I just wanted to write up some stuff from my session yesterday because I can feel things shifting for me on a physical level, and I'd like to be able to put it into words....

My T had been away for a week, which I didn't let myself dwell on too much, but I knew it was affecting me under the surface.

I should say I've been in therapy with this T for a few months and it has been slow and steady for me lately, still intense but less so than at first - we have not been going near any childhood stuff, I think we have been building up attunement and getting really comfortable with each other, and we have a plan to work on some old stuff through EMDR in the new year.

The lower intensity & lots of warning helped to make the separation not-too-consuming, but yesterday's session really affected me. Before she left, right near the end of the session, she had said some really provocative stuff, challenging my behaviour and its motivations in a very blunt way.

And this was almost the first thing she opened with too - and it made me really cross (I'd kind of been feeling this during the absence, but it felt weirdly ok) and we had some back and forth about it - I defended myself quite stridently - again this felt weirdly *good* - and then we moved on.

Later in the session I was talking quite tenuously about feeling angry with someone else who is absent in my life... she was really affirming, and told me that the anger was ok, that it was a way to keep the connection going.

Later I put two and two together. She gave me room to be angry with her and to release the energy of that anger, and that's what felt good. So often in my life I've felt stifled and frightened of the consequences if I did this - and yet I grew up around constant explosive anger and boiling resentment, so it is very present inside me. Such a deep longing to not be alone with it.

I don't know if it was her intention to let that release of the provocative exchange carry some of the charge of the separation, but it really did. I have the feeling the timing was intentional. And now I feel *really* looked after, like maybe she is taking care of me in ways that I don't always see and that I don't always have to. It's making me feel all tingly!

I know lots of us are dealing with separations at the moment because of holidays. It's rough, but it's really nice to find (surprisingly) that there can be good stuff in it too. Hang in there.