((Incognito))

Thanks for the update. It's so good to see you. I am glad you are moving closer towards T, and I understand the feelings of shame and loneliness in exploring painful events of the past that we come to terms with never going to be able to change. I feel for you, love, and hope you will be gentle with you. You deserve it.

Your post about the control on money reminded me of my own story. My mom started making me pay for my own things when I was around 13 or 14. I had to use my birthday/present money to buy deodorant, tampons, etc. If I wanted a razor to shave my legs, I had to buy it. When I reached college, I was basically told if I wanted it I had to pay for it. I financed the entire thing on a credit card.

Draggers, I can relate to your story too. I could have written what you said about making excuses and wanting to be normal like everyone else.

It really pains me that so many other people have gone through what I have. It's so sad that we suffered like we did. It's not fair. I am glad that I found you guys because it does make me feel less alone.

(((cogs!))) Thanks for updating. I'm so glad you are able to risk getting closer to T and sharing these hurts with him. It can be terrifying, but also so freeing to do so.

I also could relate to a lot of what you said about your upbringing. I had complex issues regarding money with my mom. I wasn't allowed to get a job (she wouldn't sign off on it), because she "needed" me to watch my younger siblings for her. She would pay me for two hours of work, but stay out six. Then I ended up using my money for stuff like food, school supplies, clothes, that she wouldn't pay for. She ended up giving me a credit card in early middle school, so I could just get all those things for myself, then interrogated me about the charges. I ended up resorting to stealing money out of her purse, telling her I was taking $2 (the max she'd give) when I actually took $5, in order to feed myself during school. She wouldn't let me apply for assisted lunches, because she was afraid some other welfare type fraud would be looked into. I'm still horrifically ashamed of stealing from her. When I'd get birthday money, she'd have me sign it over and deposit it in her account...maybe I'd get to spend it myself, maybe it just went to her bills. Anyway, my mom used money a lot to control, so I just wanted to say that I get what it's like to feel abnormal and freaked out. In my case, I became financially independent (from her) my senior year of high school when she kicked me out and always felt like an outcast in college. In my case, it wasn't that I couldn't have money, but it turned me into a puppet. Not something you can explain to others without a lot of shame, yeah. Anyway, sorry that was so long, but wanted to say I really understand, even if it's not exactly the same.

I'm sorry things still feel so hopeless. I'm often at a loss to explain my shame to T. It feels like, "It's just who I am," my essence. I think you are approaching an important part of the work, which is acknowledging that it can't be changed, that what happened to you was NOT OK and can never be made OK. To mourn both the way you were treated and the way you should have been treated and will never have at a time you can really take it in. It feels like an impossible task some time.

I think you are progressing amazingly, being able to tell T how you felt about missing his handshake (I have bailed on a number of sessions in a similar fashion by the way--it always feels sad after), rather than assuming his apathy. I'm sorry it doesn't feel like it makes a difference. I've found, over time, it at least gives me the strength to keep going. It gives me hope when I hear from other people who have made it to the other side.

((((COGS))))

So great to hear about what's been going on for you. It was great to hear that things are feeling a little better with your T. It's so hard when all those negative feelings, though, just won't go away. I struggle with that too and it's tough. Maybe someday? It sounds like you've made amazing progress!