I have a lot of anxiety lately. It's been building the past two or three months. 6 times out of 10 the anxiety seems to be about feeling like I am a failure and nothing will change. The other times, the anxiety is because of a trigger or loss that comes up.

The anxiety is to the point that on an almost daily basis I will have a lot of physical stuff go on. I will have anxiety to the point of breaking out in a cold sweat. I don't really hyperventilate to the point of needing to breathe into a bag or my hands to not pass out, but I will sometimes (and only sometimes) breathe faster, or tend to hold my breath a little. I will be being anxious and fearful to the point of vomiting, and will litterally tremble with fear. This will last for HOURS. It eventually gets better, one way or another. Sometimes because I made it stop through bad coping skills, sometimes because I just seem to crash and then sleep, sometimes because I do sometimes find ways to bring my nervous system down with good ways of coping through breathing or addressing what has triggered the fear or talking through it or using endless amounts of grounding and mindfulness. On a few occasions, it gets so bad for so long, I get dissociative. It's just a lot of intense fear.

It does get better, but then it's just a few hours before it happens again.

Last week, my primary care doctor gave me meds, concerned about the physical toll on my body. As bad as I feel, it's not a great things. I'm ok with using them when it gets to the point I'm to the point of not being able to really function - i.e. shaking and vomiting for hours. But when I take them... the anxiety comes back like gang busters anyhow. I have to take a lot too. I have taken them in the past, years ago, at extremely small doses. 1/4 a tablet used to put me asleep. Now, even thought I have not taken them for years, 1/4 a tablet has no effect. I usually have to take 2 whole tablets.

The doctor gave me two meds - klonopin and ativan. I tried the klonopin yesterday, and it really gave me a lot of relief, in an almost scary way, for about 6 hours. It was scary because I am so desperate and it worked so well... I'm nervous I will get hooked. Badly. Alcoholism runs in my family, and while I don't drink, I think I still may have a tendency to get addicted, so I try to be careful - and yesterday, the relief was so amazing. I didn't feel happy, but I felt ok in my skin again. I felt relaxed, but not overly so. I felt like I could function and do things and not fight off this anxiety monster for a little bit.

My doctor also gave me Ativan. I took it once about 4 days ago. He told me to take a larger amount of it. I started off taking a really small amount and then waited 30 minutes and eventually ended up taking the amount he prescribed (in all - not in addition to the initial amount). It really affected me badly. I wasn't that sedated, some of the anxiety was relieved, but I felt really drugged and the walls were like.. it was like looking through "beer googles." And I still was somewhat anxious.

I'm not sure I will take either med again. I am working on getting a psychiatrist, but it will likely take a few months.

I wasn't like this just a few months ago. Then it was only happening 1 or 2 times a week. Now, it's pretty much daily.

Does this sound like panic attacks? But just really long ones?

I am becoming hopeless that I will find the kinds of therapy that would help this really change (like a new T to do EMDR or somatic work with). I also am begining to really think therapy is not for me, at least not for a long time.

My doctor did blood tests just to make sure there was no physical reason, and as expected, there isn't. It's just a lot of stuff all built up and now my nervous system is so senstive. But to be so anxious for HOURS is really taking a toll on my mind and body. I have no idea what to do to really work on the core of what is bringing this on so bad...

There were some things my old T and I were doing that were helping, but she is ending and I cant see her right now, because she is another trigger that is triggering such fear to the point of dissociating very badly in unsafe ways. Before her ending came up, I wasn't dissociating, but I was having these lengthy anxiety attacks. Now, things with my T have just pushed it farther. I'm not seeing her to end right now, and the dissociation is back under control, but now there is even more anxiety attacks, and I am so mixed up and don't know what to do but spend my days doing every grounding and mindfull skill I can to survive this.

I am baffled about these attacks being so physical, so intense, for hours on end.

Anyone experience anything like this?