In the beginning he talked a lot and was getting onto me for contacting him to much and for playing dumb when he would ask me if I know why I have the transference. He told me that he has been there for me through thick and thin except for the one time he stopped seeing me cause I went over the top on things with the stalking but that he did take me back because he thinks he can help me and do some good for me and wants to do that but he doesnt want to feel like he has waisted 10 years on someone who isnt truly trying to get better. I tried to tell him I wasnt playing dumb or playing games like he thinks I am and he just said "yeah you are." He said that I often doubt whether or not he cares about me and that if he did not care then he would not be seeing me. He said he could fill the time slot that I take with someone else and get just as much money out of them as he does out of me, and then he said "actually I could get more money" cause he lets me pay less when I cant afford it. That made me feel kind of good cause he really does care cause he really could make more money off someone else if it is just about the money or his job. He told me it was time to step it up and start making some steps forward to show that I was serious and that the first step should be talking more so he knows what is really going on and stop using my crazy child like behavior as a way to push him and other people away and keep them from getting to know the real me. Out of nowhere I told him that I was scared to do that because that would require me trusting people and I didnt want to trust anyone and risk getting hurt. I told him I dont care if I get hurt physically cause I can deal with that and that is why I do crazy things that can get me hurt but I cant deal with letting someone get close enough to hurt me emotionally. At the end of his talk about that he said our time was up but that he wanted to know if I wanted to try to talk about the transference instead of just write it down. I told him that I play dumb with the transference stuff because it is hard to talk about and he actually told me that he could respect that answer and if I would have given him that answer instead of playing dumb that we could work off of that. I sat there quietly for a second without looking at him and with my hands over my mouth and said "I feel like I am in love with you and I cant stop thinking about you." That was all I could manage to get out before I started dissociating some. He said that I said it the right way because I do FEEL like I am in love with him but Im not really and that if I continue to talk to him about it the feelings will get better and not be so sexualized. He told me we would never be together and he would never love me the way I want him to but that he does love me as a patient and as God tells us to love each other and that he truly cares about me. He said that he cant wait for the day when I can tell him that I love him and it mean that I love him in a christian way, as a friend and as my psychiatrist. We talked a little more and I felt like he really understood where I was coming from and really understood how I was feeling and really cared about how I was feeling and when I would get up enough guts to look him in the eyes he had such a kind, loving and caring expression on his face and eyes, almost like he wished he could fix all this for me just so that I wouldnt have to go through it but he said thats not possible he can just be there to listen and give me advice.
At the end he said I looked a little sad so I was honest with him about dissociating a little bit and trying not to. He said that was very good because dissociating has been one of my defenses to keep from feeling things and to keep people from getting close to me and that he was really proud of me for trying to sit there with the feelings and he thought I was doing an amazing job of it. He then reached for something and handed it to me. He told me that he knew I wasnt catholic but that these rosary beads (which I have seen hanging on his lamp in his office since I first started seeing him 10 years ago) would work as a transitional object. Which he is catholic so I know its something important to him.
Right now I feel a very strong connection with my P which is exciting and very scary at the same time. My normal thing to do would be to push him away and piss him off to ruin the connection cause I let him get close to me and it feels like I let him get WAY to close to me. But I am trying hard not to do that because I loved the feeling I felt when he was that close and it was so different than anything I had ever felt before which was probably why it was scary but it felt so good at the same time. When I start to think about pushing him away or texting or calling him I just hold the beads in my hand and all the feelings from the session come rushing back and reminds me that I dont want to loose the new level our relationship is on so I cant do it. And every time I start to feel like I am loosing the connection with him because he is not here with me I hold the beads and the connection feels like it did when I was in session with him. It was amazing and I hope it can continue being this good. He is letting me come back and see him in three weeks instead of four and I am hoping that I can start where we left off and really go in there talking.
I just feel so amazing right now and I just love him so much but right now it feels more like a fatherly love and I think giving me something during that session made it even more important and amazing because the feelings of that session are all connected to those beads he gave me. If it would have been during a different session where I wasnt so honest and felt so understood and connected I dont think the rosary beads would have worked as well as my transitional object. They would have helped me feel a little connected to him but not bring back the strong connection feelings that I felt for the first time towards anyone in my life because I wouldnt even know what those felt like before this session. So it was perfect timing.
I can not wait for the three weeks to be up so I can go tell him how I feel about this and how well the transitional object works and to continue to let him get close to me and see the real me and let him be there for me. I am so excited!
