quote:

I found I want to TAKE what she had, consume it, have it be part of me.

Or her be a part of you Jones?

I see deep admiration for your friend, and the conflict that loss can cause. 'If you can be like her, she still exists, so there is no loss?' At the same time, you know she has gone, and understandably there is anger about that loss.

You are your own person Jones, and one that holds all your friends in your heart. She would have known that.

(((JONES)))

Could it be repressed feelings you felt all along that you never allowed yourself to feel before until now? IMO, feeling those feelings about friends are incredibly normal.

I am so sorry for your loss of your friend, Jones. Perhaps what you are experiencing now is a stage of incorporating the most precious parts of her into yourself in a new way, that will keep her "alive" in you, or at least with you? The jealousy you speak of sounds almost like it is on her behalf, rather than "against" her in any way. Can there be "righteous" jealousy??? I don't know, but at any rate, I like your way of "quietly watching these feelings to find out more" and that you are not judging yourself for them. You obviously loved her very much, so there is bound to be much grief, too.

Hugs to you,
Strummergirl

She and I work in the same field... during her illness I supported her in her work in ways that she couldn't return. I never thought twice about that during her life, it was just as it needed to be but now it hurts to be floundering in my own work while hers is beautifully completed and she's gone. So Liese, I think you're very much on the mark there. Thank you.

Muff, yes, wanting to NOT lose all the things she was, to keep them and have them alive. Somehow the anger feels so vital to this, burning the barrier. I'm not letting her take all that stuff to the other side!! It was never only *hers*.

Strummergirl! How lovely to see you. Yes, I think this is quite right. I like your question about righteous jealousy - I feel like - these feelings are new and unexpected and unfamiliar to me - I have to pay close attention to fully recognise them as they are and experience what they have to offer. And I trust that love was the foundation of the relationship even if it is appearing in ways that I don't recognise.

Thank you for the lovely hugs, Draggers. They say a great deal. Hugs for you too.

Hi Jones, Sincere condolences on the loss of your good friend. I have learned recently that grief takes many forms and even changes while you go through it and some of it makes no sense at all.

I think being mindful about the grief you experience and looking at it to see where it fits best will help in the end. I think it's something to understand but it can't be controlled and has it's own timetable. Having someone to listen is invaluable.

Thinking of you
TN