For the record, my feeling unheard was not me feeling unappreciated. I can tell you appreciate getting feedback. You continuing to ask questions is evidence of that. By unheard, I mean, it feels like literally I can't tell if my posts are even getting read, or if they are too long and get skipped. You say you are trying to wrap your head around it all, which is an awesome endeavor, but rather than following up on what you don't understand, you start a new thread.
This is not intended as a judgment at all, nor was my last post. It's intended to show a pattern of interaction. I do see you sometimes following up with questions to understand better what people mean, but the participation you invest in your own thread does not allow us to better understand where you're coming from, so we can hone our answers. We're all here because we either find your questions thought-provoking or we want to help. It is, in fact, not your job to reward our participation with certain types of responses or by changing your behavior. Our feelings in response to these interactions are ours to deal with, and decide how to proceed.
My main goal for replying in your threads is to be helpful. I am not a therapist, but I have a lot of experience from the inside of attachment issues, both in therapy a and throughout my life. As I told someone else recently, it is very hard work, the hardest I have ever done...and it makes me sad to see someone putting themselves through all the pain and confusion that goes along with it while not putting themselves in a position to find the growth and healing that has made it worthwhile to so many of us to keep going. I could be understanding wrong, but from my limited vantage point, it seems like you're experiencing all of the difficulty of struggling with what closeness and safety mean (i.e. what the meant in your past, because of other relationships), and receiving none of the benefits that those small risks I mentioned will give you over time. I feel deeply like I want to help you do that, because I understand how awfully painful this is, and when it doesn't seem like the wisdom others (with much more experience than myself) and I give, I start to feel helpless, which is a trigger.
To reiterate, I am responsible for me and my feelings. I know it's possible that this post will not help you and that will make me feel frustrated, and it is my choice to participate anyway. Just like I feel sad that you feel judged by other's trying to offer insights into your relational patterns, but I know in my own heart that is not my intention, and from experience with others here, not their intention...they wouldn't be posting here if they didn't want to help. So, while I certainly don't want you to feel judged, I hear that you feel that way, accept it as how you're receiving our attempts to help, and while I'm sorry in an empathetic way have to know you're feeling that way, I'm ok with letting that be where you're at without feeling responsible for it. In the same way, I don't want you to feel responsible for fixing my discomfort. But if I didn't communicate it, instead running from an interaction that is triggering me without giving myself a chance to be heard, there is no potential to relate going forward.
My fear was enough people feeling unheard would result in an eventual migration away from your threads. I've had that happen, and it really sucks. Because of that, I'm really appreciative of those people here (many of whom are posting in this thread) who made themselves vulnerable enough to tell me how my responses to their posts were being interpreted, how it made them feel. It hurt at the time, because my mind went, "I am bad and unlikable and hurt other people when I try to share myself, so I should always be alone." But, because they risked to tell me something of how they were experiencing our interactions, I was able to grow in my interactions and better take in what others were offering me. I became better able to communicate what I needed (to be heard, to have advice, to be related to, etc.) so it as more likely for me to have interactions that felt positive on both sides. The worst thing that could happen is everyone feels confused about where you're at, what you need, frustrated at being unheard or unable to help, and slowly retreats.
If there is something you're still trying to wrap your mind (or your heart) around that any of us have said, I encourage you (if it's not too scary) to fully explore your confusion with these wonderful people who are all here specifically with the intention of understanding, relating to, exploring with, and helping you...kind of like your T, but without quite so much training. Rather than start a new thread that is ostensibly about boundaries within the therapeutic or other relationships, why not ask questions clarifying what you don't understand about what we're saying or tell us how it makes you feel in more detail, what experience s from your past it reminds you of, etc., if that feels safe to do? It's ok if not. A good example would be in the thread you elaborated yourself that the point of communicating feelings was to change people. That is a huge realization that probably has a ton of past messages behind it that it would be helpful to explore (more with your T, but it can sometimes feel safer to start on your own, or rather anonymously). If you can stick with a conversation long enough, maybe we can understand better and you can help us see where there is a disconnect between what we're saying and what you are hearing, thinking, or feeling.
Lastly, as valuable as it is to understand how therapy works, my T has advised me and I have found it true, that overly obsessing and intellectualizing, actually can bypass or avoid (as a defense mechanism) a more important, but often terrifying, experiential understanding. I often want to wrap my head around things completely, figuring if only I can understand it fully enough, it will make sense and no longer be so scary and hard. One word here...false. The changes that need to be made, and others can speak to the science of it, seem to be in another level of our brain. Just understanding how the therapeutic relationship works, how and why it is safe, will not allow for growth and healing from deep-seated behavioral patterns and messages about ourselves, others, and relationships, from our childhoods. It is going to have to be a little scary and confusing if you are going to grow, because the truth is probably that these patterns come from scary, painful, confusing experiences.
Again, there is no way out but through. You can't understand your way over it or stretch everyone else's boundaries to get around it. It's like that children's song/book about going on a bear-hunt. We have to go THROUGH it. So, knowing that, you just have to decide if you still want out and if you do, whether you are ready to put one foot in front of the other, even an inch, and see that there is actually a path to walk in front of you, not just a sheer rock face into the abyss. It means showing up to the scheduled sessions, maybe with a paper in hand that says five words about how it feels to not be able to have what you want from T, so you don't forget...and then talk about it in person. It's ok to say, "I just can't!" or, "I'm not ready yet..." No matter what, it has to be your choice and no one else's.
I'm sorry if what I write is too long or doesn't make sense (thanks to all those who reassured me on that account). I'm more than happy to answer questions about anything I've said. There is no judgment for your struggles. Only empathy and hope and desire to help, for you to be able to receive the acceptance and help that others, including your T, are holding out to you.
(((Hugs)))
Thanks,
I don't know about you but it never ceases to amaze me when transference is still operating in my life. Unfortunately for me, it's still way too often but I'm chipping away at it. It's awesome when we can see it and let go of it. It's all good stuff. Hope you don't stop responding altogther.