Lamplighter, I was reading through your post thinking, "You need to just tell him this and give it another chance...maybe he's waiting for you to be more assertive..." and then I got to this:

quote:

I think he’s not very experienced, maybe been practising a year or two if that, and that he just hasn’t had the experience of dealing purely with feelings, his original method is CBT and though he agreed not to use that with me I think he can’t help it...

OMG! How old is he? He's only been practising a year or two (and you've been there six months already?)?! Yes, I agree that you need to cut bait and find a more experienced T. And don't even get me started on CBT. It worked great for me the first 8-10 weeks, when I was acutely depressed, but after that, it seems like a bit of a bandaid. Gimicky. It just doesn't go anywhere. And CBT therapists just don't get the transference issues. (Gross generalization, I know. I'm sure there are exceptions. But it seems whenever we hear of Ts messing up with transference on this forum, they are always CBT practitioners.)

Best of luck to you. I absolutely know how awful it is to try to find a new T, since I am in the depths of this horror right now. But it seems in your case it's probably necessary.

Hi LL.... I hear you and I hear your frustration with this and I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Could be that you answered your own question... in that your T is CBT trained and is very inexperienced. Forgive me, LL, but I don't remember your background or if you have ever spoke about it on here, but if you have complex trauma and attachment issues then a CBT trained T would probably be at a loss in dealing with it and especially that he has little experience. I agree that you need to talk about how you are feeling in the here and now and about what is going on inside of you but also as to how it relates back to your past. Many of the painful and uncomfortable feelings we are grappling with tend to be triggered within the therapy and exploring them and their connection to the present is important and hard work. Your T needs to understand this.

That said, I also have had a roller coaster with my T in this area. There have been a number of disruptions due to his lack of experience in handling trauma patients. Luckily for me he is receptive to learning about trauma and attachment and he is a very intelligent T with very good basic therapeutic instincts. He is empathic, understanding, reassuring and supportive and has endless patience with me. I have taken a lot of time to educate him on what I need and what works for me. It has not always been easy but what I have in my favor is my very intense attachment to him and his unwarvering (so far) commitment to me. It keeps me from giving up and walking away. And things have very slowly been getting better. Just the other day I teased him after we had a minor disruption telling him how well he handled it and remarking on how we have BOTH grown so much over the past year in how we handle things.

I do have a question....If your T does not want to talk about how you are feeling and thinking and what is happening inside you, then what exactly DOES he want to talk about? Is he trying to give you advice or convince you of certain things? Does he just ramble on about nothing? When my T happens to divert into advice mode I get mad at him and then I end up dissociating and don't remember the session. We are working on keeping me present, keeping eye contact and we have worked out a signal to let him know when I'm about to dissociate.

Lastly, you are NOT so badly abnormal and can't be helped. This is not true. It just so happens that you are with a T who is inexperienced and you should not blame yourself for this at all. Your T may just feel safer keeping you in intellectual mode because he is unsure how to handle an emotional, right brain patient. And you are NOT alone and isolated you are here with us and many of us have the same feelings and emotions that you do so you are not the only one who struggles with this stuff. And you are doing the right thing by reaching out for support here.

If you feel he cannot be taught (and some can't) you may have to cut your losses and find someone else but I would suggest that you look for a psychodynamic or eclectic T with attachment and trauma experience. You should not have to feel that you cannot heal because your T is not capable of doing his job.

I do hear your pain and please keep posting. I want to know how you are doing.

((((Lamplighter))))

TN

Hi LL,

I think we sometimes get an unrealistic view of what therapy is for a lot of people, because people on this board are very frequently one particular TYPE of person. We tend to have a strong interest in therapy as therapy, concerns about transference and attachment, an interest in psychodynamic work, an expectation or tolerance for therapy to be long-term. All of this is valid and I believe can be a very rich and rewarding way to go about therapy.

Lots and lots of people have therapy for short-term problem solving. They tend NOT to be the folks who come home from sessions feeling totally weird and obsessed, google the words 'therapy transference' or 'therapy attachment', find Shrinklady, fall in love with AG's missives about her healing journey and everyone else on this board and start building their own little log cabin in the Psychcafe woods.

What I'm saying is, you don't need to worry about your T's competence or your judgement of him. There are plenty of people he can adequately serve, and as he gets more experienced there will be more. But he is not the one for you. That's not about your brokenness or badness, either. It's really not. It's about your personal needs as the lovely, smart, experienced individual human being that you are. I've been devising a list of what I want from my next T, and top of my list of priorities is experience. I felt ashamed saying that was important to me (surely everyone wants someone experienced? what makes me so special?) but there's no reason to. The inexperienced can help the person who wants five sessions to come to terms with a job change, or eight sessions to learn some assertiveness, or the person who has never been in therapy before and wants to learn the basics. Not me, and I'll warrant not you either.

It's okay to need what you need.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you again - keep trying - you are in a really strong position in that you KNOW what you do need and want, and you are committed to feeling what you need to feel and to healing.

(Incidentally, if you went to, say, Psych Central and read some blogs you would see quite a different set of expectations about what therapy is and does to what people tend to look for around here, and you would see them presented as The Way Therapy Is Supposed To Be. Just different strokes, is all.)

(((((Lamplighter))))))

and more hugs....

you are really hurting, and I so wish I could hug you in real time. I am so sorry that things have taken a turn for the worse. I love how True North has this awesome relationship where they help eachother...it seems so challlenging but ideal. But I don't get the impression from your post that you still think something like this could happen between you and your current T. Am I wrong? I guess you have to answer that. It really concerns me that he doesn't have the experience that you need. You are a person who needs a T who "gets it." And how is that wrong again? How is this your fault? Quick answer? It's not.
What I do not understand about your situation is that in the past you have expressed that you do not experience transference with your T. Are you sure about that? I don't want to psuh, I certainly do not want to make you start thinking more... the dreaded thinking! ACK!!! But it might be worthwhile to examine, if you might have experienced a tiny bit of transference with this or other t's because even though it suck big time, it does very clearly and unmistakable tell us something about ourselves and our pasts. LL, You don't speak much about your feelings- it's true. Might they be too overpowering to experience alone? Please tell me if I am out of line. But I worry, and I hope you find or perhaps, somehow make this one make work, a therapeutic relationship that will help you to unlock your soul. As Jones said:

quote:

Lots and lots of people have therapy for short-term problem solving. They tend NOT to be the folks who come home from sessions feeling totally weird and obsessed, google the words 'therapy transference' or 'therapy attachment', find Shrinklady, fall in love with AG's missives about her healing journey and everyone else on this board and start building their own little log cabin in the Psychcafe woods.

hee-hee! I really love this! LL, take Jones and everyone's words to heart... let yourself find the T who will help you find your heart.

hugs to you, and many thoughts,

BB

Warning! Super long post.

Oh thank you so much guys for your replies - it’s even surprised me how much it means to me to be heard - didn’t realize quite how badly I was handling this and your replies have made me feel less of a freak and an alien. Thankyou

Echo commiserations - I really hope you find yourself another good T and soon - it’s so defeating facing the fact of having to start all over again and not really knowing whether the therapy is going to work until some time down the track. Uggh. Hey interesting your comments about CBT - that’s how I feel about it. It might well work for a lot of people but definitely not for me, it’s probably the most dangerous of all the therapeutic approaches for me, seeing as how I’ve managed to well and truly screw myself up by focusing so much on what I think and trying to change it. And from what I’ve read of other people’s experiences with it, it seems to be a very shortlived thing, doesn’t make deep enough changes to be of lasting benefit.

My T is probably in his 50s but he only qualified as a counsellor sometime after 2007. That didn’t bother me to start off with as I didn’t really have any idea about what therapy could involve (that the deeper feeling stuff isn’t common garden run of the mill as I’d assumed) so wasn’t too fussed about T needing to have a great deal of experience. The only warning bell rang when he told me the longest client he had had was about 8 months. 8 MONTHS???? And there was I thinking well I reckon a couple of years should fix me so his idea of long term therapy didn’t really match mine. But it still didn’t occur to me that lack of actual experience would be a problem. NOT SO NOW! I seriously think that he doesn’t know how to handle the feeling work, just doesn’t know what to do despite my constantly telling him what I need him to say and do, you couldn’t get much clearer with someone than I do with him yet he never seems to take it on board, that’s what set the alarm bells ringing early on in the piece, and now I can’t really avoid the fact that he’s simply not hearing me no matter how hard he tries. I think it’s a combination of his inexperience and also his own personal approach to therapy, he’s very much a cerebral sort uses words far too much, there are no silences in my therapy and not nearly enough active interest in what I’m saying or what’s going on in me - it’s like he turns everything I say into an intellectual discussion and as my own defence system is based on intellectualizing and rationally understanding everything it’s very hard for me not to get hooked into these abstract discussions.

True North it sounds like you have an amazing relationship with your T - if I were different maybe I could have emulated it with my T - effectively ‘teaching’ him how to do what I need, but I’m not ok enough about my feelings and needs and wants to be able to deal with having to guide HIM through it all especially when he doesn’t seem capable of learning anything even when I do try and explain to him what I need.

quote:

He is empathic, understanding, reassuring and supportive and has endless patience with me.

How funny, my T is all of these as well, EXCEPT understanding . So while he’s empathic, supportive and endlessly patient (the poor man) and sometimes reassuring that’s just not enough. And I am not in any way attached to him so that doesn’t help. In fact I have never attached to any therapist I’ve ever had - no such thing as positive transference for me I haven’t any idea what that is like (I can imagine it but it’s never happened).

You pose a very good question TN - my T does talk endlessly (a bit like me here lol) and for the life of me most of the time I don’t remember anything that he’s said. At first I thought that was because I was being defensive and resistant, then I realized it’s because it’s all very abstract and conceptual - talking about ideas and hypothetical things rather than my actual experience, and now I think it’s because what he says doesn’t relate at all to what I’m saying and meaning and therefore has no impact or importance for me - when I talk to him I’m expecting all the time some kind of ‘correct’ response that makes me feel understood and when that doesn’t happen my mind just sort of discounts what he says. Yes a lot of the time I think he’s trying to convince me of things, but he tends to say it in a really general sort of way rather than applying it to me personally. I’ve also picked him up on things recently which I probably didn’t notice so much earlier on, such as saying stuff like ‘I wonder if you will experience me as hostile in this session’ (this is about the only accurate comment of his I can remember, because it’s so recent) and I very nearly got caught up in responding to that going off into a great wordy discussion about it until I realized hang on, that’ s in the future how the hell am I supposed to know NOW whether I’m going to think that sometime in the future. I should add that he said that because in the very first session we did on how I feel in the moment I told him that I was experiencing him in a negative way, not hostile but something like that. (And I was careful to say that the word WASN’T hostile, but I couldn’t find the right word for it.) So in fact by his using the word hostile he didn’t hear or check with me what I was really saying even when I told him several times that’s not what I meant at all hm I’ve just realized that. Anyway so in the next two sessions that’s the kind of stuff he came out with, but it didn’t open the way for me to get in touch with whether I was feeling hostile IN THAT MOMENT, it effectively stopped me from feeling and put me in anticipatory thinking ahead mode and that’s the way he talks, it always seems to disconnect me from feelings and keeps me in thinking mode which is the one thing I’ve been adamant about right from the start that I want to bypass.

TN I remember your thread about dissociating and how you can work out a way for your T to keep you grounded - it sounds like it’s working, you really do have a good relationship there.

Gosh I’m so sorry this is turning into a mega massive post I hope it doesn’t bore the pants off everyone. But it’s really helping me to go through this stuff even as I’m writing I can feel things slotting into place so hope you guys will bear with me.

Ok Jones-T looks like you’re now stuck with having the title of forum therapist lol. Your comments have been so helpful in letting me see that actually yes you’re right no matter how bad it makes me feel telling him he’s useless and hopeless as a therapist - he is helping and will go on to help lots of other people. Just not me :SAD: But what you’ve said has made it a little easier for me not to blame myself for hurting his feelings, that probably in fact I won’t be hurting his feelings at all. But I still don’t like kicking puppies.

Lol I haven’t quite gotten around to building a log cabin, but I’m pretty sure I’ve pitched a tent somewhere around here.

And for what it’s worth I now have NO PROBLEMS putting experience at the top of my wish list! Most of the Ts on my reference websites are only recently qualified and they get a big black cross - I now realize that experience is vital for this kind of deeper emotional work and anyone with only a few years experience is definitely not someone I would bother even contacting. It’s not something that would have bothered me before, but now I see that the kind of therapy I’m needing requires a far greater depth of understanding that I think can only come with experience, than newly qualified Ts armed only with textbook learning and possibly life experiences can offer. I also put big black crosses next to any T on those websites who state CBT in their profiles - but then I did that last time and look where I ended up lol. I’m getting to the point where I think that by the time I find the right T for me I’ll have grown old and died, god I hope it’s sooner than that. Well I must be feeling more positive if I can joke about it I suppose.

Blackbird - (nearly done phew) - you ask about transference. As I said above I have never experienced positive transference, ever, with a T. But negative transference - undoubtedly! Only it’s not really transference in the sense that I’m re-enacting patterns with childhood figures, it’s more like my own peculiar brand of paranoia. I am aware of experiencing people as seeing me as bad and more or less know that that’s something in my head (based on an intensely psychotic experience I had at 16) so I tend to override most negative perceptions of people that I get and intellectually assume they are much more well intentioned than I experience. The trouble with that is that I can’t then rely on my emotional perceptions to tell me the truth about what’s going on and end up staying with people who actually are being bad (or not good) to me because I automatically assume it’s my misinterpretation of their motives. That’s what’s been happening with this T, for months now I’ve discounted a lot of my own perceptions about him because I know I have a lot of unreal negative interpretations of things so I explain my reactions with stuff like ‘I expect too much’ ‘I’m being too demanding and needy’ ‘I’m being defensive’ ‘I’m seeing bad motives where none exist’ etc etc. So I can get into a real tailspin if I’m with someone who isn’t being straight and honest or who also discounts my perceptions (whether intentionally or not) - I automatically assume they are right and I am wrong and it’s very very hard for me to find a space where I can weigh things up and come to a proper decision. That’s happening here too already I am stuffing my feelings about my last session and thinking hm it’s probably me he probably does know what he’s doing and I’m just having a knee jerk reaction like some spoiled brat who isn’t getting her own way. Old message that one. So posting here and reading all your replies is really good because it’s down in black and white and lets me remember what is really going on with my T.

Have to say also that I’m now feeling a bit less hopeless because I’ve received replies from two therapists whom I emailed about arranging initial appointments (I have a short (very short lol) list of potential Ts from when I did my email shot last year and found the current T). It’s interesting that I had dismissed both of them at the time (didn’t meet with them) but now on rereading their blurb think they would be better for what I’m needing - and that is down entirely to this forum - everything I’ve learned about therapy and how it could be and what I want from it is really based on what you guys have talked about here, so openly and honestly telling your stories, that’s let me get an idea of things that I would never have dreamed of being able to do (like, telling T I am angry with him, or asking for things I want from him - ha ha not that it’s helped in his case, but it’s helped ME feel more directed in therapy.) So I have a much clearer idea of what I need from a therapist and that can only be good.

So once again thank you so much you four for your amazing and sympathetic replies and all the hugs - it means SO much to me right now, thankyou.

Lamplighter

Lamplighter, I'm so sorry for the pain you are in right now. I've done the same ranting and circling you describe, and have deleted lots of stuff before posting it (and sometimes after). So just know that you are always welcome here to say how you are really feeling and thinking about what is going on. And I'm sorry that you're having to consider starting "over". I know how painful and confusing and overwhelming that can be, and I hope it is not too long before you find a T who is a good fit for you. On the other hand, I can also say that finding a T who is a good fit has made a huge difference, because all the energy I was using in trying to make a less than good fit work is now going into the therapy. And I wouldn't have known what a good fit was, if I hadn't had a less than good fit first. Kind of a sucky way to learn it...but what can I say, sometimes that's just the way things happen.

Jones, I really appreciated the point you made about Lamplighter's T, and about different kinds of therapy and different goals:

quote:

...you don't need to worry about your T's competence or your judgement of him. There are plenty of people he can adequately serve, and as he gets more experienced there will be more. But he is not the one for you. That's not about your brokenness or badness, either. It's really not. It's about your personal needs...

I know you meant it for LL but it helps me too, in resolving and letting go of what happened with my former T. I very much believe he helps tons of people, I can very much see how his approach would help LOTS of people with shorter-term problems, he is obviously a favorite at that clinic (very hard to get in for an appointment), he is even one of the intake therapists who decides what T would be the best fit for a patient, if they don't stay with him. So I just need to let it go at the point you articulated so well. I really want to stop this stupid voice that keeps wanting to blame either me or him for why things fell apart. I don't even care if I'm right or not anymore, I just want to let it go and move on. And what you said helps me do that. So thank you.

I just wanted to say one more thing to both of you, about the requirement of experience. My current T's profile says she is a pre-licensed professional with 5 years of experience, so I passed her up a few times when I was first looking for a new T, because I wanted someone with more experience, and full licensure. But her profile also said she practiced psychodynamic therapy, which I knew by then is what I had been trying to do with my former T, and I was desperate, so I decided to try her anyway. Jones, I think I must have been in that really strong place you described, of knowing what I needed and wanted, because I could tell right away from that first session that she could do exactly what I wanted and needed to do. So I'm glad I was forced by circumstances to try her even though she didn't appear to meet what I wanted for experience. Because I really would have missed out if I hadn't tried.

I say she didn't "appear" to meet it, because over time I've come to believe that she does...it's just that her experience comes in another form. My T doesn't self-disclose much, and when she does it is always in the context of my therapy, but she's disclosed enough for me to put together that she's been through her own trials and her own therapy. That's where I think a lot of her experience comes from, and her knowledge in how to allow a safe space for me to feel. Because someone must have done it for her in her own therapy. And the part about being pre-licensed is simply because she recently moved back to this state after having gone to school somewhere else, and the licensing requirements in this state are such that she has to be under supervision for two years before she can receive a full license in this state. She actually has a full license in the other state where she went to school. So in her case, her experience was kind of "hidden" by her profile.

So that's it...just wanted to say that sometimes experience will show itself in the first "interview" session even if it isn't obvious from their profile. And many times a T won't charge for the first session or two, so you probably won't be out anything more than your time (there were two T's I met with once or twice when I was looking, and neither of them charged me anything, even though they took my insurance information, and I never formally gave a reason why I didn't go back). I wish you all (LL, Jones, Echo...and anyone else I missed) the best of luck in finding a new T who is a really good fit.

SG

LL

Oh poor LL, I'm sorry it's hard for you right now. Is it a case of you head telling you one thing and your heart another?

LL it's hard to give advice about others' therapists - what is good for one might not be for another and vice versa. What I read for others sometimes I think I could not cope with in my sessions and I am equally sure my Ts very slow gentle approach might frustrate others - but it is perfect for me.

What alarmed me though about what you wrote was
[QUOTE] [he doesn’t know how to handle the feeling work, just doesn’t know what to do despite my constantly telling him what I need him to say and do, you couldn’t get much clearer with someone than I do with him yet he never seems to take it on board, that’s what set the alarm bells ringing early on in the piece, and now I can’t really avoid the fact that he’s simply not hearing me no matter how hard he tries/QUOTE]

Ooo LL, it's so important that he must hear you, that's his job. Why is he not? He needs to check in with you frequently to be sure he is hearing you correctly, not just his interpretation. And you feel he is not understanding either...I once said to my T 'You don't understand', she replied 'can you keep talking to me about it then, so I can try to understand it better?' It sounds a bit like maybe he doesn't like what he hears (ie that he wants to be able to change your thinking/feeling maybe) and thinks he can do this by explanations and ratinalisations. In my most difficult times my T says very little, but somehow is still talking to me through the silences and my attempts to talk and 'get it out'. I find then that I will come to my solution, one that she probably realised ages ago, but she says it has to come from me for me to fully understand and integrate it, and it's true. So I would struggle too with the intellectualising and abstract discussions unless I thought they were actively helping me.

I am interested in the transference thing too, as I always thought I didn't have issues. I guess it depends on the type of tranference, won't we will always have some, good or bad? I am I suppose, needing my T to get me through this work, I am very fond of her and so grateful for all she has done but it doesn't feel like any more than that. We have a really good relationship and are both committed to this work, so I would find it hard if that was taken away. And I would miss her company, because we have spent a lot of time together and she is great! Does this make me unusual not to feel any more? Do tell me anyone!

SG I agree about your take on experience. I never knew about my Ts experience in the field that she has, never thought to check it out, didn't realise that I should, but I fell on my feet. And yes, I think you need to try them out for a session or two as SG says, what is promising down on paper can often behave differently in the flesh! And 'a good fit' is a great description SG.

LL I don't know if any of this helps, if not, then just at least take a hug to support you a bit ((((LL))))

starfish

Lamplighter-

I just wanted to ask, how goes it today? I hope you are ok. I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and hoping it falls into place soon. Are you shopping, or still thinking? Let us know what is up and how you are. Thinking of you-

BB

Strummer Girl, Starfish, Blackbird thank you so much for your supportive replies. I’d say more (ha ha how could I let you guys get away with just a few words from me) but right now I’m not thinking very straight.

As of yesterday I am officially T-less - I not sure how that’s affecting me yet just know that when I was driving away after the session I felt incredibly liberated and lighthearted which rather floored me.

Am in a bit of am emotional limbo right now just wanted to say thanks to everyone for listening to me and being so kind.

Lamplighter

wow, LL...That is amazing, quite shocking and unextected, I imagine. I can certainly understand that now you need some time to figure out where you at at, what next and so on.
Let us how it goes whenever you feel ready.

BB

LL

Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggg

starfish

Thankyou Blackbird and Starfish :hug:

Well where do I start? First of all the session yesterday went SO well - it was pretty painless despite all my fears and freaking out about it in advance not knowing what to say not even really sure that I wanted to finish with T.

I sort of came straight out with it at start of session, that I didn’t think therapy with him was working for me and that I couldn’t go on constantly trying to explain to him session after session what I needed and feeling like he never really understood it - that I was effectively telling him how to do his job and I couldn’t keep doing that. I kind of hedged my bets by saying I wanted a break from therapy with him to go see some other therapists to get a different perspective, because I still wasn’t really sure that I actually wanted to finish with him.

Well I guess I was pretty critical about him and also pretty scared about saying what I did but he was amazing about it - didn’t even flinch in shock or surprise (hm does he read this forum I wonder?) and he was so very open to everything I said it made it so easy to say what I had to and made me feel accepted - not a single expression of defensiveness or judgement came from him instead he was very giving to me about it all and I left actually feeling ok about the whole thing. And sad because he’s such a nice man and everything about him was good - EXCEPT that he didn’t get it about what I needed.

Was totally floored that driving away I had this feeling of liberation and lightness - at first I put it down to the fact that he’d made it so easy and made me feel ok about it all, and that ok it’s not final because I could always go back if I don’t find another T, but then I realized it’s because it wasn’t working never had worked and would never work and that I now felt freed from the vicious trap of constantly turning myself inside out trying to explain (to myself and to him) what the hell was going on why wasn’t I feeling any better why wasn’t I getting what I felt I needed how much of it was my fault how much (if any) his - so the feeling of liberation was like - thank god I don’t have to rake over my mind endlessly anymore trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, what I’m doing wrong in therapy, why I can’t seem to get what I need and most of all - finally I could really see that he just couldn’t help me as I needed to be helped. And that last realization was because of what he’d said and the way he was in this last session (which only lasted about 10 minutes).

I was able to see lots of the things that were going wrong in the therapy really clearly in the way he was this last session - even though he was really open and accepting and totally non-critical and non-judgemental, and even openly accepting his own part in the previous crap session - all positives, so positive in fact that I started to doubt my decision, until I recalled the things even in those 10 minutes that were and would continue to screw up my therapy. (Started to list them but for some reason feel really disloyal saying anything, sorry about that because it’s a big chunk of what’s going on.) Actually I can’t really put my finger on it, but I just have this definite sense inside that he can’t and won’t ever be able to help me and I need to go along with that or I’ll be screwing myself up badly by ignoring it.

Anyway all of this is making me feel REALLY BAD in the end - because I can’t really fool myself into thinking that he’s going to ever be able to help me so effectively it is finished, my little get out clause of being able to go back to him if other Ts don’t work out not there anymore. So it’s a bit like I’ve dropped into a black hole of isolation again - my damned needs getting in the way as usual and even an inadequate T better than no T at all and what the hell am I going to do now am I really going to be able to find another T who is going to help because god knows how many Ts I’ve seen over the years and none of them has ever got it why should it be any different from now on and so on and so forth and I really really do not want to go into that blackness. The fact that I felt so liberated after the session has only made it all the more confusing and painful - I really don’t now what I’m feeling or thinking and I don’t like where I’m at right now anyway - for some weird reason my usual ability to rationalize/intellectualize this kind of stuff has disappeared and I seem to be hovering above a big black pit of FEELINGS and there’s no T now to express those feelings to!

Damn it all it’s because the session before the last crap session was actually the type of session I’d been hanging out for since starting therapy again and I actually got in touch with some real feelings and was able to openly express them for the first bloody time in six months and then next session whammo shut up shop time again - but having had the experience of it now I know that’s what I want and need and am desperate to have/do it more and more and damn it all to hell NO T to do it with. Not something I can do alone either. So yeah maybe that’s what’s going on and why I feel so shit.

I see I’ve gone on and on and on again. Ok guys I think that’s me done for a while - back to shorter more meaningful posts from now on

LL not able to say too much as my head bit fuggy at the moment, but I am sorry for your unsettledness at being T-less, and can only imagine how hard that must feel. But I am pleased that you walked away with that sense of lightness and confirmation that it never had, nor never would, work - and that must make this huge difficulty a bit easier to bear.

Sorry I can't post any more right now, but I am thinking of you and will hope that you can find a little peace in your interim between Ts.

starfish

LL... thanks for sharing that. I do wish you the best in finding a T that you really feel connected to and that seems to be the one who meets your needs and understands you. This work is hard enough to do and if you are struggling with your T it just makes it harder. I truly believe it's my connection and strong attachment to my T that is responsible for so much of my growth and healing. If I didn't have this attachment to him I probably would have given up a while ago. It's my feelings for him that pull me back to therapy when things get tough and it's also the trust and faith I have in him to get me past the rought spots that keeps me there. Despite our disruptions I truly believe I am in safe and caring hands. I do hope that you find the same in a T out there.

TN

Ohhhh, LL, I am so sorry , isn't the confusion just the worst thing ever on the whole planet. I'd rather anything than that muddled thing. Oh, I really hope you can find a t who helps you connect to feelings...I really am starting to understand...without them, there is no compass...no heart, no compass, no vitatlity or reason. Oh, I really want to find my feelings...trying to feel them a lot, but still making it into an intellectual excercise. ugh. Need T to help. He is one person who makes me feel what I feel, even if I can't recognize what I feel right then, I know I am feeling...something or other.

Oh, I just want the right t to drop down out of the heavens and land on your shoulder and whisper his phone number in your ear, LL! Why can't it be like that, oh why?

Keep posting in the meantime, maybe we can all help a little bit.

BB

Wow, LL..

I'm so sorry for all that you're having to deal with with your T. I too hope that you can find another T who can really give you the caring and help that you deserve. I'm sorry I don't have much to offer you right now, but be sure to keep us updated on what's going on with you.

((((((LL))))))

Thank you guys for your care and support.

I’ve now started on the shitty hateful task of trying to find another T and am already hitting spinning-me-out crap. Will start another thread on that as I’m going to need a load of input from others to keep me sane and focused in this, it’s only been a couple of days and already I’m thinking that I’ve made a big mistake finishing with T.

So it looks like I’ll be back to massive posts and circular thinking again soon. LOL be warned.

True North what you’ve said about its being your strong attachment to your T which is helping you get through it is finally starting to make sense to me (and so now do others’ posts about their attachments and feelings about their Ts). I wish it were something I could magically just ‘do’ without endlessly needing the proof that a T can be trusted. Times like this I really hate being me.

Lamplighter