I am angry at Scott! How does a person deal with anger? How do you not hide from that person? How do you not want to get even? How do you overcome hurt feelings?
Samy
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Hi Samy,
I know for 14 year old it may seem very hard to do but you talk about it. I find that is always the best way to work through problems. The longer I just stay mad the more mad I get. Although sometimes we do have to wait for a calm moment and bring it up without accusing the other person of anything no matter how much they hurt us. Just tell him how hurt you feel. I am sure that your T has taught you to communicate your hurts and needs. Try to remember what she would say.
I also beleive that we have to want to work it out. But that is never easy either. I don’t want to pry into your personal territory, but whatever conflict is going on I am sure that all of you are experiencing your own difficulties with it. -I hope this helps some.
Just Me
I know for 14 year old it may seem very hard to do but you talk about it. I find that is always the best way to work through problems. The longer I just stay mad the more mad I get. Although sometimes we do have to wait for a calm moment and bring it up without accusing the other person of anything no matter how much they hurt us. Just tell him how hurt you feel. I am sure that your T has taught you to communicate your hurts and needs. Try to remember what she would say.
I also beleive that we have to want to work it out. But that is never easy either. I don’t want to pry into your personal territory, but whatever conflict is going on I am sure that all of you are experiencing your own difficulties with it. -I hope this helps some.
Just Me
I know. My T would say 'slow down' and stuff. But you see, Scott say sorry but it shouldn't have happened to start with for him to say sorry about see? I know him feels bad, and actually I hope him feels very very bad about it. Is that mean? I don't wanna be mean. I have a temper though.
Samy
Samy
I don’t know that wanting Scott to feel bad for what he said or did is mean. If he hurt your feelings he should feel bad for that. But if he said he was sorry and meant it, then he probably does feel bad.
Sometimes I get upset with people when they hurt my feelings too and I think it should have never happened in the first place either. But we all make mistakes sometimes. Your T is right when she says slow down because then we can feel what we need to feel and deal with things better. I know all about temper, sometimes I have one too and it is important to slow down when temper flares. I hope you will be able to make peace with Scott again soon. But it takes time. It kind of sounds like you want to forgive Scott, or am I wrong?
Sometimes I get upset with people when they hurt my feelings too and I think it should have never happened in the first place either. But we all make mistakes sometimes. Your T is right when she says slow down because then we can feel what we need to feel and deal with things better. I know all about temper, sometimes I have one too and it is important to slow down when temper flares. I hope you will be able to make peace with Scott again soon. But it takes time. It kind of sounds like you want to forgive Scott, or am I wrong?
Seems when i does wrong then I get sent to my room or put on dishes duty, but when adults do wrong them just can say 'I'm sorry' and all is forgiven. That makes no sense.
Samy
Samy
When you put it that way it does seem rather unfair doesn't it?
Sometimes though when adults make mistakes they do have more serious consequences to face that maybe they don't share with kids. But sometimes, maybe they are just unfair.
I'm glad you can talk about it.
JM
Sometimes though when adults make mistakes they do have more serious consequences to face that maybe they don't share with kids. But sometimes, maybe they are just unfair.
I'm glad you can talk about it.
JM
Samy,
That's one of the downsides of being a child, it can feel really unfair. But adults provide consequences to behavior for kids because if you don't learn when you're a kid, the consequences get bigger and more painful when you're an adult and often come from people who don't come close to caring about you or loving you the way a parent should. So as unfair as it can feel, which is really unfair, I believe that its done out of love for you.
AG
That's one of the downsides of being a child, it can feel really unfair. But adults provide consequences to behavior for kids because if you don't learn when you're a kid, the consequences get bigger and more painful when you're an adult and often come from people who don't come close to caring about you or loving you the way a parent should. So as unfair as it can feel, which is really unfair, I believe that its done out of love for you.
AG
shrinklady:
or anybody:
i just poured out my heart to my T 3 days ago. tears were involved and real feelings were exposed/admitted for the first time. i felt so good when it was over and thought i might be making real progress.
i have been seeing him for about 3 months, but there are only 2 slots per week i can get into due to scheduling conflicts of my own, so i only get to see him maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks( my next appointment is 8 weeks away--but it will be sooner because i am on the call list in case of cancellations).
i've never called him before. but yesterday i did. i had a quick message a needed to get to him-it might've taken 2 minutes. i asked the receptionist to have him call me at his earliest convenience. she asked if she could tell him what it's about. i said, no. she said ok, she'd give him the message to call. well, he never called. so now i'm so hurt. now the thing i called about isn't nearly as important as how i'm feeling now. I feel like he just reinforced all those horrible feelings i trusted him with 3 days ago---the ones where i feel worthless and unloved...i mean he just proved...i can't even PAY someone to show me i'm worth 5 minutes of their time. i feel like such a burden and i'm ashamed for calling now. should i just quit or find another therapist or what?
or anybody:
i just poured out my heart to my T 3 days ago. tears were involved and real feelings were exposed/admitted for the first time. i felt so good when it was over and thought i might be making real progress.
i have been seeing him for about 3 months, but there are only 2 slots per week i can get into due to scheduling conflicts of my own, so i only get to see him maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks( my next appointment is 8 weeks away--but it will be sooner because i am on the call list in case of cancellations).
i've never called him before. but yesterday i did. i had a quick message a needed to get to him-it might've taken 2 minutes. i asked the receptionist to have him call me at his earliest convenience. she asked if she could tell him what it's about. i said, no. she said ok, she'd give him the message to call. well, he never called. so now i'm so hurt. now the thing i called about isn't nearly as important as how i'm feeling now. I feel like he just reinforced all those horrible feelings i trusted him with 3 days ago---the ones where i feel worthless and unloved...i mean he just proved...i can't even PAY someone to show me i'm worth 5 minutes of their time. i feel like such a burden and i'm ashamed for calling now. should i just quit or find another therapist or what?
AJB,
I know how hard it feels to have poured out your feelings to your T the way that you did and then in some way feel that you made a mistake in trusting that deeply and now feeling betrayed, rejected, unimportant to them you wonder why you bothered at all.
Not so long ago I called my T and left her a message for her to call me back and some brief details on what it was. It was sort of late in the evening and she was at a conference that weekend and did not get my message until the next day. I was aware of her limitations because of her schedule and time zone difference and that she may not be able to call me back that day, but I still expected a call sometime that weekend. However, when she did get my message and its context she determined that my need had already past and didn’t call me that weekend, which left me feeling hurt, abandoned, disillusioned, and unimportant and swirling in an atmosphere of negative emotions. So I called her again Monday morning when I knew she was in the office and told her I was upset and she called me back within 20 minutes. I told her how I felt and that is when she explained to me her understanding of my message and was even unapologetic about it which pissed me off. My post that day included a statement like, “Damn it I’m tired of being let down by people who are most important in my life!” It wasn’t until next session that we worked it out and she admitted that she was not attuned to my feelings as she wishes she would have been and she reminded that she “will fail on occasion, but we will always be able to work it through and that she trusts that about our relationship.”
What I’m saying AJB is that it is good sometimes that even when we have a conflict with our T that we can now learn how to work through it. It teaches us that relationships will have difficulties but they do not have to fail all together. Working through personal difficulties with my T has been tantamount for me in working through some tremendous difficulties in relationships from my past. I trust that you will have opportunity to work through this disillusionment with your T too. While it shatters us inside it teaches us something very important about disappointment in relationship does not mean a lack of stability. Something we never learned from our parents. This doesn't reinforce all the horrible feelings that you trusted him with, it triggers them. As you expereince them in the raw of the present, you can work through them more effectively.
So call him again and tell him that you really need to talk to him. It is ok to speak up for your needs. Even though we pay an exuberant fee it does not mean that they are infallible. So call him.
I hope this helps.
JM
I know how hard it feels to have poured out your feelings to your T the way that you did and then in some way feel that you made a mistake in trusting that deeply and now feeling betrayed, rejected, unimportant to them you wonder why you bothered at all.
Not so long ago I called my T and left her a message for her to call me back and some brief details on what it was. It was sort of late in the evening and she was at a conference that weekend and did not get my message until the next day. I was aware of her limitations because of her schedule and time zone difference and that she may not be able to call me back that day, but I still expected a call sometime that weekend. However, when she did get my message and its context she determined that my need had already past and didn’t call me that weekend, which left me feeling hurt, abandoned, disillusioned, and unimportant and swirling in an atmosphere of negative emotions. So I called her again Monday morning when I knew she was in the office and told her I was upset and she called me back within 20 minutes. I told her how I felt and that is when she explained to me her understanding of my message and was even unapologetic about it which pissed me off. My post that day included a statement like, “Damn it I’m tired of being let down by people who are most important in my life!” It wasn’t until next session that we worked it out and she admitted that she was not attuned to my feelings as she wishes she would have been and she reminded that she “will fail on occasion, but we will always be able to work it through and that she trusts that about our relationship.”
What I’m saying AJB is that it is good sometimes that even when we have a conflict with our T that we can now learn how to work through it. It teaches us that relationships will have difficulties but they do not have to fail all together. Working through personal difficulties with my T has been tantamount for me in working through some tremendous difficulties in relationships from my past. I trust that you will have opportunity to work through this disillusionment with your T too. While it shatters us inside it teaches us something very important about disappointment in relationship does not mean a lack of stability. Something we never learned from our parents. This doesn't reinforce all the horrible feelings that you trusted him with, it triggers them. As you expereince them in the raw of the present, you can work through them more effectively.
So call him again and tell him that you really need to talk to him. It is ok to speak up for your needs. Even though we pay an exuberant fee it does not mean that they are infallible. So call him.
I hope this helps.
JM
AJB,
JM pretty much covered it, I just wanted to add something my T has told me a number of times. Disruption occurs in any relationship since they're made up of fallible human beings (yes, even our Ts are fallible human beings) so the goal is not to learn how to avoid ever being hurt or angry because that's impossible, but to hearn how to handle being hurt or angry and heal the rupture so that the relationship continues. Security is not found in a perfect relationship, security is found in a relationship on which you know you can rely even when things are going wrong. So JM is right this is an opportunity to learn something different.
We tend to automatically go straight (do not pass go, do not collect $200) to it being our fault or something wrong with us when something goes wrong. This is a typical defense when we're young. Our life literally depends on our caretakers so if something goes wrong we blame it on ourselves so that our caretakers remain perfect and safe although unfortunately that may not be the case. There are a LOT of reasons why you're T may not have gotten back to you yet, none of which have anything to do with you. So try and hold off deciding your the problem until you can get an explanation.
All that said, its sheer agony when they don't get back to you in a timely manner. It is usually so difficult to actually make the move to reach out that waiting, and waiting too long, can be excruiating. I don't want you to think that I think this is an easy place to be in. And you have nothing to be ashamed about for calling. You did a very courageous thing to do so.
AG
JM pretty much covered it, I just wanted to add something my T has told me a number of times. Disruption occurs in any relationship since they're made up of fallible human beings (yes, even our Ts are fallible human beings) so the goal is not to learn how to avoid ever being hurt or angry because that's impossible, but to hearn how to handle being hurt or angry and heal the rupture so that the relationship continues. Security is not found in a perfect relationship, security is found in a relationship on which you know you can rely even when things are going wrong. So JM is right this is an opportunity to learn something different.
We tend to automatically go straight (do not pass go, do not collect $200) to it being our fault or something wrong with us when something goes wrong. This is a typical defense when we're young. Our life literally depends on our caretakers so if something goes wrong we blame it on ourselves so that our caretakers remain perfect and safe although unfortunately that may not be the case. There are a LOT of reasons why you're T may not have gotten back to you yet, none of which have anything to do with you. So try and hold off deciding your the problem until you can get an explanation.
All that said, its sheer agony when they don't get back to you in a timely manner. It is usually so difficult to actually make the move to reach out that waiting, and waiting too long, can be excruiating. I don't want you to think that I think this is an easy place to be in. And you have nothing to be ashamed about for calling. You did a very courageous thing to do so.
AG
thanks for answering guys[gals). your words made sense(to my brain--not necessarily my heart). it's a relief to have you to talk to. i have my family, but they don't understand. i'm sure in 8 weeks so much else will have taken place this stuff won't seem so big anymore. especially with it being holidays(i suffered a huge loss 2 years ago the day before christmas, so it won't be easy. that's another reason i really needed him during this time, but now i.m really scared of him. but like you said, he is human, and as a medical person myself, i know stuff comes up...thanks again
AJB,
I'm sorry to hear about your loss during the holidays. We lost my very beloved mother-in-law who lived with us last January and are about to have our first holidays without her. Its going to be tough so I can understand why you feel like you really need your T right now.
AG
I'm sorry to hear about your loss during the holidays. We lost my very beloved mother-in-law who lived with us last January and are about to have our first holidays without her. Its going to be tough so I can understand why you feel like you really need your T right now.
AG