Just wondering if you HAVE to split the presents? You're the one who has
put in the time and effort to get gifts...why should your ex get credit for
that? Maybe he needs to take responsibility for not bothering and face your
son with that reality? Just wondering if you are protecting your ex too much?
If he can't be bothered to shop or even be there during the day then let him
give your son a card and cash? I don't know scars...it would infuriate me that
he gets away with being thoughtless and lazy when you have put in the time and
effort to choose gifts....!

i wholeheartedly agree with Searching. your x is a full-grown adult and if he can't be a thoughtful father it is not your place to try to cover that up for him. he's a big boy and he can take care of himself. that would annoy me and cause resentment to no end. take care of yourself and let the x take care of himself.

Yeah, if you guys aren't even together any more I definitely think he should be on his own here! Tell him you are cutting the cord.

This is really difficult, it would feel like I was trying to get "one up" on him and I would hate to enter into that type of thing. Even though, I got quite upset the other night because my daughter was talking about having been in a cafe with her friend and she really liked it. she asked if we had every been there as a family and I said of course we had, we had even been there for breakfast with some family friends. The only thing she could remember was going there with her father. He heard this and smirked and that really annoyed me.

Problem is that I just internalise everything and hurt instead of voicing myself.

(((Scars))) I think your H is being incredibly selfish anyway here; putting time with his floozie before his own sons 21st birthday. Personally I agree with the others and wouldn't split the presents with him; and as others have said, your son is an adult now and you shouldn't need to be covering up your H's shortcomings to him any longer.

What matters is that you do what YOU feel most comfortable doing; not what we ourselves might do.

Wish your son a happy 21st from all of us anyway!!

Scars
I think u got some great answers, but I'll put my .02 cents in.
When I get anything from my parents, that r separated, I know it's from my mom & not my dad. I've just always known that even though his name is on the card.
Would your son know who the gift is really from?

Your so young to have a 21 yr old!!

scars, this isn't about you coming out on top, and the fact that you came here seeking advice is proof of that. this is not you being vengeful, this is you taking care of yourself and expecting another adult to take care of himself. good luck, (((scars)))

The problem is, I can't deal with the confrontation. I have wanted to say something all morning, I did something stupid last night before going to bed because of all this and it is just getting to me, churning away inside.

Okay so last month our son was 21 and his father was not there.

This Saturday our daughter is 17 and once again her father is not going to be there for her evening meal. He is out with his girlfriend again.

Why does this affect me so? (not the girlfriend thing, just his absence)

Because you love your children and don't want their fathers behavior to hurt them. I understand completely.

because maybe from personal experience you know how important the role of father is. maybe you didn't realize it when you were 21 or 17, but as you get older you start to think about these things and realize their utmost importance, and you don't want your kids to suffer the same heart-ache you currently do. just a guess.