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5 replies

Anger and not being able to use words

beccabeccaMember
Hey all. Anger has been a running topic with me, I suppose. I am having a horrible time trying to deal with my intense anger. It affects my whole life, which btw has been sucking big time the last fours years and counting, so some anger is understandable, IMO. But it has such a hold on me and as I have mentioned in another thread, seems really old, not just from the past four years.

My T obviously has heard all about this. I am beginning to think maybe she has heard too much. I wasn't very nice to her yesterday and I get fearful she is tired of it. I don't mean to be that way, it just seems like I can't find the words to say what I mean. It is excruciating for me in session to be able to describe what the hell it is I am feeling. I want to be able to put this anger somewhere. I have told T that just trying to make it smaller isn't helping, it will just end up bursting at the seams. She is telling me in order to make it smaller I need to tell her what it is, what it feels like, blah blah blah. I scream at her I DONT KNOW. I honestly cannot bring words to this. I am in her room squirming and contorting and sighing but I can't f---ing talk. I feel like I am wasting my oh so few once a month sessions. Yesterday she asked me if I wanted to stop coming if this was so hard. What I want is for this anger to not rule my life and stopping therapy will not make that happen. She says we are inching forward on some progress. Really! Inching forward says to me that I will be in the f---ing nursing home before I resolve this. I hate my life so bad right now.

I guess my question is, how can it be that there are no words or better yet, why can't I speak them? This is so, so hard that it exhausts me. I have no answers and it seems like no road to take at all.
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MallardMallardMember
Becca, sometimes when there are no words using a different approach can sometimes free things up a bit. I can definitely relate to not being able to talk about something that had such a great hold on me. I'm sorry it's so difficult.

Rather than trying hard to think rationally about what it feels like to experience or where it comes from, could you try to work with your T to construct a picture of the anger? You could do it verbally, or if that feels difficult, then on paper.

If it had a colour, what would that be? What about shape? How big is it? Is it always the same size or does it get bigger and smaller. Where does it live? Does it have a texture? When is anger active? When is it strongest and when is it weakest? Someone I spoke to once, conceptualised an emotion they had experienced as an enormous pile of shattered glass.

Does that sound like something you could talk about or do you think you'd run into the same sort of problems?

If so, perhaps it's worth spending some time talking about the block - what does that feel like - trying to talk about anger and not being able to?

Once when I was really having a bloody hard time trying to find words for something, I began to realise the stuff I was dealing with was probably so very old it was preverbal. Is that something to consider; that your anger is so hard to talk about that it might be related to a time in your life where you did not have language in the same way you do now? Young kids don't have well developed language skills and babies have none.

I feel like I've skipped about touching on various options but I hope there's something useful in my splurge!
lucylucyMember
Words can be so elusive at times. Because if you speak them, you have to acknowledge them. And if you acknowledge them you feel them.

With one of my adopted children I've found that anger is an easy emotion for him to express. We became a family when he was 6 years old. It's usually masking another emotion that he's not comfortable experiencing or even sharing. He has explained to me that he doesn't like that he feels this anger - but he's scared to move beyond it, he feels stuck, and that makes him more angry.

I've no real advice - just wanted to share that you're not alone.
E ericaMember
((Becca)) I'm sorry it's sucking so bad right now. I think what Mallard said was really wise. When I'm feeling stuck and have no words, my T helps me do more body work. We work through visualizations and feelings. She asks me where I feel something, what it looks like, what it feels like, etc. Sometimes I don't even feel it inside me but outside me. Maybe that would be helpful to move you through being stuck trying to find words.

Another thing I was thinking of is parts work. The part of you that is very angry is unable to communicate. What parts of you are blocking it? Shame? Fear? Hurt? I wonder what that part or those parts fear will happen if you were able to make contact with your anger and express it. Are you afraid of not being able to contain it? It sounds like it is huge right now, it's a huge problem. Is part of you worried that your T won't be able to handle it or contain it? Can you work with that part of you in therapy instead of trying to force yourself to express the anger? Some part of you is blocking it...it may be helpful to shift the focus on that part and explore that part's fear, concern, etc. Does that make sense? My T uses this type of questioning with me when I'm stuck and I've found that sometimes it's very helpful to get me unstuck. I think concentrating on being stuck is just going to make it worse and make you feel more hopeless. But there are always other parts to explore that may help you unlock the expression of your anger.
beccabeccaMember
Thanks for the replies. They were all helpful.

Mallard, I like the idea of describing it with something more concrete than a feeling, which I definitely suck at. At times it's like there is a chain wrapped and wrapped around me. Knowing my T I think she would like this approach. I am definitely going to try it.

Lucy, I think I am exactly where your son is at with his anger. Yep, I get that guy. I am so sorry he is having trouble with it too. It is so hard. Good luck to your family.

Erica, I think my poor T was completely out of sorts yesterday with my behavior and while she doesn't do parts work she will at times ask me to describe it. I know intellectually my T can handle and contain my anger but I think I am so afraid on some level it will be handled like my parents handled it. My dad would just get more angry than me and louder. My mom would just get scared of me and withdraw. I know T would do neither of these but I treat her like she would. I asked her yesterday if I make people not want to deal with me and she nodded yes. It made me feel like crap. I am trying to force expressing my anger and that is not at all working. A lot of what you mentioned Erica makes sense to me. I know after yesterday's session I have to use a different approach. It was exhausting and I really got nowhere except for turning off my T. Not good. Thanks for help.
MallardMallardMember
Hi Becca, the technique is called externalisation or externalising the problem and if your T isn't so familiar then some of the writings of Michael White might be useful for both of you. And David Elston. I do know how crippling anger can be and seemed to spend much of my late 20s and very early 30s trapped by towering levels of anger and rage. It exhausting so I really feel for what you are going through.

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