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6 replies

Another hug question - is talking enough?

dpbluseedpbluseeMember
So I just came to post this and saw there is another thread on hugs which I will try to respond to when I have more time but, in the meantime, I also had a question about the therapy process and hugs.

I am going through a very deep grieving phase in my therapy related to my childhood trauma. I am surfacing a lot of pain and anguish. My T does not hug me. I have never asked him if he hugs other clients, I just assumed he doesn't, and that's not his "method". If he does hug other clients, I think the reason he wouldn't hug me is likely due to my particular childhood abuse as there is covert incest and a total lack of boundaries in my past. He has indicated that, for me, hugs are problematic in general from anyone, let alone from him.

Currently, in my life, I literally have no one to hug for comfort. My husband and I are separated, I have had no contact with my mother (the perpetrator of my abuse) for over a year. I am going through difficult times with other members of my family due to my new awareness of how dysfunctional and abusive my family's dynamic was, so I have no one in my family I can seek out for a hug.

I have one very good friend but we have never had a real "hug-oriented" friendship and actually she is recovering from an abusive childhood too so hugging is problematic for her too.

With all that said, I know I can't ever have a hug from my T and I am wondering if when I go in there and spill my guts and bawl my eyes out (like I did today) is that enough of a replacement for not getting a hug during this extremely difficult phase of my therapy? Is just talking about this with other empathetic, caring people enough to substitute for a real hug? How important is getting a hug to healing if you come from a childhood where there was never true, genuine, authentic physical comfort?

Any thoughts? Thanks!
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greeneyesgreeneyesMember
Hey DBS

I have been going through an almost identical process to what you described these past few months. I'm so sorry you're feeling the deepest, most horrible and tormenting pain and anguish and more or less alone.

I have never discussed hugs with my T but I'm 99% sure he wouldn't give me one.
DH seemed freaked out and uncomfortable when I was in the depths of my emotional hell. He found it almost impossible to be physically close to me. I found that almost as bad as grieving and knowing my pain of abandonment and unrequited love.

However, in the past month or two I have come to feel physically held by T's words, I can imagine him hugging away all my pain. I can physically feel the real love and affection he has for me. It's wonderful!

Hugs to you. There was mention on another thread about weighted blankets tat are meant to be very soothing and containing on a physical level xx
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
Hi DBS,

I'm in a similar position, where my T has made it clear that therapy is a place for words, and words it is. Hugs aren't for Ts clients, they're for Ts family. It really stung when I learned this, and I had a good cry over it.

However, like GreenEyes said here:
quote:
I have come to feel physically held by T's words, I can imagine him hugging away all my pain. I can physically feel the real love and affection he has for me. It's wonderful!


I've come to the believe the same. Sinking into the sofa in Ts office, shedding light on some of my darkest moments, Ts words wrap me in comfort and safety. Now, if only I could talk to T five days a week!
yakusokuyakusokuMember
I think, I mean, hugs "work" for me, but I think I also could have found a way to felt held and safe by T without them. It might have taken my therapy on a different route or taken more time to "dig up" some of the stuff that has surfaced, but on the other side of it, I've had a few others in my life that I have become comparatively close to for a time (like a former mentor) and they hugged me all of once or twice in many years. I think the relationship T and I built allowed for the hugs, rather than the hugs allowing for the relationship...and the relationship, the having someone with you while you explore the pain and wounds, is where the healing is.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
DBS,
I am seriously on the fly here because of OT but I have never done anything but shaken my Ts hand, but have found his presence and the connection and "holding" he provides to be enough. I often feel very held by the end of a session. I have even come, through a lot of pain and struggle I might add, to deeply understand how important it was for my healing that he held such a clear boundary around touch. I was sexually abused by my dad so the relationship with my T can be quite complex on this subject.

I want to be clear that I do not think that hugs or use of touch is wrong in therapy. As many have shared here, it can be very powerful and healing and there are whole modalities based on it. I know Shrinklady is a big proponent of the use of touch in therapy. But I do know that it proved very effective for me with this therapist to not use touch, but instead to have to verbalize all my feelings (and sometimes verbalize meant screaming at him because he wouldn't hold me. Big Grin).

I believe that the healing really grows out of being able to experience these feelings in the presence of a caring attuned other who reflects back compassion and understanding and who attends to our feelings, implicitly teaching us that we, and our feelings, matter. For some people that reflection contains physical touch and for others it does not, but the important part is the attunement and understanding.

This is the hard part about hearing about other people's therapy. Hug two

AG
dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Thanks so much everyone for responding to my post! I felt very encouraged to know that hugs are not a necessity for healing. I know I won't get this from my T but the idea that I can't get that, right now, from anyone else in my life made me feel quite sorrowful. It made me wonder if my healing would be even more difficult.

The first time I told my T I wanted a hug I told him: "You know, I mean, I don't really want a hug, I just want the comfort." I was very dismissive of the need because I felt shame and because I understood the boundaries (I'm quite the rules girl). I knew I would never get one so I really believed it was just a longing that the little girl in me wanted. He called me out on it right away and said "I do think you want a hug." As soon as he said it I knew he was right. He said we could work on finding ways for me to be "held" in a different way. Now, I am starting to feel very "held" in the session just by his caring presence and reassuring words. It's kind of amazing how that works! So glad everyone here reaffirmed what I have been feeling lately with my T.

Coming here also makes me feel hugged too - in a virtual way! Thanks!
navymenavymeMember
My T does hug.

And honestly, I think if I asked, or gestured...she would hug me a lot more often...but, I struggle with other feelings about being worthy of it, forcing her to do it, and things that are reflective of my baggage.

I think sometimes when our T's set boundaries, or don't interfere with bizarre ones we set for ourselves about recognizing where they don't have one - They are simply allowing us the space and strength to deal with things on our own. And maybe they know, as I fear for myself... that sometimes the physical act of a hug, would simply be too much.

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