Iris...

not to much info nor too long. I appreciate your sharing this with us.

I did not even begin therapy until my mom died about 5 years ago now. When relationships are complicated then the grief also becomes very complicated. I worked on this grief some with my OldT who later abandoned me. I have spend most of my two years with current T trying to recover from the grief of what my oldT did to me and have not even begun to approach this topic with him.

Iris, from my point of view it seems that your inner child is very active and what you feel is that deprivation from your childhood. You need a T who will nurture her (and you) and you need to be able to take in this care and nurturing and then to accept and integrate that young child part of you. I'd love to be able to say this is easy or that I have done it. I have not. Right now I'm still struggling with talking to the young part. My T says I will need to do this in order to heal. I am trying to take in his care and nurturing but the trust issues are still somewhat getting in the way because of what happened with my oldT.

I just wanted to say that I'm glad you are talking about this and I'm sorry you had such a difficult and painful childhood. I can understand and I do hear you.

Hugs
TN

Hi Iris,

Thank you for posting about your mother here, I am really glad you felt able to do that, it is a brave step in starting to face your grief.

I think I understand where you are coming from. i lost my dad at about the same age and am slowly slowly trusting T and myself with talking about it, for me the pain runs very deep still

TN put it wisely and beautifully again..

quote:

You need a T who will nurture her (and you) and you need to be able to take in this care and nurturing and then to accept and integrate that young part of you.

I totally agree and have to say that I am at a loss still to talk to that younger part of me that is fighting and hurting so much. It would be good for us to keep sharing maybe what things might help this process. I know it is something that I need to work at, I know I need more bravery to do so. It is happening, but very slowly so Iris I know why you might want to get the process sorted but my T assures me that it cannot be rushed and will happen in its own time.

I am not sure if that is helpful to hear, it sounds like you have very good insight Iris and an understanding and open T.

Thank you for sharing this Iris

starfishy

Thank you for your responses - it does help to know there are other people who understand stuff like this. I'm sorry you all know what it is to lose significant people in your lives.
Blu, I really appreciate you sharing some of your story - I feel as if there may be hope to find a place which is a little easier. Thank you for your advice - it must have been a tough journey for you. I really understand how one loss in our lives can connect us to past, unresolved feelings. It's a bit like a lightening rod that carries feelings through layers of protection to a vulnerable core.

((True North)) I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must have been to have that experience with your old T when working on coming to terms with your mother's death. You are doing so well to think about taking the risk of trusting your new T. What you say about my inner little girl is so true... She's just overwhelmed that T sees her and pays attention to her and thinks she matters... I'm thinking that perhaps I need to go with my instinct to curl up and hide sometimes so I can talk and feel safe at the same time. Sometimes, it's too scary to even breathe, though.

Starfishy thank you for letting me know that you are slowly starting to talk about your loss with your T. I smiled when I read that your T said it can't be rushed. My T is always telling me we are in no hurry, she's there for as long as it takes. I suspect I'm hoping it's like pulling a band-aid off - a quick painful yank and all finished!
If I find any strategies that help, I will certainly share them...

Draggers, it must be really hard to have lost someone you were really close to. I don't know what that's like. I find it really confusing that I do feel so sad sometimes and I don't know whether that's about losing an idea of a mother rather than a real person. And there is a little girl inside me that did love her mother, despite how she treated her. But there's also a cold, distant teenager who wants nothing to do with her.
My T isn't working on the day (I have big issues over her changing working pattern!)and I couldn't possibly ask her to go with me. I don't know whether I even want to go through that again...

Thank you for hugs and good wishes. Even though the steps are tiny ones, they are still steps. It's hard work being brave and stepping out of comfort zones. But it helps to know I'm not alone.

(((Iris)))

Firstly I am sorry for how you are feeling. I don't have a solution other than to say I would suggest talking and processing your feelings, because it sounds like you are dealing with so many conflicting feelings, and I can completely understand why given your situation. My loss is different to yours, but yes there are conflicting feelings that I have had to deal with over the years. I lost my father as a teenager. I watched him die and couldn't do anything to save him, so there were feelings of guilt, and all those "what if's?". They are useless questions, but nevertheless they run through your mind. I was told to be strong for my mother - so that is what I did. I hid all my feelings from everyone and got on with life. The complexities in my grieving process came about because of all the conflicting feelings and being unable to grieve or even talk to anyone. My father was no angel. We put up with drinking and abuse, but also love and fun times, so a part of me felt thankful for the end, and yet another part remembered the good times and felt extremely guilty for even considering the thought of "thankfulness". Nobody ever spoke about the bad things - still today nobody does, and still today even writing this I feel ashamed and guilty. It has been more than 20 yrs and I'm not really sure which of my feelings are right. The first and only time I have ever opened up about those feelings was with Old T, who since terminated my therapy. What I can say is that the feelings run really deep.

I guess what we need to acknowledge is that whatever we feel, we feel for a reason, and so therefore we have a right to feel the way we do. I am not sure if any of that makes sense to you or if it is just me that has some obscure way of looking at things.

May you find the strength and wisdom to deal with all of this that you are going through.



B2W

((((IRIS))))

I did not lose either of my parents at a young age. But my Dad sort of did. I think both of his parents were dead by the time he was 30. I know that's not that young but probably not too many people lose both their parents by the time they are 30. It was really hard on him. But he never went to therapy. I think it would have helped. I think it's so great that you are addressing this now.

It might always be difficult and complicated and painful but I think you can come to peace with it to a large extent.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

((IRIS)) I am so sorry for what you're going through right now I'm so glad you plan to tell your T before it happens, that is so wise. It's completely understandable you'd feel small and at a loss for words - that's where we go sometimes hurting this badly. I hope you and your T can come up with a ritual to do, it may take time, but it's possible.

I understand delayed grief, I've experienced it with my grandparents because I had to be there for someone else, and couldn't attend to my own feelings. I haven't discussed it in therapy so I have no words of wisdom there but sending you plenty of love.

((B2W))I'm sorry you've had that experience. What you said about having a right to feelings resonated with me. It's something I'm only just starting to learn after watching my mother express all sorts of feelings in glorious technicolour and being terrified of them.
I also believed everyone who thought I couldn't possibly have any feelings about this woman who didn't really bring me up. But I do. I have too many feelings!

Thanks for your optimism, Liese. I think it's going to take a while... After today's session with T, I realised I am far from ready to think about saying goodbye to my mother. Lots to say before that...

Cat, Thank you so much. I used to think my urge to curl up and hide was ridiculous but am learning to be accepting of it - I sometimes wish I could see muself through my T's eyes, because she is always so matter of fact about whatever I do or say or don't say. It's as if it's completely reasonable... Perhaps it is. She is open to a ritual or many rituals... whenever I feel the time feels right. I'm sorry for your experience of grief too. Although it seems a fairly universal experience, there are so many elements that complicate it or make it a unique journey for everyone.

Today, I realise I can only approach this in tiny steps and that the date is only part of the stuff I'm trying to move through. Maybe it is a good thing to bring this up on my agenda for therapy.

Thank you all for your support.

Iris xx