Thanks deepfried oh, I so hope you are right and she calls soon... (no call yet)
I'm a mess. Even more I hope that I can pull myself back together w/o her.

what you said about releasing stuff sounds like what my eq T says...

which reminds me of what happened today. oh, I hope it was ok...

When I saw my eq T today, I was numb. I really had no clue about what I felt or thought. I was spacey too.

We talked. She told me to maybe try not fightong the numbness and just see what it might have for me. What it's purpose might be, what it might have to say to me. At first, I didn't quite understand... and she explained it more and it made more sense. (but for the life of me, I couldn't explain what she said now. argh, one of the side-effects of having fog-for-brains.)

I walked amoungst a herd, "just noticing" the numbness and them. As I noticed thier space... I began to notice my space. I also began to notice my hands. They were clenched tightly in my pockets of my jacket (it was a bit cold today). I loosened them up, and suddenly felt like I would cry. I walked on. I walked around and back to my T.

I told her of something really sweet that happened with one kid I worked with. I told her of the animals I saw in the country we were in. I told her I felt so numb, but yet I could feel my hands. She encouraged me to notice that... and I walked up and stood with Star...

I could barely even feel my own feet. But I could feel her winter fur. I watched her breathe... and then...

I stepped back.

My T looked at me. She said "I wonder what is going on for you right now." I think I looked tense. I don't know.

I told her I almost felt sad. Almost like crying. And I didn't like that. Because I also felt mostly numb and I had no idea what I felt sad about. And I had no idea what to do with that (or anything else in that moment).

My T said it was ok... and talked about trying to not judge...

She told me of a trip she went on camping and hiking through a beautiful canyon for a week. At the end, she got into her car and cried for hours. She said she didn't know why, but she did... and in the end, it was a really good thing. She said that sometimes, when we have intense experinces and go on amazing trips, at the end, we just have a lot inside that may not make a whole lot of sense right in the moment, and that's ok.

I was quiet. I mean I said "really?" but I didn't say much else in response to her story.

She then said... "I have to say, I'm feeling a bit shy about having said that."

So I asked "why?"

She shrugged. "Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe it was too much in this moment."

I was so numb...

but I did say, "well, I think it was good. It fits. No judgement... I am so judging of myself..." and my voice trailed off.

What I wish I would have said... "I think it's beautiful. I get it. I don't judge you for that, I actually think that is really neat and beutiful... so why do I judge myself for something a little bit the same?"

Then we ended not long after that...

So confused.

I was so numb.

I have no idea how I came across to her.

And I forgot to tell her something really important about my trip.

a mess. today was a mess.

next week, at my next appointment, I can try again... ugh... a whole week away...

I don't feel like I need to take care of her, and there wasn't anything about how she said anything that made me feel that way. and I think maybe my numb silence was so new of her to experience of me.

And here I am. Worried. I screwed up. Or she can't hack me. Or she cares too much. Or I screwed up. And now, she will give up and leave. (or so my thoughts go).

and that makes me feel so sick.

please... not yet... please... not now... please don't give up, don't run...

I hate me sometimes. ack! Me and my judging! I hate that. And I still hate me sometimes. Now, I just know I am judgemental about me too.

ugh.

and my primary (other) T still hasn't called and I really should be fine with this... but I'm not.

aw, Jane...I hate to see you beating yourself up so much over this. I'm sure your T understands, and that you haven't done anything that hurt her...or would make her in any want to give up on you or run. Of course you were numb. Of course you hardly knew what to say. You just got back from around the world. Hard to connect well after an expereince like you've had. It's ok, you're ok, it just feels weird right now. There's time...
I hope you hear back from your T soon, and will feel better. Let us know.

BB

Janedoe, i just read about this session of yours- it sound so so uncomfortable and awful feeling so numb and... diconneceted? It resonates with me alot! I am so sorry this session experience has scared you and left you feeling so down.. I dont think its weird though- the first session after a vacation IS hard. It does take time to connect fully again. Espescially for you- i would guess, since you just came from a long trip that obviously did make a big inpact on you, and a lots of impressions..what you saw and experienced there..going right back to T after that is a "re-adjustment" i think.. Janedoe, this will pass, you`ll get "back into it" again, and your T seemed to understand very well that you struggled that session, so there is no need to beat your self up for this. How are things now? Have you heard from other T yet?

Frog - thank you so much for your continued encouragement. Yeah, I hope so much my T and I are just re-adjusting and I didn't scare her or anything...

I just talked with my other T now. She called me just after I got a super triggering email from someone (not a T). It was good to talk with her... I am not numb anymore but struggling with grief and shame and another feeling, and I dunno what it is, but it is painful - so exquistely painful... and my T told me it was ok that I was super numbed out with the eq T too. I didn't say what happened... I dunno... I seem to be fearing everyone is mad at me...
So tired too.

I also deeply miss the children and people we worked with in the country I traveled to across the planet. I am so glad I can keep in touch with a few of the people on facebook and that they keep helping the kids there too.

I want to feel free here, like I was there. Which is ironic because there, they do not have as many "freedoms" as I have here in the US... but I miss the emotional freedom somehow I found there. I can remember it. My regular T says to hold on to that as a reminder that it is possible. here too. Oh, I am so scared that maybe it isn't and yet so desperate to find that if it is...