There are good parts to this:
-I'm safer with H here and I've been in a bad place (as those in the sensitive issues section know).
-If I decide to start meds or find a new T/P, doing so with H around in case I flip out is much better.
-I'm less likely to be invaded by family members who I just can't deal with right now.
-I brought up topics with my T to discuss tonight that I probably would have postponed if H hadn't been scheduled to leave.
-I embarrassingly confessed stuff about my "states/parts" and dissociative episodes to my pastor, his wife and some friends who were going to help make sure I was OK while he was gone. I also asked for the worship team to be praying for me at band practice. I wouldn't have done so otherwise, so now I have a larger group of "support" people who are more-or-less up-to-date on where I'm at. Definitely would not have been that vulnerable without the impetus of his trip.
Bad parts:
-I feel TRICKED into being vulnerable and bringing some stuff up to T before I was ready, even though I objectively know it was a good thing.
-I wanted to sleep in my own bed for a couple of weeks and not worry about the repercussions.
-I wanted some time to myself, to not feel like a crappy, letdown of a wife, who can't even keep basic stuff under control.
-Parts of me regret not having the opportunity to do bad stuff.
Not actually a bad thing, but just an angry feeling I'm going to have to live with.Anyway, now that I know he's not leaving right now, I guess I have to speed up my processes for deciding if I'm going to get a new T and looking into meds. I am so UNmotivated right now. I'm feeling like myself for a few hours by avoiding thinking about those triggering things and I don't want to go back to falling apart like I have been the last four days. My head is throbbing so badly right now and Boo won't nap so that I can too.