You ask some really great questions TAS.

I have experienced extreme dislike, and anger, at my reg T. Several times. I did tell my T. Not the first time. But I did tell her about the 3 other times I started to feel really badly towards her. I just flat out said, "right now, this is how 'I feel about you." It was very hard to say. I ended up jut half blurting it out, and then wanting to run away, like right out of the therapy room. It was so hard to share with her, but I'm glad I did, and I'm glad I didn't run away either! It really helped. She helped me talkd about what in the relationship with her as going on - and addressed anything that was happening in the present that I might be responding to, and we also looked at transference issues. The last time I told her, I said, "um... I am begining to feel really frustrated with what you are saying or you or something, it doesn't make any sense to me, and I'm not even sure it is about you, but I just kind of wanted to give you a heads up this is how I am feeling...." and that time. my T said it was good to know she wasn't sure how to help, but she would keep it in mind, and if it became any more clear as to what my frustration was about, we could talk about it. The next time I saw her, it was gone. In that case, I think it helped on some level for me to just know it was ok, and it didn't increase, and it kind of faded away (or maybe was actually about something else that was happening that got resolved.) Everytime, I hoped it would just pass without saying anything. I might have if I had not said anything. I'm not sure. I am glad for the deeper work that came from telling her. and aslo for when there was something she and I needed to do different in the therapy, that may not have changed, unless I had said I was felling badly about her. It's weird, because in most other relationships, I would not be nearly so inclined to say something, unless I really could not overlook it and had to stay in relationship with the person. But with my T, when therapy is about so much, including what my reactions are to the T, the theraputic relationship itself, it seems to help me when I say it to her. It's just so hard for me to spit out. I always have felt bad for a bit afterwards, but my T will reassure me endlessly and even thank me. Then again, she might just be a little nutty. :P
~ jane

I guess you could say I bounce between love and hate. I always love her even when I am SO angry with her, and I know those feelings wont drive me away completely. I just recently went on a rampage storming around about her because she said something I misinterpreted. I walked into session, sulked, stewed, crossed my arms, said I didn't care and she just sat there through it all. She said "hey, it's your session. I'm here when you are ready and it's okay for you to feel these things." I was taken aback. Nobody's ever responded to me like that before. I expected her to hit me(not really) or tell me that my behavior was stupid/unacceptable. But, no. She accepted me! I was shocked!

I always end up feeling bad after I get mad at her. But, then I realize after we talk things through that sometimes/most of the time it's projection and I am transferring some negative feelings onto her. I have seen that a lot. I have severe attachment issues relating to an abusive/neglectful relationship with my womb donor. So, poor T gets lots of that projected into our relationship. Luckily, she's strong and can handle me!

Love is another story. I love my therapist and I have been known to spout off loving words everywhere to anyone who will pay any attention at all to me. But, with T, I have refrained from spilling the beans. I am kind of surprised at myself. BUT, I do feel like the woman is a warm blanket wrapped around my life. It feels good when she's around, and I always feel good right after session because being close in that relationship with her is what keeps me going. She makes me feel like I am strong. I LOVE her. Shhh. Don't tell, okay?

Hi TAS,

I had extreme feelings of anger/hate towards my T last year. I think these feelings were in response to feeling like he was ignoring my needs or feeling humiliated or ashamed by something he said or did but was unable to verbalize because they were in the province of the "unthought known".

I wanted to say the most hurtful and hateful things to him but held my tongue. It turned out he didn't fully understand me and it was all unintentional. The hurtful/hateful things I wanted to say turned out to have some validity. However, he has since shown a willingness to be more flexible with me, brushed up on his knowledge where he was lacking, taken a big look at himself and how he was contributing to the problems in our relationship and proven that he is sincere in wanting to help me. So those extreme feelings have softened incredibly.

The whole experience, while difficult at the time, has been an incredible learning experience for me on so many levels. First of all, in the end, he did what my parents couldn't do. He validated my experience and also owned up to his contribution to what had happened between us. He is a big subscriber (and now I am as well) to the belief that relationships are co-created. It helped me take a look at my relationships with my children, how I interact with them and think about changes I can make to make my relationships with them better. It helped me to really see, although it was something I knew before but didn't know exactly how to apply it, how they need me to validate their feelings while at the same time allowing for my own.

If I could describe how I felt last year, I would say that it felt like someone was taking a red hot poker and searing me with it. (Is searing the right word?) There were other times when the anger felt as if it were taking over me, as if there was suddenly an alien in my body. Thankfully, the intense pain and anger have subsided. I still have them but they are not quite as strong as they were.

One of the most powerful and helpful things my T ever said to me (and i must tell her this) was that in our first real session she said to me that she is in the therapy relationship with me for the long term and there will be times where we both stuff up or that I hate her and I will lover her and that might even be at the same time".

At the time I thought she was the crazy one to be saying that. Love and Hate at the same time. Crazy.

But it didn't take very long for me to realise what she meant. And boy did I do it a lot. Not so much the love on the same day as the hate, but maybe a week later. It took so long for me to feel safe in telling T that i was angry at her and I hated her. Each times it has happened I have been able to slow things down and work out why I would feel rage, anger and hate towards her and I can talk about it with her. Because we now have a solid attachment, we both know that I will move on from those emotions to other ones. When I am in the loving phase (which i don't know what the love feels like - but it not thehate one...) then her and I can get a lot more real therapy done, but then i get freaked that she is getting too close and I chuck a hate fit again. That old rollercoaster thing.

Me talking about my anger and hate towards her (and he stable, consistent and accepting response) quite possibly has been one of the most healing aspects of my therapy.
Somedays