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...and then I found this great therapist...

quellquellMember
I wish I could say that, but not so far. I saw a new therapist today. It was in some respects very good, but in one major respect really crappy.

Basically I guess I came on too strong with the honesty and maybe the intenseness. I suppose I didn't have to offer her the pinata cartoon by way of explanation of where I am at.

This woman at least was honest with me in return, but she said that she was hesitant to work with me because of the entanglements with the two previous Ts that she feels are ongoing.

I did not expect that. So there near the end she asks, which I really liked, So how do you feel leaving here today? And I say After I leave here I'm going to be like What the Hell?! So she asks me why and what that means and so I say I'm going to wonder what I did wrong to practically get rejected by a therapist. So she says You didn't do anything WRONG...and I cut in, I know, just like it wasn't WRONG to ask OldT for what I asked for, I get that, but I have to evaluate how it turned out sucky even if I didn't do anything WRONG so that I don't do it again. Like the other therapist I am planning to see this week, I should make sure not to talk about the previous Ts and that baggage. So she says No, it's good to be honest,...and so on. We went back and forth a bit. I got to hear from her perspective why she felt hesitant to work with me. I really appreciate that I left understanding her perspective on it at least, and that I didn't have to guess. She shared with me how she was thinking, and that matters to me. So I left feeling mostly ok, and with an appointment card for next week, but it is still coming back to me that I almost got rejected by a therapist. And I have some lingering bad feelings about not being able to clear things up for her. I understand why she got the impressions that she did.

I know I'm not the first to be turned down by a T or almost turned down, but it was not what I expected.

It's hard sometimes because then you think you need to be more careful with yourself next time, but being more careful with myself is not so great for me, either. I think that being more careful is like being more vigilant and it is more inhibiting of growth. I am already vigilant enough in my relationships and it doesn't pay off very well in the end, being vigilant and alone.
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lucylucyMember
(((Quell)))I'm really glad you went into this session so open and honest. I think you would have done yourself a great disservice had you done otherwise. I know it was an unexpected and disappointing response from her at the end of the session.
Hopefully at your next session you can further clarify.
And please continue to be honest with other t's you plan on seeing - it's really important. You deserve to find the t that is going to work with you in your totality. You deserve to feel the relationship is working for you - not because your hiding important aspects.
I've been fired from therapists before because of my eating disorder being too severe. My parents would encourage me to and support me lying about it. and yuck - it felt so wrong and awful being deceptive and how much more flawed I was having to hide even more of myself.
Good luck at your other appointment this week. Please let us know how it goes.
jonesjonesMember
Hi Quell,

My current T (who's great) had the same concern when I approached her. She basically told me to go away and come back if/when I'd properly terminated with my previous T. I knew a lot about her though and knew I wanted to do it, so that wasn't too hard. But I did feel like, Hey what are you insinuating!

That process made it really good and clear, though - I got very clear in my mind what I wanted to say to the previous T to make a clean break, and when I went to the new T it was a real beginning. I almost feel like it was a little entry test she set to help me to clarify what I really wanted and to make sure I was serious/ready.
quellquellMember
I like all of your input.

I feel like I learned a lot already from that one meeting. I set up a meeting with another T for tomorrow, and when I spoke to her on the phone today, she asked if I had experience with therapy. I told her about oldT in really calm and clear terms and emphasized that we have talked about me seeing someone else and that he has told me that I am welcome back any time and that it is a clean break. And it is. That's just not the foot I led with with the other T. So I also told her what my goals were and that I could see that my goals would fit with almost any therapist, but that I was looking for aedp in particular because the more psychoanalytic style wasn't really meeting my needs anymore. That seemed to go off well.

Lucy, thank you for reminding me that the bottom line is that my honesty is really important to me. So I didn't present myself the best way with Trial T#1--that doesn't change the truth. Also, I think that another item that gave her pause was me mentioning my disordered eating issue in passing. I have a very mild issue with it, I think, and I forgot that sometimes therapists are reluctant to work with disordered eating issues. I am sorry you had to feel like you were lying. I really understand how that would not help you at all.
quellquellMember
SB--
Thanks for the reminder that I didn't do anything wrong. It made me smile because there is something so loaded about that phrase for me. To hear someone who doesn't really even know me much say it, I guess sounds nice.

I have confidence that both she and I will have had useful thoughts about the whole thing by next time. I think it will be interesting and good if/when I see her again.
quellquellMember
Jones, thank you so much for your thoughts, too. I have an appointment with new T tomorrow and I almost cancelled it yesterday. Now I feel the urgency to tell her what I am doing and end it with her, too. It may take more than one session. I am not sure. But your story was encouraging. You all are going to die when you hear how many therapy appointments I have this week. I am scheduled to see Old T, too. When I made the appointment it was to sort of just check in with him and somehow, I know, perversely, to be a comfort thing. Now I am glad to have the opportunity to let him know that I won't be coming back after the end of the three month break. I don't think I am really ready to do the termination sessions wrap up with him, so I hope that it is OK with him and with whatever new T I have that it is understood that we are done, but that I am just not ready to know how I want the closure to be and what I want to say. I hope that seems reasonable to them. I guess we'll see.

I am really glad your current T is great. It is such hard work.
quellquellMember
For more adventures from THERAPY WEEK 2014, tune in later.
So it is February vacation week for schools in my state, and I am a teacher, but I'm pretty sure I am the only one in my school who is basically spending vacation "in therapy."
I have five therapy appointments this week--three potential new Ts, one current T, and an oldT.
I know it's a bit much, but when I got the idea to leave current T and try aedp and some new people, I just scheduled as much as I could.

Tomorrow I am seeing a new T in the morning and then current T at my regular time.

Thank you all for reading and helping me think about things.
aboutaboutMember
Just adding that you did not know anything wrong, and that honesty is a good way to start a relationship and actually make it work. If she cannot work with this, it means she is not the "right" T for you.

My current T had concerns about whether she would be able to work with me or not, and for the first 5 sessions kept telling me that she was not too sure it was a great idea , we would see and otherwise she would refer me to someone else. Needless to say that I heard "you are such a monster I cannot work with you because you are too horrible" (as the issue was not T related) but... at the same time, I do think it is much better than if I had had to tell her later, once I was attached, and when her referring me to someone else would have been much more painful.

And... 'end' of the story: she finally decided it was doable and now regularly says that we are a 'good fit', so... It does not mean it cannot work. (Ok, I still think she sees me as a monster and can use it as evidence, but, let's be honest, I'd do that anyway!)
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Quell

Good luck in your search. When I was looking for a new T (after being abandoned by oldT) I remember that I saw 3 T's in three days. It was a bit dizzying but it was also good. Then the following week I saw my current T and another T an hour apart from each other. They didn't know. It was at that point I was able to decide with great certainty to stay with my T. The positives and negatives were very obvious seeing them all so close together and that was helpful. I was also very clear within myself what I was searching for in a T. I had my mental list and stuck to it. I have never regretted for a nanosecond choosing my T (despite some rocky times).

Know what you want/need ahead of time and go for it. I wish you the best. Let us know how it all goes.

TN

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