Yeah, he started out with a statement about how most therapy is client-directed/led, but how he realized it was difficult for me and he wanted to help as much as he could, but also would not stop giving me the opportunity to take the reigns in a non-pressure sort of way. I let him know that I heard how carefully he had worded that statement and he admitted he was very purposeful and intentional about it, which made me feel the attunement was good.
I updated him on how things are going with my sisters, which is a little bit better and he was happy for me.
We talked about Tuesday night's painful session, but not much, because I really couldn't get at what had happened to make me feel that way. We came back to it at the end of the session and he said to pray about it and be patient with myself.
We discussed how things were going in my communications with H. T said he's really impressed/proud with the effort I'm making there and asked how H's reactions are making me feel (which H is doing a lot better with than he was--less judgmental). We talked about how my vulnerability isn't being reciprocated and how it was more about H's compartmentalization than him not being open with me, but that him hiding the incident last year made it more hurtful that he doesn't feel the need to be open. T said that was something for us to work on with H, but I said that I would leave that between T and H, because I have told him what I think and how it makes me feel and it's up to H to decide if he wants to change and work. I basically said that I had given up the idea that I could control H a long time ago and wouldn't bother trying. T thought this was pretty unique and said he sees a lot of marriages with a control-frustration-critical dynamic between partners. We joked around about me being perfect and I said, "Well, nearly perfect." and he liked me having something positive to say about myself, even if it was a joke.
Then, we reviewed how things are going with my homework, and I let him know that I thought the Codependency stuff actually has me processing a bit heavier than my journaling did, but he still thought that it was good and giving me perhaps a different perspective. And he encouraged me to review it and invite God into those questions and not just process from my own analysis. He also gave me a little direction on my future "Word" homework, but I don't remember, because my family was being distracting and I had to ask them to turn it down a bit.
Here, he got us into one of his long discussions on involving Jesus in everything and I admitted that although I do go to God in preparation for therapy sessions, I was finding it hard to believe that I could do it as consistently as I want/need to be and listening to him about it was making me feel pretty hopeless. He related it to taking over territory a little bit at a time, and saying it's OK to start small and work from there and not expect it to be overnight. And he described his own feeling stuck in the mud for "many many many many many many many many many many...years," which made me feel a bit better. T said that over a long period of time, realizing the times he went to God to help him manage worked and the times when he tried to do things on his own were more difficult, it has just been a natural growth/discipline from those experiences. It blessed me that he shared his own personal experience being intimate with God, even if it was only general.
It was about time to wrap up at this point, and we talked a bit longer about how that was so hard for me. He asked if it was OK that we wrap up and I said that I would never answer no to that question. He voiced for me that "Leaving is hard," which made me feel heard. And I said, "Yes, I feel stranded, but there is nothing that can be done about it, so I don't see the point in objecting to it." He received that statement and said that it was a good moment/feeling to invite God into. Then we wrapped up and he said, "Let's pray!" and I had the courage to tell him that him saying that might be triggering for a while. And he said, "Because it signals the end?" and I said, "No, because of my reaction to it on Tuesday." I'm not sure he understood, because he sounded a little hesitant, so I will have to revisit it again next time.
T prayed. He reminded me that it was OK to text and email. He sounded very gentle and sincere. We said the usual goodbyes. He said, "God bless." I said, "Take care." and then we both said "Bye." I took his advice and immediately prayed about my hurt and lonely feelings and asked God to speak to me and went to find a passage of the Bible that would connect me to the intimacy that was available to me. Then, I took him at his word that it was OK to text and said "Thanks" again for the session and how I was feeling empty, but admitting to God those lonely/hurt feelings and how impossible it felt to continue walking through them and sent him the "address" of the passage that I had connected with. He texted me back, "He will not fail you."
So, I am feeling still sad and lonely and missing T and wishing he could have been my dad instead of that guy who never connected with me emotionally and then left me behind...but I'm feeling OK with myself about all those feelings and not beating the crap out of myself for them. Just really sad and "little" and almost homesick for my time with T right now.
