Hi Hopeful - I like your username!
Being new here, I'm not really familiar with your situation, but it sounds like you are really reaching out to your T, and I would think that thats a good thing. How long have you been going to her? She should be able to help you face and deal with your emotions, but gradually and quite gently, I would hope. They can be so overwhelming at times that intellectualizing them or the situation behind them certainly makes sense - to me anyway! It can be a helpful coping skill to some extent, but it can also be crippling when we are left unable to "feel" or process what we're experiencing. I believe the struggle is worth the win in the end, though.

Be kind and patient with yourself, one day at a time.

Starry

((((((HOPEFUL)))))

I hope she calls. Keep us posted. It would seem odd to me if she was terminating you without even discussing it with you, wouldn't it?



Liese

Hopeful, are you saying that your T doesn’t know about the OCD type stuff that goes on in your head when you’re under stress? And am I right in understanding that you felt that she’s had enough of your silences and not being ‘there’ and you think she wants to terminate with you?

(And I’m sorry you feel so freaked that you have to resort to counting and internal repetition to cope with things – fwiw I have a constant counting thing in my head, but not to the point where it prevents me being present in most situations.)

Not really knowing the background (sorry, you might have already written about it on forum before) I’m wondering what she’s said or done that’s making you think she wants to ‘get rid’ of you?

What you’ve written is very open and honest, and good for you for taking the risk and posting it here. Are you planning on sending this to your T, or is it dependent on whether you go back for another session whether you bring it in to read to her? I see that you’ve cancelled two sessions, so things must have been pretty awful for you to do that – I hope you do give yourself a chance and go back and talk to her, it sounds like things are pretty confusing at the moment and maybe talking to her will help sort things out with her.

Hugs to you Hopeful.

LL

p.s. sorry for the twenty questions

Thanks for the responses...makes me feel really cared about on this forum.

Update:
She called while I was driving and we scheduled an appointment for the 17th which was when one of those appointments were scheduled. I told her on the phone that I thought she wanted to terminate...she said she didn't recall saying anything like that...I had to say it though because as devastating as it would be because that is what I always expect is going to happen I wouldn't want her or anyone to help me if they weren't up for it. I absolutely know I do this junk to myself and I have to deal with it...I guess this is what therapy does is brings these behaviors/patterns/fears into the light so they can be corrected. I know this stuff is learned from my FOO...specifically my dad.

Hi Starrynights,
Thanks...I like your username also. I don't post much but I should because the support is great here. I am trying to reach out and get what I need but I tend to beat myself up for even having emotions. I've been going for 14 months...when I do say something like "I'm so confused" or something she always says it's ok and helpful comments. I am very confused for sure...trying to take the good helpful things she says since I know they're true but my patterns are so ingrained. I think I just have big "rejection fears" just from childhood experiences and such. I read into things when it wasn't what was meant at all in the way I took it. I am trying to learn to be present. I know I am irrational with this stuff also.

Thank you for your kind words...I will try to be kind and patient with myself.

Hi Liese,
I had thought that was what was happening...that she was terming me...but then I thought my saying "but this is for me" that she was changing it...IDK...looks like therapy may go on for a good while for me which is ok. She actually is very gentle and kind...I just expect rejection I guess so I make myself hear that somehow. Thanks for the and back at ya!

Hi Lamplighter,
Nice to see you back around here as of late. I wondered what happened with you but so glad you are with the T from the summer. I guess I should show her what I typed when I go in...I've briefly mentioned it and I guess that "ocd stuff" took over it seems because the emotions were just too much...I actually don't know but that seemed to be the case. I have only felt emotion like that that time from something she has initiated and I'm usually quite talkative...so much so that I feel that I talk over the top of her so I was slowing down plus what I thought I was hearing felt shocking. That was the first time she wasn't going along with what I was giving her to read..."that wouldn't be therapeutic" in her words which I know is true. I was more anxious than usual that day...we need an emoticon for 'scaredy cat' because I would make good use of it when posting LOL. I don't think "now' that she has said or done anything for me to think that...I just feel that since I've been going for 14 months already and gone over the same stuff that I'm not good at this...although she has said like "what's the rush?" I am glad I'm writing to you all because I realize even more that I do stuff to myself...see because I used to think other people were the ones. I also know about myself though that I see the world with smeared up glasses or something but I seem to go back to old ways of thinking. I was impulsive in cancelling...although you couldn't have told me that at the time...I had made myself sick with worry...that has been my way. Thanks for the hug and back at you too.

Well this has been good therapy to hear from all of you. I will do this more often.

P.S. After I asked her on the phone was she terming me I wanted to do like this...

Thanks again everyone.

Hopeful

Hopeful, you are totally working to get through this, and I think that is so admirable.
My response to anything I'm not comfortable with, emotions or people or circumstances, is to hide behind that same couch you had in your last post.
So you gotta share the space behind it, ok?

We can all be our own worst enemies at times, eh? Sad how what was once done us - rejection, belittling, condemning, etc., we tend to just continue on our own. Sometimes anyway. But that being said, I'm sooo grateful for wise, compassionate therapists and the soul's innate drive to heal and to be healed.

Hugs to you,
Starry

Starrynights,
You're so nice...thanks. I said something to T once and I was so embarrassed and I told her there's this emoticon on this forum of hiding behind the couch...then I looked behind her couch and there was room...so yes we can hide back there together.
Yes we can definitely be that...yes to all that negative stuff people have fed us. I have benefited from others pointing stuff out to me today and another time some months back when I was new'ish here. I feel bad for my T that I could even distort stuff because she really is compassionate and wants her clients to get better...I almost want to call and apologize for that but I will next time I see her I guess. Good thing she is wiser and stronger than me.


Hopeful

quote:

then I looked behind her couch and there was room...so yes we can hide back there together.

HA! My T has room behind his, too! (I know because I check for spiders periodically - a whole 'nuther issue! )

Keep us posted on how the next session goes, ok?
Starry

(PS - We reeeallly need a "starry" emoticon - anyone in touch with the emotigods, put in a good word for me, ok? )

Starrynights,
Thanks you make me laugh! I will keep you posted but it's not til the 17th...long way off. I had a tiny bit of clarity today but it's gone...what was it???

I wish for more emoticons too!

Hopeful

quote:

I had a tiny bit of clarity today but it's gone...what was it??

Oy, I know! This happened to me right before my last appt - in my apparently now-final email to my T, I told him that I'd had a wonderful breakthrough, and that I was looking forward to telling him about it the next day. Well, I gor there and had completely lost focus, hehe. Good to know I'm not alone!
(Ironically, the breakthrough had to do with him, and had come after reading a post about "Why your therapist seems cruel, but really isn't," on AG's Tales of a Boundary Ninja.

Starry

UPDATE:

Hi Starrynights, Liese, LL
Just got back from my appt. and updating as requested. Kept it light...last three weeks were pretty much hell for me but started to feel better on Friday when T called me back to reassure me that we were still on for the appt. I just had.

I did lots of talking but just mostly explaining how difficult the last three weeks had been. I decided to go to once a month for now because I want some support but have to be pro-active in feeling better. Going to see about changing meds (Welbutrin) not working at all anymore (was on it for several reasons...appetite stuff and SAD for winter) but making matters way worse now that the weather has changed a bit and using xanax much more these days. Life changing stuff "empty nest" coming up this summer so if I need extensive help it will be then but doing a workbook in the meantime. Don't have the energy to work on psychology stuff or read the books I just bought (later for those) until "empty nest" because I'm trying to remain "intact" until daughter leaves in summer...hopefully afterwards too but we'll see.

A few small themes seemed to have come out of today's appointment that I was "aware" enough to catch...no disassociating stuff. 1. I guess I take care of others and worry about ruining their times but not worrying about my own. 2. I don't need to worry about T...she can deal with her own schedule. 3. I can ask for reassurance now and receive it and not feel like that's a bad thing. 4. T has never rejected me...like AG's blogs have said I have to ask for what I need but I have found it has always been provided.

Kind of thinking there...actually "for sure" there will be more work to do later but it has to be in small bits like "Muff" has stated and "Starrynights." I feel stable at the moment and hope to keep it that way.

Thanks for everything ladies. Next appt. is May 15th! Hope to keep that one light also.

Hopeful

Hi there Hopeful, thanks for the update. Sounds like you are backing off from therapy for a bit - which is no bad thing if you feel like it's pushing you beyond your limits at the moment. Going to once a month at least maintains a contact without it being an intrusive element in your life. It makes sense that you would want to keep your head clear and focused until your daughter flies the nest.

You sound very positive, that's great to hear

LL

Hi LL,
Thanks for following up here with me. I'm always back and forth with this therapy stuff but YES it has gotten very intrusive for now. This is a good place to go back and read the support from everyone and like a journal for the counseling.


Hopeful