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Anniversary..*NEW UPDATE**

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi...Just one year ago August 5th was my next to last session with my oldT, but I didn't know it at the time. It was also the night before my surgery. It was a terrible session and I sat in his parking lot for over an hour just crying, unable to go home and unable to calm myself knowing I had surgery in the morning.

I have been an anxious, sobbing mess for the past few days and I thought perhaps writing about some of this will relieve some of the unbearble stress and struggle with the memories.

That session one year ago started with my oldT emailing me the day before wanting to change the time of the session to earlier. I had a 4:45 appointment which meant I could skip lunch and leave early for it. But then he wanted to make it 3:30.... I said no not possible and so he agreed to 4pm. This made my boss very angry and we exhanged heated words that afternoon. I was already super stressed about the surgery and the session too because of how badly things had been between oldT and me over the previous 5 weeks. I had convinced myself that he needed to move my appt to earlier in the day because he had to leave early for some last minute personal reason. Well, imagine my horror when near the end of my session some crazy woman began banging on his door... evidently a new patient who didn't know you just don't bang on the Ts door!!

During that session I needed to focus on finding some calm and emotional regulation with regard to the surgery. I needed to talk about my fears and to have him reassure me. Instead, he decided to discuss his vacation and and to refused everything I asked of him to help me cope with the 3 week separation. He was so cold and detached it was very scary to me. He never asked me anything about the surgery or hospital. He had NO interest in what I was facing. He was so clueless. I was hurt because he never asked the time of my surgery, and he never asked me to call him when it was over. He never wished me well. I don't know why (because I was so dissociative at the end of the session from the woman banging) he hugged me before I walked out. I don't know why he did that but it was the last hug he ever gave me. I still remember the blue dress I wore that day.

As so I went into surgery carrying the hurt and sadness of his cold treatment of me the night before. Where I needed nurturing and understanding was met with cold detachment and was treated as if I were repulsive.

Next Friday marks a year of the day he called the police on me and next Saturday is a year that I received his termination email.

This Monday, my T and I were supposed to have a meeting with oldT but he cancelled because he said he had to go out of town that day (not sure I believe this). He did not offer a new meeting date but my T will offer the 15th and if he does not show we will proceed with formal complaints.

I had a session this past Thursday and I was a complete mess. I sat there with my sunglasses on, clutching my blanket and refused to look at my T. I was also angry at him for some reasons which we have since worked out. But I was such a crying mess that I put the blanket over my head. T told me to take it off (after a few minutes) and I refused. Then he asked me how it would feel if he sat there with sunglasses and a blanket over his head while I tried to talk to him... and the picture in my head made me laugh. I stuck a hand out for a tissue and my glasses were all foggy so I took them off. He kept calmly talking to me until I came out to talk to him.

We ended up having a pretty good and honest session. He sat closer to me and told me he was glad I came out to talk to him. He pointed out that my candle was on... I had set the timer last week... and that he liked seeing it on as it made him think of me and he liked thinking of me and that's why he didn't shut it off. He told me that I was important to him. I accused him of looking at me like I was an experiment number 247 and that I didn't really matter to him. He said a lot of stuff to refute that. I have to admit he makes a lot of sense LOL. Darn guy.

Once I calmed down we talked about the meeting with old T and how we should handle it, what kind of agenda to set etc. By the time I left it was good. He chided me for not shaking his hand when he came in (I was huddled under the blanket by then) and we did shake hands and he told me to call if I need him.

When I got back to work I had to have my performance review again. It was awful, almost worse than last time and my bosses lied about so many things. It made me feel like I was not getting better and all the improvements I noted were not really true. Like nothing was real and I imagined that I was getting better. My bosses do not give the review themselves, its the office manager and so I do not get to confront them to their face. The office manager always believes them and it becomes a he said/she said situation that I will lose because I am no one.

By the time this was done I was back in my office hysterically crying again. It seems that no matter how hard I try it does not mean anything. I was having some really bad thoughts at that moment. I paged my T because I was feeling so scared but he was with clients and he could not call me until 8 that night which was my dinner time with famnily so I could not answser the phone.

I didn't speak to him until this morning but he was wonderfully soothing to me. Just hearing him use my name makes it all seem better. He told me he was proud of me yesterday and I said " you are proud that I sat there under and blanket with sunglasses on and cried?" He said well we had a rough start but I was proud that you didn't stay there under the blanket... you came out to talk to me. He reassured me that we were absolutely good and solid. And that I was getting better and improving but that my bosses did not want to see that. That my improvement was really real.He told me to hold onto that until we meet on Monday. And so I am. I'm holding on really tight right now.

This week feels really scary to me so I thought if I could write about it maybe it would help me to deal with it. Maybe it will lose some of it's impact. In any case, I'm really glad I have my T and that we are absolutely good and that he is there to help me through this scary time.

TN
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yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((TN))) I am so glad you have this man by your side as you walk through all this grief. Every time I hear about your OldT, I just cannot believe how he treated you, how he is still treating you. Your true T is what you have always deserved, someone safe and steady. Someone who will stay and work through the ruptures that occur until you learn from experience what it is to trust someone who deserves that gift. And from someone who has been wounded repeatedly in such a way, risking to trust another human being truly is a beautiful gift. Thank you for sharing. I hope by this time next year, you will have so many more good memories of how you have worked through this pain with your T by your side.
L lieseMember
(((((TN)))))

I too think you are very strong and as difficult as it has been this last year, you've come amazingly far.

I am sorry about the bad review at work and how triggering and discouraging all of that must have been for you. I see a day when you can leave that job behind and start being the therapist you dream of being.

xoxoxo

Liese

And can I say again, thank God for new T?
ladygreyladygreyMember
((((TN)))))

I remember when I first joined this site last year when I got back into therapy after may years, it was just a few months after the big term with oldT. I spent some time browsing through the board reading old posts by different people. I recall when I came across your story I was absolutely horrified. So horrified that it made me think twice about getting back into therapy.

But then I started reading more of your posts that were more current....posted in November and December and I saw that even though you were still reeling from the abusive treatment from oldT, you were also starting to heal. As time went on, instead of feeling shock and horror when I read your posts, I felt hopeful and optimistic about the level of care one can receive when they find a T such as NewT. What you have found in him is so beautiful and positive and loving. Its been an honor to be able to witness this relationship blossom, to witness you establish trust with him, and to witness his patience, nurturing, compassion for what you went through, and his steadiness. Somehow in the dark storm that OldT sent you out into, you managed to find the Lighthouse.

I know its still hard to think about what oldT did to you, but he will always be stuck with himself....he cannot escape....but you did! And you are in a better brighter place.


((((TN))))
lamplighterlamplighterMember
(((((( TN )))))))

You’re having to deal with a whole run of painful anniversaries at the moment, and I’m so sorry that you’re being put in such a bad place because of them, because of OldT. Even one year on the pain and bewilderment seems so fresh and I can’t help but feeling really angry at OldT for doing this to you. Like others have said here, in another year’s time things will be a lot different, but I should think that the pain you’ve gone through and are still going through will remain for a long time Frowner

I’m also REALLY sorry that you seemed to have succeeded in arranging a meeting with OldT and he cried off. Self centred coward! I do hope so much that you can have the rescheduled meeting, and I’m glad you are prepared to go ahead with a formal complaint if he does a no-show again – you need some sort of closure on all of this and while it would be so much better if you could talk things through with him face to face, if he’s going to continue messing you around then at least there is still something you can do about it.

New T sounds so wonderful – I’m so glad you have him on your side, not just while you’re trying to deal with the aftermath of OldT’s vile treatment of you, but that he really is the right T for you generally. I’m very glad you came out of that session feeling calmer and could connect again with him.

Not so glad about what happened at work. Isn’t it some kind of negative universal law in operation here, that the moment something goes wrong in one area EVERYTHING seems to go wrong everywhere else. I remember you had problems with your boss and work while you were trying to deal with the fall out from Old T last year, maybe they have special antennae or something that can pick up when you’re feeling vulnerable and hone in on it Confused

I’m glad though that you have reached out here, and hope you’ll do so for as long and as often as you feel up to it, especially with even more really painful anniversaries coming up.

Thinking of you a lot TN, lots of hugs to you

LL
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
Somehow in the dark storm that OldT sent you out into, you managed to find the Lighthouse.


OMG...LG that is exactly how I feel! Did you know that a few weeks ago when I was on vacation I bought him a small crystal lighthouse in a satin box and on the lid was this saying:

Light my Way-
This beacon sees you through the storm
And guides your path to light;
As long as you are in its beam
Your future will be bright.

I plan to give it to him on our one year anniversary. That was the day I found my light.

Thank you for saying that reading my story made you feel hopeful and optimistic. I really wanted to share that aspect of what happened to me and to let people know that there ARE good and ethical Ts out there and that a person can begin to heal when they are in good and competent hands. I felt I needed to balance the absolute horror of what happened to me with hope. I did understand that my story was extremely triggering to many because it could happen to them and to anyone really. I thought I had a good relationship with oldT and I WAS healing and doing what I was supposed to. It made everyone feel that their T relationship was precarious and I knew it spurred conversation with Ts about termination (and maybe that was a good thing in a way).

I'm not saying any of this was easy. I am healing but I will always have the scars of what he did to me and that has changed me forever. It is now part of who I am, it's my history. I am hopeful though that one day I can again feel joy and freedom and peace. My T acknowledges that the scars will always be with me but he also believes I will be able to find peace and joy in life again and so I will believe in him for now because it's hard to believe in myself that this is possible. And, yes, he is wonderful, caring and loving. I am blessed to have found the Lighthouse.

Thanks for your words.
TN
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Yaku...thank you for your kind words. My T tells me that he is honored that I would allow this relationship with him to grow and develop despite what oldT did to me. He is a gem.

Hi Monte... I hope you are starting to feel better and that you can leave the bed for a visit with your wonderful T. I know you miss him. Thanks for saying I have guts and determination. I can certainly be stubborn! I think it is what enabled me to survive so many things. Thank you for the blessing.... it means a lot to me.

Liese...you can always say thank God for newT. I say it often myself LOL. And Yes.... I cannot wait to leave this thankless job and work in the mental health field where I know I will feel so much more fulfilled.

Draggers... sweetie... thank you so much for always coming to support me. I hope you are doing okay these days. Thank you for believing that I will come out the other side and be okay. I love what you said about me being able to come out from behind the blanket on my own but that my T was there believing in me that I could come out from behind the blanket on my own and that he was there waiting for me with such caring and kindness. He told me I was acting out a bit but that he didn't mind and he understood. What was important is that I didn't stay that way all session because I trusted him enough to allow him to see me again.

LL... thank you for your words. Yes I am also hopeful that once I experience being able to get past this one year anniversary of all the horrible things then the next ones will be easier and lighter because I will have experienced the support of my T and know that he will always be there for me. Truly be there.

As for work, I am planning to write a rebuttal to my review stating all the new, positive and helpful things I have initated to improve my work that were NOT acknowledged in the report my bosses gave to the Manager. I also have a ton of documented "dirt" on my boss that I am keeping quiet about for now. I could easily bring suit against him and my company for all kinds of workplace abuse.

I just want to acknowedge here that although my wonderful current T has been instrumental in my recovery.... all of you, my friends on this Board have been here for the past year supporting me in many ways. Your kindness and understanding and helpful ideas and encourgement have meant so much to me as I walked through fire and hell to get where I am today. I just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart and wanted you all to know how important you are to me.

Many hugs
TN
starfishstarfishMember
TN,

Sorry I am late to this....I am sorry too that this anniversary hurts so much, dates are always so poignant. And I read what you wrote and can see amidst the hurt that you have moved on so much and can look objectively at how harsh oldT was. I know though that there is a big difference between the head knowing something and the haert feeling it (((TN)))

So I am so glad that you can be so open and honest with him

quote:
He told me I was acting out a bit but that he didn't mind and he understood.

Good, TN, that's so important and shows that he cares about you and understands your feelings and more imortantly why you might be feeling them. I am so glad that you have this amazing T now that has helped you restore your confidence in therapy. You are making amazing strides, I just hope you can see that in amongst your hurts.

quote:
I had to have my performance review again. It was awful, almost worse than last time and my bosses lied about so many things. It made me feel like I was not getting better and all the improvements I noted were not really true. Like nothing was real and I imagined that I was getting better.


I am so sorry that has been your experince. You do not need any knocks to your confidence, especially from things that are untrue and unjust. Keep you head high TN, you know what is right and true.

Take care, remember how far you've come in this last year.

starfishy
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Thanks Starfishy it was good to hear from you. I am lucky that my T understands so much about what I am dealing with. It really helps.

I am struggling with bad anxiety today. I was able to make myself go out to run an errand but then I came home and even though I have a ton of cleaning and paperwork to do I cannot make myself do anything and I just sit here and feel overwhelmed.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow and feel this heavy dread. I am also having weird body feelings that then contribute to the anxiety. I just feel so tired even though I slept late today and have no energy for my family. I just want to be alone and be invisible. I am still shaky from Thursday and on Friday when I went to the dentist they took my blood pressure (new thing they now do) and it was high. I had been to my doctor 3 weeks ago and it was normal, so I have to think that the stress and anxeity of the past few days has pushed my pressure up. Of course this now worries me too (which is not helping to lower the pressure).

I will see my T tomorrow and I hope that helps but honestly, I not sure I won't be hiding under the blanket again crying for most of the session. I just feel like I'm in a dark place right now and don't see the way out of this. Everytime I try to pick myself up I get run over again by either work or oldT or both. It makes me just want to give up.

TN
L lieseMember
(((((TN))))))

It must feel awful having to go back to work after the review. Frowner It will be hard to go in tomorrow, I am sure. No wonder you have such anxiety today. I am so glad you do see T tomorrow. Oftentimes my T is the only thing that brightens my week and I know you feel the same way.

Once you get tomorrow overwith, hopefully it won't be as hard going in to the office. Maybe not though, but all the more reason to finish that degree and do what you love, huh?

Let us know tomorrow how things go at work.

xoxox

Liese
kashleykashleyMember
Sorry I'm just getting to this, TN. I just want to echo what everyone else has said. You have come so far since last year that it's just amazing, especially given how awful oldT was. But I know that doesn't mean that any of this is easy. Frowner I'm thinking of you and hoping your rebuttal goes over well...what a hard situation and definitely not something you deserve.

I also really hope that seeing your T tomorrow will help, even just a little bit. Even just having someone to be there while you're in pain is better than facing it alone. I hope tomorrow goes well...keep us updated on how you are.

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Thanks so much, Liese, Kashley and STRM. I have just finished writing an Addendum to my performance review that I will print out and sign tomorrow and request that it be attached to the review.

I have worked for this company for 18 years. I have won their Award of Excellence and have a folder of client notes and letters complimenting me and thanking me. Yes, I was not my usual perfectly efficient self last summer/fall and I tried to explain this to my Manager and Supervisor without getting too deeply into my personal history. You would think after 17 years of hard work and service that they could give me a bit of time and support to get back on my feet. I did seek help and I have worked hard to get back to "normal".

That is what makes PTSD so hard... if I had been in a car accident or had a death in my family they would perhaps have been more understanding. As it is, they didn't even care that I was hospitalized twice last summer and was pretty sick. I know that there is a special place in hell for my two bosses and my Manager.

Thanks for the kind words and support.
TN
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Just an UPDATE

I had a session yesterday which was pretty good. I was in total adult, intellectual mode with T. I guess this is in reaction to me being a puddle under a blanket last session. I went in like a woman on a mission. I needed to talk more about my bad performance review at work and the Addendum to the review that I wrote, refuting a lot of what was said. So we discussed that for awhile and we also discussed school, careers and maybe applying for some grants to help me with costs. We discussed why I react as I do to my boss and my T told me flat out that in order to truly heal I need to get away from my abusive boss as what I'm trying to learn is to avoid being abused and so... that makes sense. He also said that the work I've been doing over the past 3 years, even with oldT... has changed me in some ways and made my boss react to me. It's hard to explain but as I became more assertive and less open to his abusive ways he got more and more angry with me. My T emphasized that I am not in a healthy situation.

Then we spoke about the meeting with oldT and that he would go ahead and send oldT the new Agenda we did and schedule the meeting for this coming Monday 8/15. We agreed to make it a double session so I could have time to process this meeting with my T after oldT leaves us.

Well....this morning my T sends me an email saying he cannot do 8/15 and what about the following Monday!! This made me so ANGRY Mad Mad I'm tired of being put of and disappointed and struggling and fighting for this and for what I need to heal and get closure. It's like NEITHER of them want me to have this meeting! So now I'm angry at my T. I sent him off an angry email telling him that I give up. I'm tired. That maybe I should just give up and leave and go away because I don't deserve to ever have peace, or closure or healing. I have gotten used to being only half alive, maybe I should be thankful for this much and quit trying for more. What happened to me...happened and why should I deserve otherwise.

I sent that email at 9:30 this morning. I have not heard anything back from him. I'm sure he is furious with me and does not want to talk to me or email me back. I guess I have to live with screwing up our relationship too, like I do with all other relationships. I know he's at the office today. I asked him if he could do another other day this week or next week. So there was a question in the email... not just me ranting in anger.

The really bad part of this is that oldT goes on vacation (or he has for the past 3 years) for 3 weeks from mid-August until early September and so if we don't do something in the next few days... I'm looking at a September meeting. And honestly, with this anniversary this week looming and how I'm feeling now... I don't know how I am going to make it until then.

I just cannot keep doing this. The pain just never ends.

TN
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
I just want to add that because I am trying to fight for my mental health and trying to fight to hold onto my job, I'm being a woefully inadequate mother. I am supposed to be also fighting for my son to get into an appropriate class in school and I have been asked to call for an appointment to meet with the Principal and his guidance counselor (a former T who is well acquainted with my oldT and in fact the person who recommended him to me) and I just cannot find the strength to do it.

Seeing the guidance counselor is super triggering and this is just a horrible month and I cannot face down the Principal because I'm in such a state now that any confrontation sends me directly into dissociating.

Right now I feel like I want to resort to very bad coping skills. And I want to disappear. I want to just go away. My poor son is stuck with me as his mother....someone not even present for the past year when he lost his own T and needed me.

I'm a mess

TN
I incognitoMember
(((TN)))

I'm sorry that your T can't do the appointment as he planned. That would be enough to make anyone feel like a mess especially with the anniversaries upon you and the job issues you are dealing with and that he knows all about.

I'm sure your T didn't want to put it off but I'm angry for you too because if he only booked it yesterday you would think he would have known his schedule for next week. I am in my own personal hole of I can't keep doing this so I can relate to that feeling.

I hope T gets back to you soon and I'm sure he is not angry with you. I'm also sure that you are not a mess all the time. I know you aren't when you are on the board and so I know you aren't when you are with your son (I think all kids have messy parents some of the times). You are an inspiration to me with your determination to heal and your encouragement to me. I hope you can take a break and regroup for the things that are facing you soon.

Love and hugs
L lieseMember
((((TN))))

You are not a bad mother. You are a very loving and thoughtful mother. Okay, so your PTSD is interfering right now with something that you need to do for your son. But that doesn't mean you're a bad mother. It just means you have a limit, like every other mother.

I can totally sympathize with not being able to handle the meeting with the prinical and guidance counselor. Is there any way you could ask them to do it by email? Tell them that you are on the verge of getting fired and can't possibly take any time off for the meeting but that you care greatly about your son's placement? There is no reason that meeting needs to take place in person. Don't beat yourself up for that one. Especially after all the stuff that's going on for you with the meeting with Oldt and the anniversaries and the connection with the guidance counselor.

Make it easy for you. You can still accomplish the same thing for your son.

Hope New T responded by now and you are a little better than you were before.

xoxoxoxo

Liese
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Thanks to all of you for your support and encouraging words.

It's just getting darker where I am right now. I have not heard back from my T. I emailed him at 9:30 this morning. I can't believe he did not have one minute to respond to me. He has abandoned me too like oldT. This is the week oldT abandoned me and my T is doing the same thing. The first sign that I'm not the good girl perfect and ideal client and he bails on me. I knew this would happen. I knew it. He proved me right.

He knows how much pain I'm in this week and he cancels the meeting and then ignores my email. Seems pretty clear to me.... I'm too much bother and I demand too much and I'm tooooo needy and he is so popular he could find any number of easier clients. Someone who does not have this therapy wound to contend with above and beyond all the other stuff people go to therapy for.

I can't believe he did this to me. He left me so alone with all of this on my head.

I haven't called the school. We need to meet in person because I complained to the district superintendent that the Principal placed my son in the wrong class and when I wanted to discuss it with her she was rude and dismissive and unreasonable. So they want this face to face now. Meeting needs to be within the next week. School starts in two weeks here.

I told my T in the first email last night how I'm in so much pain over this anniversary. How the grief feels new again and how I long to have a grave to place some flowers on... a place to mourn what died that day. I never had this. I am going to buy some flowers and leave them near oldT's office. Near the spot I was when the police came and began to interogate me. The place where I died. The moment I realized he called the police on me, that was when I died. My insides crumbled into pieces that not even my T has been truly able to resurrect again. Once something is broken it can never be like it was, even if you use superglue to put it together again. It will always be damaged and different.

I just don't know why he chose this week to abandon me. It just really really hurts.

TN
ladygreyladygreyMember
I just want to add that although I know it feels AWFUL when your T doesn't get back to you and cannot seem to find even one minute to do so (believe me, I've been there and experienced that today as well)....I also want to say that your newT has been sooooo steady and good for you and even though he failed today, I believe there has to be some explanation for it. I do not think he is abandoning you, even though it feels that way right now. I don't think he is giving up on you or punishing you. I know it isn't easy to quiet those thoughts when you've experienced such horrific abandonment in your past, but please try to stay calm and hold on to the positive feelings for T. I don't think he's abandoning you.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Thank you DF and LG. Really.

I'm trying not to panic but it feel so real and so familiar. Is this happening again to me? Did I do something so terrible that he is going to leave me too?

What's really scaring me is that he didn't answer my email. He always answers them.

Will I ever feel secure or safe with anyone again? I'm not sure what is going on anymore. I just keep wondering why he didn't tell me yesterday he could not do the meeting on Monday and why did he let me believe it was okay with him. and why did he have to tell me this via email this morning when he knew last night I was struggling with all the memories this week is bringing to me.

I'm so tired I don't have any strength left to believe. I can't remember why I should feel safe. I just feel really scared.

TN
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
TN,
You didn't do anything wrong or say anything that's damaged your relationship with your T. There's an explanation for what happened (even if it's just normal human failure) that has nothing to do with being angry or fed up. Please trust me as I am absolutely certain of this. Of course you are feeling deep fears of abandonment as this anniversary approaches; it would be impossible not to. But it's not happening again despite what your feelings are telling you is true.

(((((TN))))))

AG
yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((TN))) I am so sorry. I know it's hard to keep trusting, but I really don't think, after everything your T has said and done that is his intention to abandon you or that he is mad at you for being human. I would probably feel the same exact way you do, though, so I can understand how hard it is to believe. Please...could you imagine for a moment that your T actually is the guy you felt like he was a few days ago. What would he want you to do if you were hurting this badly and really desperately needed reassurance that the relationship is OK and to have your feelings heard? I think he would want you to make sure that he got your message. There could be a number of special circumstances that prevented him getting it...or he could just be human and forgot to reply or had some sort of computer or phone glitch he didn't notice or just didn't perceive what you are needing. But, even if it's the last case and he was just way misattuned, it's not something that can't be gotten over...because I don't think he would ever intend to hurt you or manipulatively push you away through neglect. He reminds me so much of my T (though I little more put together in terms of boundaries and administrative stuff). T is not OldT. He's not your parents. He doesn't wish you pain. And if he accidentally caused you pain, he wants to know! I'm sure he'll understand about your anger over the date change and why you would feel like there is a conspiracy to deny you closure. Past treatment by others has given you good reasons to suspect such things, to not trust. And I'm sure he'll appreciate how hard it is for you to trust him enough to reach out and be honest with that anger, that it won't make him turn away from you in horror over your human-ness.

I don't know if this helps, but I can give you a couple of scenarios from my own T, where I was very badly projecting some secret reason for lack of contact or seeming nonresponse to my emails. First, T seemed for a while to just not be reading my journals when he claimed to be reading them all. He had gaps in information. We finally realized after I referenced a specific entry that he had no recollection of that starting a couple of months ago, some of my emails were randomly landing in his SPAM box. They hadn't done that before and we have no idea why they were doing it now and why only some of them, especially since I was in his address book. I now have to "SPAM alert" him when I send emails, just in case. Another issue we've had is lack of response to important questions. Sometimes it will take me hours or days to ask again, because my projections about how angry or sick of me he is. When I do, inevitably I receive an apology and an explanation about him not noticing his text did not send or whatever other reason. He will also forward me the original text to prove he tried to send a response. Anyway, I'm not saying either of these is the issue, but just that it's not impossible that something went wrong and he doesn't know it and he would really want to know how important it is that you hear from him right now, especially with you being so vulnerable!

All of that said, I would be so angry and hurt right now too in your position. I know it is easy to say, "Your T is trustworthy!" from the outside, because in the end, it's your little one who is suffering this sense of rejection, not mine. I hope you are able to reach out to your T again, and if you can't, I hope he figures out that he needs to reach out to you and remind you that he is safe...that he is staying and is not going anywhere.

Also, I know the pain of trying to keep all those balls in the air, job, mom, your own healing process...I know it feels easier to just drop what you are doing for yourself and pour everything into your kids, but the reality is that taking care of yourself like you are is something you are doing for your son. I try to remind myself that when I feel like I am failing Boo.

I'm glad you are standing up to your boss. My T has said similar things to me about my H's and family's reactions when I have restructured my boundaries and decided to treat myself as if I am at least a human being deserving of a bit of respect at bare minimum. It's not easy and I am so proud of you for not letting him bully you with your review.

I'm sorry if this is a bit disjointed. We did a five hour drive today and I'm wiped, but I have been thinking of you and hope you are doing better. (((TN)))
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
I asked him if he could do the meeting any other day THIS week. And then I said that I knew this was not his fault and he was being generous to me and that I was really trying to be strong but I was tired and I just wanted to give up an walk away from everything. That I got used to being half alive and maybe this is all I deserve and that oldT wins because I just give up. I'm tired of fighting and have nothing left.

I just have so much going on right now that one disappointment after another has sapped everything out of me.

I must have made him angry with me because I wanted to give up.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
AG thank you ... I hope you are right and I hope I can tell you that soon. And you can laugh at me too if you want.

Yaku.. thank you for telling me all of that. I appreciate the time you took after such a long drive. I hope things are okay for you on this trip. I am trying to think of him as I saw him last week, kind and understanding. I think I'm having some sort of emotional flashbacks. It rained today, just like that day the cops came. I can remember that absolute terror of being so powerless and the horror when I knew oldT was abandoning me. I could not stop it. There was nothing I can do and it feels like that again.

okay so maybe my T was super busy today and tired and had an appointment after work and didn't have time for email. Maybe he just didn't know what to say to me and put it off.

I think I'm going to go to bed and try to sleep. If I don't hear anything tomorrow morning I will beep him. Somewhere inside my rational mind in a very small place I can barely hear him telling me he would not want me to suffer.

Thanks guys.
TN
sdsdMember
I don't think that newT is picking this week of all weeks to do this - I think he is busy and hasn't thought about it. Insensitive - yes. Send him another email tonight and see if he responds.

You say you won't call him. But.....isn't this case, this issue, this week - and the amount of pain you are going through - isn't this one time when you really need to call him?

Can you take another person with you to the school meeting? An advocate, a friend, someone who will be in that room that is supporting you? They don't even have to speak - but just be there observing (but helping you). It is a meeting that has to happen, so if you can minimise some discomfort that might make it easier.
lamplighterlamplighterMember
((((( TN )))))

Oh my god TN I am SO sorry you are being messed about like this.

I don’t understand why he would fix a date for the meeting in your Monday session and then tell you the next day that he can’t make it. Did he give you a reason? Was he referring to himself not being able to make the meeting, or OldT? I can only imagine that some sort of emergency situation has come up where he can’t make next Monday (but don’t you have a normal session at that time anyway? Is it the double session he can’t do?) And it’s doubly worrying that he didn’t reply to your email, given that he knows how profoundly upsetting anything to do with oldT is to you. It’s very confusing and from the way you’ve described T, very out of character, so I reckon you just have to assume that it’s some serious situation that has arisen for him that has kept him from even replying to your email.

It’s next day over there by the time you read this and I’m really hoping that he has either contacted you or you have made yourself get in touch with him again. There could be a hundred different reasons for his not replying and not one of them will be because of anything you’ve said or done – I hope you can believe that! I’d hate to think of you sitting there feeling worse and worse when a simple beep or phone call is something you CAN do to try and sort this.

But none of that alters the fact that you’ve been plunged into a very black place indeed and I’m so very sorry that this wonderful T has let you down (albeit unintentionally) exactly at the time when you most need him to be consistent and there for you. I so hope that by now you’ll have spoken to him and gotten an explanation for what’s happened.

I am sorry too that so many other crappy things are going on for you at the same time. Can I suggest (here’s me trying to be helpful) that you separate out the things you need to deal with and treat them as discrete problems that need your attention and try not to let the different things overlap emotionally – so the problem with the school meeting really has nothing at all to do with T and OldT and if you can, try and separate that out and deal with it with all your focus just on the situation with helping you son. Easy words I know, but I also know what it’s like when one thing going tits up can affect everything else and it suddenly seems like the whole world is hostile and unmanageable and you just want to shut down on everything.

And one last thing, a pox on OldT for causing all this pain and suffering to you!!!! Mad

Thinking of you today TN, I hope you’ll get resolution about this appalling situation with T very soon.

(((((((((((( TN )))))))))))

LL
L lieseMember
(((((TN)))))

Just woke up to find out that NewT still hasn't responded to you. I'm on board with the others that there has to be a reasonable explanation for the delay. He does have to cooridinate the meeting with OldT. And so maybe he was back and forth, playing phone tag with OldT, trying to figure out what to do, finding a time that would work with OldT and also give you the double session. That alone doesn't sound like an easy task. Maybe he didn't want to get in touch until he'd resolved it one way or another. He might not have been aware that OldT goes away in August and might be away on 8/22. And, then, in between that, seeing clients, etc.

He's reassured you that it's okay not to be boring. He's not going to abandon you now.

It has to be awful to think you are finally going to get this meeting and then to have it snatched out of your hands a short time later. I hope you've beeped NewT by now and that soon you will at least know that he wasn't abandoning you.

xoxoxo

Liese
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Monte...LL...Liese...SomeDays (hi nice to meet you)...

Thanks for all the really wonderful and encouraging support. I wanted to update ASAP that I got an email this morning from my T apologizing for not responding yesterday. Evidently, he was having a crazy day and did not pay close attention to email and missed mine. He did say in the email that he would try to find a 2 hr block of time next week (preferably on Monday) to meet with oldT.

I decided I was not going to email him back and so I beeped him instead and he called me back. Problem with this (note to self... don't beep him when he is driving to work) is that we had a horrible phone connection (a pox on AT&T service) so it was hard to talk to him. I told him that yesterday was awful and that on some level I understand it's my past that is getting mixed in with our relationship but that this week I'm extra triggery due to the anniversary... but that I felt that he abandoned me and that I was causing too many problems.

He said I was not and the issue was that he could not give me a double session during my time slot on Monday because he thought he would be able to move another appointment but then he could not and that's what happened. He is going to try for later in the day. I told him that whatever he decides I am going to take the day off from work and I was flexible as to the time and he needed to speak with oldT and get this done. I told him that living in limbo like this was becoming untenable for me and causing a lot of anxiety. I said that I was fighting on too many fronts right now with work, school and oldT and that I just didn't have anything left.

Beyond that I told him we could talk about that stuff more tomorrow because I could barely hear him on the phone and he said okay but he would contact oldT and get something settled. I told him I was worried oldT was taking his summer 3 weeks off very soon and that would push back the meeting.

I appreciate everyone's suggestions. SomeDays it is a very good idea to take an advocate with me... in the past I would take my son's T (who is MY oldT) but he abandoned my son too and I have not found a new T for my son yet. Ideally I'd love to take my sister as she is very informed about this stuff but she does not live close and she works. I'll have to think about who I would be comfortable asking. My dh is NOT good at all in these situations and would make me more nervous.

One day at a time and one problem at a time. I need to focus on that.

I have calmed down a little bit and can breathe again. T said he would be in contact when he knows something. It just shouldn't be this hard to set up a meeting.

Hugs to you all
TN
yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((TN))) I'm so glad you heard back and least know your T isn't upset with you. I am sorry that it took so long and that he can't give you what he said he was, but glad he is trying to make this session with OldT work, despite scheduling problems and whatever reservations he has. He knows it is important to you and he's trying to make it work, because what you need is important to him.
ladygreyladygreyMember
((((TN))))))

Really glad you heard back and that T had a reasonable explanation as to why you hadn't heard back from him. It sounds like you are back to feeling secure with him again. So happy for you. Keep us posted on when this meeting is going to take place. Hopefully Monday if oldT can make it work too. I know how unsettling it must feel to have it looming over you.
ButterflyButterflyMember
Hi TN,

Anniversaries are so hard to deal with when they bring up so many memories. In two weeks it is the anniversary of when my T told me she was leaving and I quite literally fell to bits and I am starting to feel anxious about that even though it wasn't nearly as traumatic as what you had to go through.

I have tried to keep up with as many posts as I can which unfortunately hasn't been as many as I would like but from what I have read you have made remarkable progress with this new T of yours and even though it still hurts you have overcome so much. I am sorry your T had to cancel your long awaited appointment with old T and you had every right to feel angry. I also know there is nothing worse than waiting for a much needed response from a T but I am so glad that you have now heard from him and were able to speak to him albeit with a bad connection.

I have admired your strength and dertermination to heal despite everything that has happened. I really hope your session goes well tomorrow and you can get this appointment sorted.

Butterfly
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
quote:
AG thank you ... I hope you are right and I hope I can tell you that soon. And you can laugh at me too if you want.


TN,
I am delighted to hear I was correct (knowing your T I felt on very safe ground. Smiler) and that you are feeling better. But I can not laugh at you, you were in too much pain to find any humor in the situation.

((((TN)))))

love, AG
H hemlockMember
Relieved to read that your T contacted you...hate that the cell phone connection was awful.

I can't think of anything more disruptive to a potentially healing moment with your T when you are being vulnerable, raw, and in the moment with your feelings, than having that therapeutic connection shattered with the repetitive and obligatory "can you hear me now". Frowner

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