puppet
i think i took her question to mean - is that what you want me to say (that i want her to quit) so i can get you off the hook? she keeps asking me what i want but i wont answer her, because i want to know what she's going to do without knowing what i want (without being influenced by it, or pretending that she's going along with what i want)... probably a lot of messed up thinking in there, but it is what it is.
anyway, i feel like i should probably stop here, and maybe seriously consider writing that email, maybe the more i write here, the less chance i would actually write that email - because only deep desperation will get me to write it. therapy is at such an impasse, the biggest ever. i dont even know how i'm going to function for a whole week, and then if next session goes badly too.....
i still keep worrying the email might not be such a good idea, maybe i am doing the same thing as with the phone call - i am expecting a kind understanding response, like from a 'mother', but she is NOT my mother, never will be and she seems to shy away from mothering type of interactions, which is maybe a good thing, i don't know.
thanks for reading,
puppet
Puppet,
I was thinking, instead of sending an email because of your worries with that, what if you typed it all out as if you were sending an email and then printed it up and brought it to her to read during session? I am not in therapy currently, but when I was, writing was so incredibly beneficial for me. Talking is very hard for me. Writing is much easier. In my opinoin, any T that does not allow written communcation is not a T that I want to see.
Also I just wanted to say that I can't tell you how many times I took things the wrong way that my T said or did. I am not saying that is what has happened with you but am just giving you a piece of my experience to think about. I would get so incredibly hurt and upset and send myself into a tailspin by assuming that T meant something that she didn't. It was only until I started writing and specifically asking her word for word what something she did or said had meant. I would tell her how I interpredted it and then ask if that was what she had meant. Maybe you can try that? Just a thought. I understand how you are feeling and I am sorry for you pain.
I was thinking, instead of sending an email because of your worries with that, what if you typed it all out as if you were sending an email and then printed it up and brought it to her to read during session? I am not in therapy currently, but when I was, writing was so incredibly beneficial for me. Talking is very hard for me. Writing is much easier. In my opinoin, any T that does not allow written communcation is not a T that I want to see.
Also I just wanted to say that I can't tell you how many times I took things the wrong way that my T said or did. I am not saying that is what has happened with you but am just giving you a piece of my experience to think about. I would get so incredibly hurt and upset and send myself into a tailspin by assuming that T meant something that she didn't. It was only until I started writing and specifically asking her word for word what something she did or said had meant. I would tell her how I interpredted it and then ask if that was what she had meant. Maybe you can try that? Just a thought. I understand how you are feeling and I am sorry for you pain.
Kmay,
I think that's a great piece of advice you've given to puppet. I've done the very same thing with my T a few times; written everything down in a word document and then printed it off for her to read. Although a couple of times I have e-mailed her the document a few hours before my appointment time to give her the chance to digest it first. Only once did I write an actual e-mail to her and on reading through once I'd done it; it upset ME so much to read it that I couldn't bear to think of it upsetting T without me being there to explain what I'd written! That e-mail sat in my outbox for the best part of a week unsent, but got printed out and taken to my session.
My T will actually encourage me to use written communication as she feels I can put my thoughts across more eloquently in written form than verbally a lot of the time.
About misunderstanding things that T might do or say; I've never tried to get that explained via a written communication; I've always done that verbally; but it sounds like something I should try perhaps. Thanks for that tip; it might help me as well as puppet.
I think that's a great piece of advice you've given to puppet. I've done the very same thing with my T a few times; written everything down in a word document and then printed it off for her to read. Although a couple of times I have e-mailed her the document a few hours before my appointment time to give her the chance to digest it first. Only once did I write an actual e-mail to her and on reading through once I'd done it; it upset ME so much to read it that I couldn't bear to think of it upsetting T without me being there to explain what I'd written! That e-mail sat in my outbox for the best part of a week unsent, but got printed out and taken to my session.
My T will actually encourage me to use written communication as she feels I can put my thoughts across more eloquently in written form than verbally a lot of the time.
About misunderstanding things that T might do or say; I've never tried to get that explained via a written communication; I've always done that verbally; but it sounds like something I should try perhaps. Thanks for that tip; it might help me as well as puppet.
thank you kmay, your advice is very helpful! i just hope i have the guts to do it 
an email would have been the chicken way to do it, cos you can just click send... but then you still have to deal with the consequences later... and also, i just dont know if i can take any more rejection right now...
i guess my worry is that i won't get to say what i wanted to say (and it feels really important that i say these things to her) - because i'll either be too chicken to write the email, or write it down and give it to her... and it is even more unlikely that i would be able to SAY those things to her in person. but in a way i feel like i'm cheating with the other options, like i should just 'talk' to her... i dont know where this is coming from... maybe its all i heard her say at our last session, about how i dont talk etc, and i felt really criticized and broken down
i do think its a great idea though and thank you for sharing your difficulties too and how it worked for you.
just wanted to give a disclaimer i guess... i'm not sure yet if i will have the guts to do it
thanks av for your encouragement to write to her too. its nice to hear that your T encourages this - for some reason, i thought most Ts would be against it.
thank you both, i really appreciate it. if i sound flat its because i'm still really upset and numb about it. but maybe there's hope and relief in sight.
hugs,
puppet
an email would have been the chicken way to do it, cos you can just click send... but then you still have to deal with the consequences later... and also, i just dont know if i can take any more rejection right now...
i guess my worry is that i won't get to say what i wanted to say (and it feels really important that i say these things to her) - because i'll either be too chicken to write the email, or write it down and give it to her... and it is even more unlikely that i would be able to SAY those things to her in person. but in a way i feel like i'm cheating with the other options, like i should just 'talk' to her... i dont know where this is coming from... maybe its all i heard her say at our last session, about how i dont talk etc, and i felt really criticized and broken down
i do think its a great idea though and thank you for sharing your difficulties too and how it worked for you.
just wanted to give a disclaimer i guess... i'm not sure yet if i will have the guts to do it
thanks av for your encouragement to write to her too. its nice to hear that your T encourages this - for some reason, i thought most Ts would be against it.
thank you both, i really appreciate it. if i sound flat its because i'm still really upset and numb about it. but maybe there's hope and relief in sight.
hugs,
puppet
Hello Puppet, I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with your T at the moment. I know I’m late to this thread and maybe things have been sorted by now, but I wanted to write to send you some hugs and support.
I also think, reading between the lines, that something else is going on here with your T that isn’t just about the way she answers the phone and hasn’t picked up on your needs in session – I get the feeling you are going through some sort of defensive negative reaction to therapy (fears, doubts, old patterns emerging?)
Like the others who replied, I too think it would be a good idea if you could outline how you’re feeling and why and try and convey that to T – the fact that you’re feeling criticized and broken down is a sure sign that things are going on underneath that need to be brought into the daylight. Only of course, if and when you’re ready. Maybe take one small aspect of what’s been happening and address that first with T, see where it takes you?
I hope you’re doing ok, therapy notwithstanding, and that the flat feeling is dissipating by now.
(((((((((( Puppet )))))))))
LL
I also think, reading between the lines, that something else is going on here with your T that isn’t just about the way she answers the phone and hasn’t picked up on your needs in session – I get the feeling you are going through some sort of defensive negative reaction to therapy (fears, doubts, old patterns emerging?)
Like the others who replied, I too think it would be a good idea if you could outline how you’re feeling and why and try and convey that to T – the fact that you’re feeling criticized and broken down is a sure sign that things are going on underneath that need to be brought into the daylight. Only of course, if and when you’re ready. Maybe take one small aspect of what’s been happening and address that first with T, see where it takes you?
I hope you’re doing ok, therapy notwithstanding, and that the flat feeling is dissipating by now.
(((((((((( Puppet )))))))))
LL
((lampers)) nice to see you and thank you for your thoughts!! you are totally right, there is definitely something else going on underneath, something i haven't been able to talk about (too chicken - and i feel like if i say it then it becomes real, if i say what i'm afraid will happen, then it will more likely happen.... not sure if this logic makes sense to anyone else).
i have a few days before my session, but i'm too afraid to hope for too much cos sometimes too much pressure (that i put on myself) makes me freeze.
i'll come back with an update soon (good or bad).
hugs,
puppet
lampers, just wanted to add - you're so clever
i have a few days before my session, but i'm too afraid to hope for too much cos sometimes too much pressure (that i put on myself) makes me freeze.
i'll come back with an update soon (good or bad).
hugs,
puppet
lampers, just wanted to add - you're so clever
Hey there Puppet, I think I know exactly what you mean about being afraid to put things into words because that then makes them real and it’s like tempting fate – speak it and it comes true, keep it hidden away in the back of your mind and it’s less of a threat in the real world that way.
The fact that you’re sort of half aware of it though, says it’s on its way out into the daylight anyway – though that’s no reason for you to push yourself to face it just yet. It sounds like you are under a heap of pressure anyway so you don’t need to put yourself under anymore. Maybe just give yourself a break for the next session and don’t go in with any agenda, just see how it pans out by itself? I do that sometimes when I get sick of having to endlessly sort things out, I just go, oh to hell with it I’ll just turn up and play it by ear.
Anyway I hope it goes ok for you. Sending lots of support your way
LL
p.s. thanks for the lovely compliment
The fact that you’re sort of half aware of it though, says it’s on its way out into the daylight anyway – though that’s no reason for you to push yourself to face it just yet. It sounds like you are under a heap of pressure anyway so you don’t need to put yourself under anymore. Maybe just give yourself a break for the next session and don’t go in with any agenda, just see how it pans out by itself? I do that sometimes when I get sick of having to endlessly sort things out, I just go, oh to hell with it I’ll just turn up and play it by ear.
Anyway I hope it goes ok for you. Sending lots of support your way
LL
p.s. thanks for the lovely compliment
thank you lampers for being so sweet and encouraging...
unfortunately my session didnt pan out too great... i did say some things (as opposed to total silence) but somehow i left feeling even more broken and sad and alone then before....
so now i have just emailed my T!!!..... and will start FREAKING OUT very soon...... but too exhausted right now........ will update later... after a good sleep / cry / panic attack...
thank you to everyone who's been reading and offering support, it means so much that others understand and i'm not alone
puppet
unfortunately my session didnt pan out too great... i did say some things (as opposed to total silence) but somehow i left feeling even more broken and sad and alone then before....
so now i have just emailed my T!!!..... and will start FREAKING OUT very soon...... but too exhausted right now........ will update later... after a good sleep / cry / panic attack...
thank you to everyone who's been reading and offering support, it means so much that others understand and i'm not alone
puppet
Puppet,
Typing from my phone so gonna keep it short for now. Please don't freak out. I think the email is brave and smart. What is most important is that T knows how you feel no matter how you communicate that. The email may be just what is needed to get some verbal dialogue going. What matters is that you get your feelings out so toy can feel better. I think you did great! Hang in there and keep us updated. (((hugs))).
Typing from my phone so gonna keep it short for now. Please don't freak out. I think the email is brave and smart. What is most important is that T knows how you feel no matter how you communicate that. The email may be just what is needed to get some verbal dialogue going. What matters is that you get your feelings out so toy can feel better. I think you did great! Hang in there and keep us updated. (((hugs))).
(((Puppet))) if you possibly can - just try to slow down and b r e a t h e!
(((((((( Puppet ))))))))
I am SO sorry the session turned out so badly. Or that you ended up feeling more broken than before (which means that perhaps there is something salvageable from the session after all, just that you haven't been able to see it yet.) That's not meant to be dismissive by the way, just a hope that therapy itself is ok and will weather whatever is going tits up for you at the moment.
Hope you got a response, and a positive one at that, to your email to T.
When you're ready, let us know what happened and how you're feeling.
In the meantime, sending you a load of comforting and supportive hugs
LL
I am SO sorry the session turned out so badly. Or that you ended up feeling more broken than before (which means that perhaps there is something salvageable from the session after all, just that you haven't been able to see it yet.) That's not meant to be dismissive by the way, just a hope that therapy itself is ok and will weather whatever is going tits up for you at the moment.
Hope you got a response, and a positive one at that, to your email to T.
When you're ready, let us know what happened and how you're feeling.
In the meantime, sending you a load of comforting and supportive hugs
LL
thank you guys, you are so sweet!
i'm struggling with feeling guilty and unworthy of this ongoing thread where i keep whining...
so i was waiting to feel a bit better before i posted again... but i'm afraid i have missed that small window again...
i did receive an email back from her, and at first i felt... euphoric... heard... not invisible anymore... not sure anymore, it was a very strange feeling that i seem to have lost. i feel exhausted and in shock now so maybe i need more time to process and i might be able to get some of it back... because its a really big thing, her replying to me. HUGE. if i can feel it again. (scary too... thats the problem)
i hope to come back and update when feeling a little better.
thank you all so much for your support! i dont know how i would have coped without it!
hugs back,
puppet
i'm struggling with feeling guilty and unworthy of this ongoing thread where i keep whining...
so i was waiting to feel a bit better before i posted again... but i'm afraid i have missed that small window again...
i did receive an email back from her, and at first i felt... euphoric... heard... not invisible anymore... not sure anymore, it was a very strange feeling that i seem to have lost. i feel exhausted and in shock now so maybe i need more time to process and i might be able to get some of it back... because its a really big thing, her replying to me. HUGE. if i can feel it again. (scary too... thats the problem)
i hope to come back and update when feeling a little better.
thank you all so much for your support! i dont know how i would have coped without it!
hugs back,
puppet
((((Puppet)))) no way are you whining!! you are a totally valued member of this family, just talkng and sharing among friends! i'm so pleased she responded and your reactions are pretty normal imho!! just try to sit quietly and remember your first reaction and breathe into and through it and try not to overthink!
this is good stuff ((((Puppet))))
this is good stuff ((((Puppet))))
hey, ((( puppet )))
get the whole euphoric, heard and not invisible deal, and especially the scary part, too. you are not whining, nor are you unworthy! you're an important part of this community, so take heart! it's good to see you post, keep it up!
get the whole euphoric, heard and not invisible deal, and especially the scary part, too. you are not whining, nor are you unworthy! you're an important part of this community, so take heart! it's good to see you post, keep it up!
(((((((( Puppet ))))))))
Hi (((Puppet)))
I totally understand that euphoric feeling. I am exactly the same way when my T contacts me between sessions; feeling cared about, loved, heard, and even special. That someone would do that just for me felt alien to start with.
Try to hold onto those initial feelings because you ARE so worthy and deserving of somebody doing that for you.
I totally understand that euphoric feeling. I am exactly the same way when my T contacts me between sessions; feeling cared about, loved, heard, and even special. That someone would do that just for me felt alien to start with.
Try to hold onto those initial feelings because you ARE so worthy and deserving of somebody doing that for you.
thank you guys, you are too sweet!
sorry its just a short message, i've had a tough couple of days, starting to feel a bit better now but totally exhausted.
i have read her email about 100 times now... i think my favourite words are 'dear puppet'...
its crazy how something good has thrown so much conflict and fear and self loathing too... but i'm determined not to lose this good thing and i hope my next session will go better because of this.
thank you for your words too, they mean a lot to me !
puppet
sorry its just a short message, i've had a tough couple of days, starting to feel a bit better now but totally exhausted.
i have read her email about 100 times now... i think my favourite words are 'dear puppet'...
its crazy how something good has thrown so much conflict and fear and self loathing too... but i'm determined not to lose this good thing and i hope my next session will go better because of this.
thank you for your words too, they mean a lot to me !
puppet
I totally understand what you are saying...I am alowed to email my T, because she says, that it is better said or written than keeping all frustration inside. I have problems talking to her eye-to-eye...So I think it is really good, that you've written to her and that you got her reply...I do think it is good to have email contact, because you can read it when ever you want. It is just that written word lasts longer. Okay with limitations, I only write when I am in huge pain.
Hope u update soon puppet!!! Hugs!
Hope u update soon puppet!!! Hugs!