We talked about a lot of things but bascially I told him that I had this weird compulsion to keep talking about what happened to me with oldT going back to that traumatic day but also the weeks following what happened. He said it was not weird at all but quite normal and he notices that I do not talk about the same thing but I talk to him about what happened from all the different perspectives of my life. How it impacted my relationship with my son, how it impacted my job, my schooling, my social life, how hard it was to find a new T etc.
We talked about abandonment and terminations and fears that patients have. Told him a bit about Mac and how a discussion opened about that we need to talk to our Ts now about termination and how they handle it. He said what happened to me and Mac was NOT termination but abandonment which is definitely unethical and talking to a T about termination (aside from how they handle the normal phase out of therapy when you feel you are done) would not prevent abandonments. He said the most important thing to look for are those "red flags". Is the T consistent? Does he get defensive? Does he blame the patient for things? Does he maintain consistent, ethical boundaries? Are all your feelings accepted? Things like that.
We talked about out of session contact/emailing. He is very much in favor of it and finds that it greatly helps the client and he does not want me to suffer if he can take a few minutes to reply to an email that will hold me over for a few days. He told me that my emails are a pleasure to read, as they are concise and they ask focused questions. He said they are very easy to respond to and then he very much enjoys the feedback I give him on how they help me and what he said that I found calming or reassuring. He is also good with getting phone calls. But he said no texting with a smile. He said he hates texting and won't even allow his daughter to text him!
He said he understands the ambivalence I've been battling with going to see him. He knows I miss oldT and his office. He said he knows I have this running battle in my head that I want to see him but I don't want to see him at the same time. I had to smile because that was so true... but more true in the beginning when I hated climbing those stairs to his office. When I would be so angry that I had to go there and not to oldT's warm cozy office. I told him that I am sitting there watching his every move and holding him at a distance. He said he knew and he understood and he feels that will change with time and trust. He can only keep doing what he is doing... listening, being consistent, being honest and authentic. I think it's working.
He has not received any response to his second request for a treatment summary from oldT and it's been 2 weeks now. I told him I am thinking of having a lawyer write a letter for me asking for a list of things that I need from oldT but cannot ask for myself because 1-he won't respond to my calls and 2- he sent me that letter saying I am not allowed to contact him. NewT thought that was a good idea and he is going to give me some names of lawyers. I want my file and my son's file and I want my belongings and for him to clear up my insurance paperwork. I will then decide if I want to take the next step. NewT says he is only concerned that oldT does not injure me again and that he wants to see me stronger before I "attempt" to see oldT again (which may never even happen). He said he is very protective of me and his work with me. That just feels so good. It's a huge thing that I've searched for all my life, the protection of a stronger and wiser other.
I told newT that I stayed with him in part because I liked his strength and that I needed to take some of that for me now because I lost mine. He said to take whatever I need from him and our relationship that will help me. We also touched on work and the dynamic with my boss (which is volatile). We talked about how to deal with abusers of any kind in life and how I react in the way that gets me hurt over and over again. He is quite astute at identifying patterns. I can also see that he is working with a general plan of treatment in mind. I know what he is doing and we talked about that I recognize this. How he is establishing a certain framework and laying the foundation for future work. It just gives me the sense that he knows what he is doing and we are not just meandering around not knowing what was happening in the therapy as I felt with oldT.
Towards the end I started talking about that last day when oldT abandoned me and called the cops on me and what I had said to him and the sequence of events. I had identified some new information, mostly through a really intense flashback that played out like a movie. As we talked about this new information I started to shiver and shake really badly and he noticed right away but he does not keep a blanket in his office (maybe I'll bring one to stash there as this happens to me when things get intense). He said that was from the trauma memory and the processing of it. He said it makes total sense what I told him and that this is not something a person could make up or invent. These are things that happened in the momemt without conscious thought. He said it was the small hurt child who was sitting in that car crying and my T scared and traumatized her by his actions that day.
As we were talking about this I realized my time was up and told him so and almost jumped out of my chair. He told me that I needed to let him do his job and I had to do mine. i asked him what that was and he said I needed to take a deep breath and calm myself down before leaving and he would decide when I could leave and that I would never be pushed out of his office before it was the right time to go no matter that the session ended. So I relaxed and took some breaths and we talked about scheduling appointments and I was able to pull myself together enough to leave. He praised me for my hard work and said he is very pleased at how far I have come. He shook my hand and patted my shoulder and wished me a good weekend. I see him Tuesday again.
I left there feeling really good. Good in the sense that I felt that we were very attuned and I have not felt that ... or allowed myself to feel attuned to any T since oldT. I felt good in the sense that I am hopeful we can work past the grief and fear and mistrust and get back to the therapy that needs to be done beyond the abandonment. I like him and I respect him and despite him saying that he is not a warm fuzzy kind of guy... I think he kinda is ... in his own fuzzy way. He reminded me to email him if I need him when I left.
So, it's all good for now. I'm starting to see hope and light and possibilities.
I also want to announce here that I have re -enrolled back into college and start my first class (not a psych class) tomorrow. I'm really scared about this and let's hope I have enough clarity of mind and focus to handle it.
Thanks,
TN
