I haven't posted about my sessions for a bit because I am in a weird place where I seem to be really struggling and I almost feel as if I'm going backwards (or regressing) in my therapy and most of all in my relationship with my T.

I think that some part of this issue relates to the fact that I'm bumping up against some very traumtic anniversaries. This Friday will be one year that oldT stood up near the end of our session and said to me "I guess it would be difficult for you to lose me"... OMG... that was such an understatement!! That was the beginning of the end for us and I had no idea what was to come in those following weeks. The horror and the trauma, the panic and fear and confusion. They seem as real to me as if they happened last week.

Each week after that will be an anniversary of something horrible that I experienced with oldT. The week after that announcement was my birthday and the day before that he went on and on that he was not asking me to leave but thought a new "trauma" T would be a good idea. I wrote him a letter and let him read it in session and it made him furious with me. My birthday was spent crying hysterically all day in profound pain and fear. He called and asked me to come in on that day because he was worried that I was not "safe". It just went downhill from there. Each week another horror to contend with until that horrible day he totally abdicated his responsibility to me and then sent me a termination email the next night.

I have this awful aprehension about my upcoming birthday. My birthday is so interwoven with my oldT. One year he made it the best birthday I ever had and the following year he made it the worst I ever had. I cannot bear to remember either of them.

I'm not sure I"m making any sense here. I guess I'm thinking that I'm pulling away from my T now because I'm sort of inundated with the old feelings of fear and panic from last year. There are so many triggers I'm dealing with... the summer is here again, I'm wearing the same clothing from those sessions, my son is attending a new camp but held on the same camp grounds as oldT's camp, my vacation is approaching again and last year it was the WORST NIGHTMARE of a vacation. I also had to endure my surgery with my T relationship in tatters. I cannot even seem to focus on therapy at all. I go in to see T and he is kind and insightful and he listens but I cannot reach anything inside me that is screaming to be said. I just lose my words. I have a hard time again with eye contact and worst of all... when I leave him I can't take him with me... in the sense of a connection. I was doing that for awhile in the late winter/early spring. I even survived his vacation with the feeling that he was still with me and it was okay. But now I leave and I feel so empty. Like I'm hollow inside. I was beginning to develop that mental respresentation of my T in my head. I was starting to "go there" to him when I needed comfort or calming but now I go there and no one is there. OldT is gone and new T is not there because I won't allow him to be there. It's me. I'm blocking this relationship and I cannot seem to stop myself.

And lately I can't even remember my sessions. I seem unable to journal them immediately or at least write some notes on them. I seem to be so activated that I'm having some amnesia about what we talked about during the session. I do remember last Monday saying some unkind things to my T because I was angry. I told him that I wake up every day missing my T and knowing that I lost him. And he said, sort of joking "hey what about me, where do I fit in, I'm still here" and I said "oh you are not my T you are my second T" I had stopped myself from saying "You are not my REAL T". How horrible is that? He has been nothing but kind and caring to me and I still think he is not my "real" T? He didn't comment on that or call me on it ... he let it go.

On Thursday I told him that I know he is aware that I'm pushing him away for some reason. He said that he realized that because of some things I said last week. He keeps reminding me that whatever I say or whatever happens how does he act? And I tell him... the same. He is always himself and the same. I know he is trying to allow me to trust him by behaving in a trustworthy manner. By being reliable and consistent. He cannot TELL me to trust him because... well oldT said that and we know how that ended. I got a bit scared on Thursday and asked him to please not give up on me and he said "ok". No discussion. That did not feel good to me and so I later sent him an email explaining that I am grappling with these anniversaries and I know I'm not doing well when I asked him to not givew up on me he barely acknowledged I asked that. He wrote back that anniversaries are very difficult and that it's only normal that we will have to struggle through them. Then he said he did not brush off my statement about not giving up on me but that he wanted to be clear that it is not and never will be an option. He said we will work on my being able to "take him" with me when I leave sessions. Hearing that made me feel a lot better because I was starting to believe that I was just moving too slow (we are together 10 months now and I still have not even come close to getting back to where I was when oldT abandoned me. I was so afraid my T was losing patience with me. It so hard lately because each time I start to feel warm feelings towards him or I feel something really strong and positive I just automatically shut it down or go numb or it just disappears. I cannot hold onto that feeling. It's so elusive. And it's making me scared and frustrated.

Lastly, a super nice thing he is doing for me is that even though he is working two abbreviated weeks during the month of July he is managing to keep me scheduled for two sessions in each of those weeks. Tell me I'm just crazy for not loving this guy. (The secret here is that I do but I just cannot admit it or face it... sussssshhhh)

A very sad and confused TN