I had two very difficult sessions with my T this week. The first I wrote a post about. The second happened on Wed. night and we continued our discussion from Monday. I think my T understands me but doesn't agree with me. It was really painful and I ended up telling T that I didn't think what happened to me was that bad and I was actually arguing and angry with him. I am missing my session tomorrow because of the holiday.

I am so anxious and agitated I want to tear off my skin. I'm not sure why. I've been on a roller coaster of feelings since wednesday night from grief, anger, fear but I keep coming back to the anxiety. I know part of it is because I'm not going to see T tomorrow (but I will on Wednesday) and I have no way to contact him on weekends.

Last night I spent time facebook stocking my T's family. I first did this about a month ago and confessed to my T right away because I found his wife's facebook page but didn't see anything else. Now her photo albums are public and I saw pictures of their kids and pets. I felt guilty about it last night but I stopped feeling anxious. Today the anxiety is back. I can't find a way to interrupt it. Even my usual strategy of overeating isn't making a dent in it.

So I'm still anxious. I have the confusion and argument about what happened in my childhood and if it was bad enough to effect me. Now I'm also worried about what I saw on facebook even though it was all public. There is a big part of me that doesn't want to know what is family looks like. I already imagine them to be perfectly happy and healthy and lucky to have him in their lives forever.