Hi IHTS,

What a very difficult place to be...and how tricky to navigate through it. What was helping tremendously is now hurting. No wonder you are feeling ambivalent. It's hard for me to imagine how confusing it must be for both of you!

Have you tried disengaging from her life yet? How do you think she will suffer? Do you think she will have trouble letting go of you too? Has your new shrink given you any suggestions on how to best break this off, and how she can support you at the same time, so you don't have to be so afraid of crashing, or of hurting your former T?

I'm glad you decided to post this secret and I hope it helped to make it a little lighter for you. And although I'm sorry for your pain, you've helped me too. It's good for me to see that even the very best of therapy relationships, like the one you had, would be very different outside of therapy and very likely would not bear any resemblance to what I imagine it would be like. It helps me to accept the boundaries a bit more.

Please keep us posted and let us know how it's going.

SG

(((Itshardtosay)))
I am so sorry for the pain you're in. Ambivalent must be a huge understatement for how you're feeling. It is obvious that you really care for your first T and are very grateful for what she has done for you. On the other hand, you are rightfully angry and confused about her not maintaining the boundaries of the relationship. It makes sense you would be struggling with how to handle it. And that it would invoke a lot of intense feelings.

You are once again in a relationship which is supposed to be only about your needs, but because of the boundary violations you're in the position of struggling with whose needs come first, your's or your Ts. And just like when you were a child, this is NOT a choice you're supposed to have to make. And the fact that there is such secrecy surrounding the situation, that you can't talk about it or your attachment figure might be hurt, also has to trigger some strong associations with earlier abuse. This is NOT a good place for you to be; instead of being reparative, it has slipped over into a re-enactment, where you're suffering and silence is the price you pay for relationship. Which you absolutely shouldn't have to do.

I am really glad you decided to speak up about what was going on, you have a right to speak about it and what is happening to you.

From what you're saying, I think your first Ts intentions were really good. She was trying to give you want you needed to heal and from what you've said in many ways it helped. But there is a good reason those boundaries are there, to protect the client from the very situation you're in. You're first T, out of the best of intentions, decided she could violate those boundaries without consequences and was wrong. So I can see where you don't want to get her in trouble but it is her responsibility for the place you now find yourselves in.

I'm not sure if this would be a possibility, but would you're new T being willing to meet with you and your first T together? I am a little unclear about whether or not you're still seeing the old T or how long you've been seeing the new. But I think you need a safe place where you can confront your first T with how you're feeling about the situation and be able to work out a way for you to leave safely with enough support that you don't feel the floor is being pulled out from under you.

I really am sorry, this has got to be incredibly difficult for you. Please know this a safe place to come and talk about this and be heard.

AG

Thanks SG and AG for your wise and kind words,

I really feel guilty about posting that info.
I feel like a traitor.

This is an awful place to be in. I don't know what I did wrong?? Why did it turn out to be so confusing???


I guess the outcome is her responsibility, but she was responding to my needs. I emailed her asking if she wanted to stop contact with me. Her reply was that the email was hurtful....This morning I asked to see her in person to talk. She has not responded. And, I don't know what I will say. I usually cave when we are together.
She did say a couple of weeks ago, that she will never do this with another client. I feel so bad.

Yes, she referred me to the new P. And No, I am sure she would not go to an appt with me. It would be humiliating for her.

I am feeling grouchy tonight....wondering why things always seem to turn out badly relationally for me. This sure is re-enactment. My whole adult life is one re-enactment after another it seems.

I did have an amazing breakthrough with my new P last Friday. A defense I had strongly erected seemed to give way (we've been working towards this) and I was able to look at some very painful mind blowing young abuse. It blew me away and I had an extreme emotional crash for about 24 hrs. Now I am glad I had the guts to face it. Recovery is really an amazing process...bumps and warts, crashes and all..

Itshardtosay.