Today was three years that I began therapy with my current T and met him for the first time. I remember it like yesterday, despite the haze of active trauma I was struggling with after the abrupt abandonment of oldT. I remember my T walking out of his office coming over to shake my hand and handing me paperwork to fill out. I was unable to find a picture of him on line and had no idea what to expect. When I saw him I had the shock of realizing he was not oldT. That I was really seeing a T that was not oldT. And that was the last time I was able to actually "see" my T for months. Oh I went to session but I was unable to see him or to have any memory of what he looked like. I could only remember his calm, deep voice.

So today I gave him a card to tell him how much he meant to me and to thank him for taking me in and nurturing me. He seemed to like the card and then turned to tell me that his old professor used to say that after 3 years is when you begin to do work in therapy. Then he said that it was time that we got to work. I looked at him in surprise and he amended that by saying I went through a lot of difficult life events this year. I said yeah having C die was not on my agenda, nor having health problems which had me in the hospital for an invasive and triggering procedure.

He then addressed the email I sent him last week full of despair and hopelessness. Telling him how difficult I was finding it to go back to work after a session and that I felt I could not move forward because I had to swing so drastically from left brain to right brain and back again. His response email was very kind and helpful and he said we would have to look at the way we worked in session and maybe make some changes. So today he addressed the changes.

It was hard to sit there and listen to him. He asked a few questions and then told me that I was doing the opposite of what I was supposed to be doing. I was remaining so composed and contained in session that he had no idea I was so distraught when I would leave him and then I would fall to pieces outside of therapy. I should be falling to pieces inside the therapy room with him there to contain me and help me process what I was trying to process all alone out side of session. He said it was understandable because I was so used to having to do everything on my own since childhood. It was me trying to keep control and do therapy on my own. He told me I needed to cry and scream in session and then allow him to help superglue me back together until next time so I can function better in real life. I told him that I didn't believe he could help me. He said he believed he could but that if he couldn't then he would find me someone else who could. that scared the shit out of me. I told him it was not him but anyone. He said I had to allow us to work as a team and collaborate. He remarked that I was more open with him in the beginning and now that I am somewhat recovered from the initial trauma I am trying to stay in control.

He told me he wants to try to work this out before moving my time. I told him I don't know what to do and he said to just come in and tell him what I am afraid of. I am just so frozen with fear to tell him what I'm thinking or feeling and being rejected by my last T is not helping. I want to reach out to him but something is stopping me. I feel like I'm doing things all wrong and I am feeling so wrong and so stupid about this. I used to think I knew how to do therapy but I guess I was wrong. I am left trying to figure out how to put this all back together and I just feel so lost.


I know that in order to build trust with him I have to trust him with my heart and take that huge risk to step off the cliff hoping he will be there to catch me.

Does any of this resonate with anyone else?

Thanks
TN