yaku,
I am sorry you are going through this and for what it's worth, I really understand the emptiness and longing. That anticipation of knowing you will see your T, and then that looming thought of "It's only an hour and then T will be gone again and I will be alone." I definitely agree that as you are able to connect with him more deeply this may subside. The part that is toughest is the anxiety over separating may be what is actually blocking the level of connection you are needing.
I hear you yaku
sea

Hi Yaku,

You know, I think I had some of the same trouble for a while with my T when we didn't have consistent sessions, but the time in between sessions has been completely fine (for the most part) since we've had sessions at the same time on the same day for a few months now. It helps to go into the session and know, if I don't get to connect or whatever today, I know I can do it at this same time next week. It makes T seem more permanent and less like I have to constantly prepare myself to be on my own without a life vest.

((((Yaku)))) Can you express to your T how hard it is for you?

I agree with the others about the need to end things on time to eliminate any kind of subjectivity that goes into Ts determining when to end the session.

Thanks, I appreciate all the feedback. I really think you're all right about the consistency. I can't have a regularly scheduled appointment, but at least he has it down to me always being 8 or 9 pm on Monday or Tuesday night. So, four hours spread over two days that my appointment might be. That is more to do with my duties with Boo than his unavailability. I CANNOT come home and be Mommy right after counseling.

The more that I think about it, I don't think something in me is saying, "Hmmm, if I throw out all this stuff, T will stay with me longer." I think it's more like, all this stuff was just under the surface, but I literally freeze when I get there. Even if I have it written on a piece of paper, I sometimes cannot even read a single word of what I need to talk about. I cannot initiate. I go speechless, like preverbal type state. So, then when I realize we're supposed to be wrapping up, something inside is like, "Oh $#!+, if you don't get this stuff out now, it is going to weigh on you all week long." And the times when I just don't bring it up and sit with it all week long, my freak outs are far worse.

So, my new question is: how can T and I move me through that preverbal space into being able to initiate and share that stuff that is bubbling right below the surface EARLY in the session, to leave time to wrap up in the last 10-15 minutes?

Hrmm...well, he is in for a challenge, because I am literally incapable of cooperating, I think. Someone in there is always pushing, pushing...trying to sprint rather than pace herself. And I can't make her stop. I know you guys aren't trying to judge me (just like my T isn't trying to judge me when I can't slow down). But, it feels like everyone thinks I am pushing stuff on purpose. I'm really not. Stuff just keeps coming up and I have no tools to deal with it other than move through it as quickly and forcefully as possible. When I try to sit and wait in it...worse stuff happens. Yaku = total failure at being safe.

Sorry, DF. I didn't mean to trigger you. I still feel like it is my fault. T tries so hard and I am just obstinate, resistant, always doing things my own way no matter what. I'm sure you've probably noticed it about me. I'm really sorry if I upset you. You're not being too direct. Just because the truth is hard, doesn't make it less true. Doesn't mean I don't need to hear it. Right?

I wasn't refering to having a regularly scheduled appointment, though that is helpful. What I think is important is having a specific time limit on your therapy sessions. I think it is a recipe for disaster for your T to allow sessions to go well beyond a certain time frame. I think this sets you up for working hard to get him to keep the sessions on the longer side and when he doesn't do a longer session, then you may leave feeling abandoned, disappointed, wondering why he didn't keep the session longer that particular day..was he bored, tired of you, fed up with you, frustrated, annoyed, etc. It opens up the door for so much energy spent towards analyzing why he ended the session at a parttiulcar time rather than putting your energy into processing the content of your session. You really shouldn't be spending so much time analyzing your Ts behavior but should instead be putting that energy into you.

Having a 1 hour session that you know will end on the hour every hour provides you with a consistency that would allow you to put your energy elsewhere and not being worrying about the clock so much.

No, I knew you all were referring to consistent times (session lengths, starting on time, finishing on time), but I think the regularly scheduled appointments would help as well.

Today, he managed to keep it to just about one hour, though we started 20 minutes late, because of him running late and some phone problems on my end throughout. I was able to tell him to do his wrap up prayer 5-10 minutes before we finish now, so the praying thing isn't involved in my panic. It was a really difficult session and a lot of things are unresolved, but I'm feeling OK about it none-the-less. Sad he is gone, but not panicking.

(((Yaku)))

Glad you were able to feel okay about how things wrapped up today. Sounds like you are making progress.

Thanks, Monte. I do think it's good for him to leave things open for me when things need to run over...but also that we were doing it almost every time was probably setting me up for disaster in the long run. Honestly, I wish all sessions were 1.5 hours long, because the ones that have run that long are the ones I leave most grounded from. Any longer is too exhausting and any shorter I either leave regretting having held stuff in and not connecting or having started something we couldn't contain.

Well, today's journal entry is just laying it out there. I feel safe with it. We started the conversation in the session about the "invisible box" of our interactions that I cannot tell the size or shape of. To tell T all the ways Kiddo feels about him and the things she wants. And to tell him how my caretaker is trying to contain her with stifling messages and projections, to keep her safe from getting hurt. Revealing this stuff feels completely OK. However, I am also telling T that it may be all I can do right now. To reveal those feelings of want and the amount of pain I'm putting myself through trying to stifle them. I'd like to negotiate through them, but I may not be ready and I told him that we both need to figure that out together. I hope he reads this journal entry before next session.