I am angry at H today.

I am angry about his condition, which invades me and has warped my sexuality.

I am angry that the pain from the incident of last year and the expense of where he lives makes him want to move away. And, I am angry that his company might get bought and there is a chance he could lose his job. I CAN'T LOSE my T, my pastor and the other people I am slowly opening myself up to and start over. If I have to start over, I feel I will just shut down and refuse to ever try again.

And I'm angry that when I told him about how scary it is to be opening up to these people when he keeps throwing out suggestions of finding a new church or a new job and moving away, he just looked uncomprehending of my pain and disgusted with my selfishness for wanting to stay when he is so clearly unhappy.

I feel angry that I have stayed through such a traumatic incident that tore me away from sisters who are like children to me and yet I'm still the one feeling selfish for not wanting to keep sacrificing.

And I'm angry at T, because he won't try to "keep me" here if I have to go.

I know most of this anger is ridiculous. I am being the child no one ever let me be. I'm sick of being a child who has to act like an adult. I've been that way almost my entire life. How am I ever going to actually grow up if I keep having to "act like an adult" rather than being allowed to be that vulnerable, needy child who is taken care of? I feel stupid and ashamed for facing a brokenness I don't think I can ever grow out of.