quote:

Is it possible that she makes these statements to not only control me but let me know that she's angry as well

Certainly sounds to me like there’s a fair bit of passive aggression in her statement. Like, she’s too afraid to openly rage and abuse and criticize, so she’s making oblique but obviously critical comments that if I were in your place I’d experience as quite hurtful. After all, if I were sitting there messing about with a cell phone and it’s obvious I like and use a cell phone a lot, and she comes out with such a damning comment about something I’m actually sitting with there in front of her – how else can one interpret it if not as in some way holding a certain amount of hostility – whether directed at you or just general hostility at the world might be a moot point.

Conversely, maybe it’s not anger but fear? Controlling people tend to be controlling out of fear, more so than from any other motive. Maybe she’s so insecure in her own sense of reality that she needs you to agree with her in order to make her feel ok about her own perceptions and thoughts? Maybe she’s completely oblivious of how her criticisms of something that matters to you makes you feel, and she’s just seizing on the existence of the cell phone as a springboard to getting her own feelings/perceptions validated. I say that because I’m very much like that, I’ll criticize something that isn’t even necessarily what I truly feel or believe, in order to have the FEELING of anger behind it validated by having the other agree with me that yes X is bad/wrong/the scourge of mankind... Because I’m so insecure about my own point of view and feelings that I can’t have then unless I think they are also shared and/or supported by someone somewhere out there in the real world.

I have to say that it’s great to hear you talk about standing up to your mother, taking the risk of alienating her in order to be able to develop your own sense of self and have your own reality. Good for you, that’s such progress, and it's great that she has backed off a lot as a result. And I don't think it's pathetic that you're only now learning to be able to stand up to her, and for yourself - I think you should be patting yourself on the back instead!

Way to go Liese

LL

Hi Liese,

I agree with Lamplighter that it sounds like there is a fair amount of passive aggression to your mother's comments. I would agree it sounds like there is hidden anger there but without knowing your mother it is hard to say if it is due to her not feeling validated. However, it does suggest a sense of insecurity on her part of some course.

I have been on the receiving end of comments of a smilar nature and know how hurtful they can be. Well done for standing your ground, that's certainly not an easy thing to do and I think this is a huge achievement no matter what age you are.

Butterfly

(((LL)))(((BUTTERFLY))))

Thank you both for your take on things. I know what passive aggressive behavior is. I can identify it when I am being passive aggressive - or at least after the fact. But it's gets a lot harder for me to identify it when someone is being passive aggressive towards me especially when it is what I've grown up with.

My T (God love him) bungled it yesterday when I brought it up to him and approached it from a CBT, challenge the thought process perspective.

While, yes, it's true that sometimes people just make random statements about things they like or don't like, I think I need to work on feeling and knowing when someone is angry - even if I've done nothing - and they are being passive aggressive about it. And, especially with my mother and how she has made statements like that over the years in order to control. I felt a little like he was minimizing what I was perceiving although I know that wasn't his intention.

It IS good to stand back when someone makes comments like that that don't feel right and take a look to see if our understanding of their intentions is transference or is it real.

I was so excited to have seen the interaction with my Mom from another angle. I'm not sure it's such a good idea for me to simply think that when people make passive aggressive statements, that they are making random comments without any intention to communicate some type of message. Probably better for me to know what I'm dealing with AND not to take it personally or read TOO much into it.

Just MY random thoughts. Haha. I suppose I have to bring it up to T again next week. I need his help in terms of reading reality, not in doubting my own perceptions. Does that make sense?

me me me me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpcUxwpOQ_A

Jones,

That was great! Really picked up my mood.