The last week or so has been a difficult time. I have been getting really triggered by my older daughter leaving for college (and some other ongoing family issues) and I'm having a difficult time understanding what's going on. I haven't spent such a long period of time so activated in a very long time and it's making it hard to think. I'm trying to think back over the events of the last three weeks in an attempt to make this coherent and am having trouble remembering what's happened.

I saw my T on Monday and processed some really deep grief. Our session before that had been a really good session where we really connected. We were discussing my leaving therapy (an ongoing theme with me, obsessing about it that is) and I was talking about how I feel like I'm asking something of my daughter (leaving home and facing the fear and homesickness) that I'm not willing to ask of myself. Anyone ever struggle with those feelings that you're not getting well fast enough? My T was really clear with me that these are two different situations. That my daughter has been supported throughout this while I have gone most of my life without that support. While we were discussing me leaving, my T let me know that he would miss me when I did go but that the relationship would remain. And that we needed to talk about what "going" really meant. By the end of the session I felt very connected. In the days that followed, I realized that my sense of my relationship with my T has done another quantum shift. I had moved closer again (keep thinking that can't happen but then it does). I have NEVER been this close to someone and stayed safe and it's overwhelming sometimes to say the least.

One of the weirdest parts about getting better has been the fact that accepting and receiving the good stuff is often harder than handling the pain. But when I move closer and stay safe, it makes me conscious once again of the fact that I didn't have that, especially with my father. To say I melted down wouldn't quite describe what hit. I ended up calling my T last Friday to see if I could get an extra appt and couldn't (didn't expect to but what the heck) and talking to him helped. But I walked around not being present in a way that hasn't happended ina long time. I just kept not being there. I was reading posts here and just couldn't respond, even when what I might want to say was running through my head. I'm finding it hard to even talk about how I'm doing (I have a good friend who came after me a few times and when even she said I wasn't present, that kind of freaked me out. I've also been playing computer puzzle games in a way I haven't for years.

So I barely made it intact (at least that's the way it felt) to my appointment on Monday morning. Which was really intense. I walked in, told my T about not being present but not being able to go towards these feelings because I didn't feel safe doing so alone. Then I started crying. I ended up crying for literally between 10 and 15 mins, curled up in a blanket just sobbing. My T has the incredible ability to stay with me while I do that so that I EXPERIENCE not being alone. Right about the time I was feeling embarrassed that this was going on for quite too long, he told me that I was doing what I needed to do. So I felt a lot better by the end of the session. A lot of pressure had been bled off. I kind of figured that was that, at least for awhile.

But I'm still not in a good place. It wore off if you know what I mean. I'm having a lot of feelings which I know are about the past including a lot of fear and grief. And it feels like i'm in a cocoon. I can hear and see and know what's going on but I can't speak or move. I'm actually forcing myself to write this so I move out of that paralyzed frozen place because I know that's not where I live anymore. I called my T today which helped but I'm also facing a two week break (he had another grandchild and is taking a trip to meet him). He has assured me (very strongly!) that I can call or email if I need to, but considering what I want to do is just go sit in his office 24/7, it's feeling a little scary.

So I'm sorry I haven't been posting at all. I feel especially bad not saying hi to the new people posting (Hi! Welcome to the forums!). The upside of all this is that how I am now is how I used to be all the time. Now I hate being this way, so turned inward and shut down. And it's hard getting triggered (my T keeps mentioning my daughter leaving for college) but without being quite sure how and what the feelings are connected to in the past. Why do you never get used to the confusion of healing? It happens every time, yet every time I manage to be suprised (and confused!) by it.

I have no idea what I'm really trying to say or where I'm going with this so I think I'll end it here. Thanks for listening.

AG