Changing gears and moving away from the attachment has been hard. I think it was a way for me to feel more care from my T to focus on my attachment to her. Now that that is not the focus (because we're doing schema work) I am feeling a bit disconnected from her. I guess what I'm really feeling is sad that we aren't connecting emotionally like we were before. It's more about reading stuff from the book, reporting successes I've had in doing the opposite of what I normally do, and celebrating those successes, validating myself, having T validate me and encourage me to keep moving forward with it all, giving me ideas on how to change my schemas, what I can do to connect with others, ideas on things to do with my kids, etc. It is helpful in a lot of ways. I just miss the emotional connection to my T. It's still there, just not on a deep level. However, I don't miss the intense pain that focusing on the relationship brought to my life. I finally asked T to lay out the boundaries for me (meaning her emotional boundaries) because I was so confused as to who she is in my life, where I 'fit' with her (just a patient or more) and needed to know in no uncertain terms. I got what I needed and have felt SO much better since then. It's like I just needed to know from HER, not from my own interpretations/ideas/feelings, etc. It was very helpful to finally ask that of her and get that need met. I finally feel 'safe' with her because I know where we're both at and I have reached a place where I can accept it and be okay with it.
Things are moving along. I am not one to jump in with both feet, so I haven't been working as hard as I could on changing my schemas. It's tough, especially with major depression. And my T pushes me pretty quickly. She has me reading a different chapter each week and then I'm supposed to work on doing the opposite of what I normally do and journal my successes in that. It's sort of overwhelming for me, as I feel like my T expects me to come in with great stories of these huge things I've been able to do, and it's not like that. I know she realizes it's going to take time for me to get this all down to where it's habit, or at least easier for me. I just feel like I need a month or so between each chapter to really work on the schema with a stronger sense of focus, rather than plowing through them all week after week. This past week was not so great, as I had my H's family in town and we spent a lot of time with them, so I didn't even get the chapter finished before my session. I didn't get any journaling done either. I thought my T would be put off by that, but she was really great about it and said, "That's okay. Everyone has a bad week once in a while." She had me read what I did manage to highlight about myself and we were talking about social stuff from jr. high and high school, and at one point she asked me a question about relationships with friends at that time and I started to cry. She asked me if I felt that same pain in my life right now and I said that I didn't until just then when she triggered me with her question. She said she was sorry, and I said, "Thanks a lot, T! It's all your fault!!". We laughed and things got a little lighter, although the tears kept coming for a bit. I don't often connect the old with the present, and I don't often connect to my past or present in an emotional way, especially when I'm reading about it in a book. It's the one-on-one conversations that help me with that, and I feel like I miss that, even though I know it's possible. I try to avoid it but realize more and more how important it is to connect to my emotional pain in the presence of my T so she can talk me through it and help me heal that pain. I'm working on that, and feel that I am finally starting to get somewhere in therapy.
I wish I could have had these weekly sessions from the start. I just had my 50th session yesterday, and I've been in therapy now for 23 months. It could have been double that number of sessions had it been weekly, and I wish I were so much further ahead. Life has become such a challenge these past two years. I feel so lethargic, so depressed, so stuck in life now and think I have some physical issues that are causing me to feel so crappy. I believe that all the confusion and pain of therapy and the gap in time between sessions has contributed to how poorly I feel. But I am hopeful that I can get somewhere if I can push myself to work at these schemas and really fight against them and how they keep me feeling stuck and beaten down. I wish I had taken my T's hand long ago and gone with her down this path she has been trying to coax me down for the past year and a half. I regret the lost time. But now I have to keep pressing forward and give it my best effort. I really am hopeful that I can make some concrete progress now. Happy day!!
MTF
