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9 replies

Angry at Therapist, do I call or not?

cnccncMember
HI Guys,

First I want to say what a great place this is, I have been reading posts for a few weeks, lurking in the shadows afraid to post, but tonight I need some help.

I have been working with my therapist for 4 years now, for a year full time, 2 years part time and now another year full time. We are doing psycho-dynamic therapy, he is fairly serious like me. For the past year we have been meeting once a week and I have never contacted him outside of session other then to deal with re-booking app'ts etc, he has never offered and I have never asked.

In the spring I stopped taking my anti depressants because I was going to try and have a baby as a single mom. Things quickly went to hell in a hand basket and the summer was more then a bit of a struggle. This fall things were a bit better (at least my doctor has stopped asking me about suicide) but I struggled with therapy almost quitting several times. I feel like therapy isn't working,i bring it up and then each time he reminds me of progress I have made even in the past few weeks and so I stay. I have been really struggling with him as a person, feeling like he doesn't understand me, is dismissive of my feelings and my life situation, how his answers are clipped, PC and avoids the question at times. I told him i need more from him, that if i have to be 100% honest in session so should he.

On to the issue. When I first started going to therapy I would walk in ask him how he was and he would say fine but not ask me how I was. It was weird, I got used to it. This summer we got into the habit of him also asking me how I was. I liked it, and I told him so. It stopped. This week, on Wednesday, I ask him how he was and he doesn't respond. I kind of give him a look and then he still doesn't say anything and I move on. At the time I excused it, because maybe I wasn't clear when i spoke and I didn't speak loudly, but now it has me totally pissed off. I mean what in the hell is going on? Is this some game to him? Is he F***king with me? My father played these games and I hated it, my therapist knows this too. Part of me wants to call him and tell him how much he has pissed me off, and another part wants me to wait and see what he does next week and then if he doesn't respond, then tell him how I really feel. I don't know what to do.

Calling him might be good for me, I think maybe I need to get pissed at him, but am I playing into his hand? What is he thinking, what is he trying to do? I hate to say it, but I don't want him to win. I have a feeling that calling him will make me feel good for about half a day and then I will worry that he is going to call me, and what I will say. (which the B#^%@!d probably won't!)

The other reason I am waffling about this is because I am often angry with him on the weekends and think I am going to get angry at him in session but then by the time I get to session I can't. I am little and powerless again, or confident and soothed by 2.5 days at work which for me is my great escape. By Wednesday things are better and roseier.

So if you are still reading this, and it makes sense, What do you think I should do? Call or not call? Wait and see? Tell him to f off?
Last edited {1}
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jonesjonesMember
Hey Catnipcook, welcome, great name.

I am in a rush and I'm not sure what you should do but I did want to say hi. I can only think that calling will at least tell you what happens if you call... and might give you the opportunity to connect with some of that energy that feels stuck when you're in session.

Sorry this isn't a fuller response, but the welcome is full-hearted.

J
frogfrogMember
Hi there Catnipcook, its so nice to have you here, welcome!

Hows things today? still angry?- i am asking because when i get those urges to call T, because i am mad, or sad, or whatever, the intensity tends to fade way after a day or so, and the need to call as well. My gut answer to your question is to maybe wait until your session again, and bring it up then. Even though, i totally get what you mean about the anger switching into a powerless and maybe numb feeling when finally entering the therapy-room..
This sounds really important- and it also sound like a really father-transeference thing being triggered here, hence to your father "making games" with you.. The only way to find out why your T respond like that- or not respond to your question- is really just to ask your T. To mee, it sounds like doing it in a session, after all is the best option. Thats a safe and known setting for you- phonecalls (IMP) are more rsiky, when you arent used to call T.

Let us know what you decide, and good luck!
ladygreyladygreyMember
I don't think you should call. I would wait until your next session, after you've had some time to cool off, and bring it up then. Tell him how you felt when you didn't get a response. If he's a therapist worth keeping, he will give you a response that makes you feel good. If you walk away from that session feeling worse, get a new therapist.

For what its worth, he sounds creepy and manipulative.
pippipippiMember
My P sometimes does things like that which makes me feel like he is playing games. I too get very angry at him an at the time wish I could just call him and yell at him an cuss him out so that he sees how much it bothers me. But I usually convince myself not to call and just try to do let him know in session but it never happens. Mine is because I cant stay mad at him. I have very strong erotic transference for him and just the hearing of his voice calms me down and seeing him completely takes all anger away. So it never happens. He has told me before that sometimes he does those things to me to provoke anger. He knows I need to deal with feelings and I have a very big fear of talking about any feelings and supposedly anger is the easiest one to provoke in someone. So he hopes to get me so angry that I will say or do something even if it is calling him and yelling at him or going into session and doing it. HE always tells me that he is a big boy and can handle any anger I throw at him and we will work through it.

I have decided the next time I get that angry at him and feel that way that I am going to call him and let him have it and let him know how I feel. I would wait until the next session if I knew I could do it in session but because I know it wont then I am going to call him.

So that is how I would make the decision. If you are for certain that you could in the session and tell him exactly how you feel even if it is yelling and cussing or crying because you are hurt by what he did then it is worth waiting and dealing with it in session. But if you know you wont be able to do that then call him and let him hear it all over the phone. And maybe you will move to where you can do it during session.

I did one time write down everything I was thinking and feeling right during the middle of the anger and then waited and took it to the next session with me. I read it word for word to him and that was one of the best sessions I had. I wasnt angry at the time I read it and it was hard to do cause looking and him and being so in love yet having to read the mean and angry words I have written just seemed so wrong. But I was honest and told him I didnt want to and again he told me he was a big boy and could handle it so I did it and then we calmly sat and talked about my feelings and what hurt me so much about what he did. It was an amazing session!
cnccncMember
HI all,

Thank you very much for your warm welcome and sound ideas and advice. In the end did not call him for a few reasons.

I am really activated right now, there are some major button pushing events that have me going and have for weeks. I didn't need to add more stress to my life. Also I am headed out of town on Thursday AM and will miss the session between xmas and NYE.

I am going to wait and see what he does on Wednesday, If he does it again I will say something.

Thanks for your help
Catnip
J jillMember
cnc, i have wednesday appts, too, and i know what you mean, you get into your week, and have less time to 'think', and your dependency (mine) overcomes your (my) anger, and i walk in all nice and all.

soooo...

my recommendation? write what you are feeling down, on the weekend, or whenever it is just pouring into you, and read it on wednesday. i do this, and say 'i am not feeling so much this way NOW, but this is often how i feel and never have the nerve to tell you, or it dissipates, or something'. it kindof softens the blow, and helps you get it out in a more objective way.

just an idea. but i am always so afraid to provoke anger, that i 'swallow' it, but it is still there, just lurking, and ALWAYS comes up at the most inopportune times!!


good luck! jill
cnccncMember
HI Guys,

I need to vent. Feel free to ignore this post if you wish...

So I didn't call him. Session is tomorrow and thinking about it is making me stressed. While, lots of things in life are making me stressed. I have eaten non-stop all day to try and deal with it....great coping mechanism i know....... I have taken over the team leader position for the past week and will be until the end of January... it has been trial by fire... Just assigning work this morning made me anxious, i know my investigators are swamped and i have been as well, I have taken on some cases which i was running around to get done today. I still have two hours of work to do on one case but it isn't happening before i leave for holidays in less then 36 hours, I guess i need to pack eh?

So in other words i have no other ideas about what to say other then this whole issue about how are you?....... If he responds to me then what?

He doesn't want to hear about the other shit in my life. This is why i need to make a list.

Does anyone else make lists for therapy? Does your therapist comment on them? What do they say about them?

Let hope i remember one of my dreams tonight so i have something to talk about.

Catnip
R redMember
hi,

it looks as if this incident was a few years ago, but I found the thread while googling "is my psychoanalyst messing with me." I am writing in because I am struggling with a similar question and it seems easier to see the answer and course of action for you. you're probably long gone, but in case anyone else is reading this I'm writing in and would be interested in others' input as well.

first off, take it or leave it, but you don't have to ask your therapist how he or she is. I know it feels weird not to, but the session is not about them, it's about you.

second off, it sounds as if your therapist is doing you a favor. I don't know all the terminology, but it seems that if this is one of your issues with your dad, that the therapist is making it come to a head in real time with in your treatment. this is an opportunity for you to try out a course of action you would have liked to have tried with your dad, albeit in a safe environment. I would say be grateful.

however, in my own situation, I am too close to it and I can't tell if my psychoanalyst is just being a dick or is trying to help. part of me feels as if he is behaving a certain way in order to get a reaction out of me so that we can discuss the incident real time, as a microcosm of my usual patterns. but part of me thinks he just has his own stuff going on and traces of the mania are surfacing in our sessions.

I can't tell! but I do know that I am going to bring it up next time because whatever the answer, it can only either help me in treatment or get to the bottom of it by calling him out on it.

I am sort of new to this but also I think psychoanalysis is about what happens between the patient and the doctor, vs. if you are working with a LCSW it's more about talk therapy.

if anyone has any thoughts on this please weigh in.
closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
i do sometimes think a T will mess with you, but hopefully in a way that will help you. i told my T a long time ago that i don't like the question "what would you like to talk about today?" and then guess what? that's how he would open sessions! i know it's my own junk and i should have said something every time he opened that way, but for some reason i just couldn't make myself do it. and now he has stopped with that question. i just wonder if i've missed out on a great opportunity to assert myself or something. i dunno. i hope it helps to know that there are others that have similar experiences. can you say what it is that your T is doing? i'd be interested.

by the way, welcome!! Smiler

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