TAS,

I have been asking that very same question of myself and my T. My T is a huge trigger for me. It was getting to the point a few months back that just thinking of going to therapy nearly sent me into full blown anxiety attacks and often leaving sessions I felt on the edge of self-harm. The transference was/is super heavy and I feel like I have been blasted right back into reliving the trauma I suffered as a child.

The transference did in fact block me from sharing feelings and revealing facts about my abuse because my mom was my abuser and I have found some of Ts characteristics to be like my moms. When I became aware that it was a block I talked to T about it and when I didn't get satisfactory help from her I sought out another T to help me get to the underlying issues of the transference and that served as a huge gateway for me to start talking to my T and sharing more.

For so long I struggled as perceiving my T to be cold and withholding and it really brought up so many feelings for me. Anger at her for being withholding, feeling like I am not deserving of warmth... and the list goes on. It wasn't until just this past week that I gave T a letter telling her that I need more validation for my feelings and experiences and somehow that led into me disclosing new information about trauma to her. Had my T not had a favorable response to my plea for what I need right now, I was planning on leaving therapy with her because it was just pushing me over the edge.

At one point I told her and consult T that I needed her because she is my trigger, and I want to get to the core issues and learn how to manage the strong emotions that come up in this relationship so I have the skills to deal with uncomfortableness in other relationships as well.

as far as dealing with the withholding bit, I actually used text examples and verbatim responses she made in therapy and discussed them with her and explained to her how and why I viewed her responses as being cold and withholding of warmth. I even gave her examples of what I would find to be more warm responses. All the while she was reading I felt like I was freaking inside, but I think we finally made some huge headway.

Hey Tas -

I'm going to see if I can write up my personal guidelines on this. It's a great question, because a triggery T-relationship CAN be either helpful or harmful (or sometimes a mix of both).

Signs that the relationship is helpful:

-T accepts all your feelings. May sometimes challenge your understanding or expression of feelings, but without shaming or blaming (tricky part: clients sometimes feel shame and blame that appears to come from the T, but is their own).

- This doesn't mean T accepts all expressions of feelings. There may be limits on destructive behaviour, abusive language, unrelenting blaming, disruption of sessions, etc. Limits are clear, consistent and subject to communication for mutual understanding (though they may not always be spelled out in advance).

- T finds ways to express care, despite the charge and challenges of the relationship. May not always be direct/verbal (tricky part: clients sometimes struggle to recognise/absorb expressions of care. T should be committed to working towards this with you).

-T works together with client to heal and learn from ruptures. Takes responsibility for their part in ruptures.

Signs that the relationship is harmful:

-T rules out some of the client's feelings (not just particular expressions of them), makes them unwelcome one way or another.

- T's self-serving feelings and needs are in the room. Tricky part: T may helpfully express feelings and needs that serve the client and relationship (e.g. need to hold boundaries, feelings that offer helpful feedback on client's process).

- T is emotionally unpredictable or labile. Their feelings/reactions are bigger than the client's.

-T is unwilling to repair ruptures. Is blaming, angry, resentful, punishing, 'owed' something, deceitful, defensive and/or avoidant about the rupture. Tricky part: some of these reactions may briefly emerge in the rupture even from a helpful T. They should not emerge often, and should be repaired quickly as the rupture is repaired.

to be honest, TAS, i do not think it is possible to logically think these things through without the feelings chiming in, so it makes sense that this is difficult. I think that these FEELINGS brought to the forefront are what therapy quite frankly is all about. they ARE painful, but i do think that to deal with these feelings is helpful and critical to living an honest life, to understanding what we're each all about, where those feelings originate and why. what sets them off? i do think that when we look at that stuff and understand and accept them that they given much less power over us, how we perceive others, how we perceive others' perception of us, and how we live our lives. but, i think it is critical and pivotal to not only acknowledge these feelings, but to talk to the very person that triggers these feelings. it's very difficult to do, and can very painful. but to talk them over with your trigger person can provide you amazing healing and strength. i think the most harmful thing would be to over-think this stuff and not talk about it with your trigger. therapy, I think, is an opportunity beyond our wildest dreams.

TAS, I am pretty convinced that these feelings are going to get triggered in any close relationship you have. The question is more about how you and T deal with that reality.

What I will say though is that from what you report, your T has been fairly steady. Although we might not all agree on where he draws the limits (maybe more contact would help you), he is not giving red flags to me of being a bad therapist. And I have observed over time from your posts on this board that you have continued to sound more aware of yourself and your feelings. That to me means you have been making progress, even if it's felt like a hundred deaths.

Ghost Girl: For you to have gone and consulted with another T, to me, takes tremendous bravery and knowing what you need I have always been scared to do this, for some reason. I have done it twice with the same T. in the two and a half years I have been seeing the main T.

I am glad you made headway this week as sometimes, we can feel so stuck and all we need is for something just to dislodge so we can move forward. Sometimes the fear keeps us from moving forward and it seems you are moving in a forward direction, which is wonderful!

Thank you for sharing your experience with me and it gives me some idea in the direction I need to go when he returns from vacation. I have purposed I am going to tell him I NEED him to be more open with me. I can not continue therapy without him being in the room. It's as if I can not feel him and this is one of those things where I am unsure if this is my past speaking or if this is what is really going on in the now.

All the best, T.

Jones: Thank you for so succinctly laying this out. It definitely cuts through the cobwebs and helps me see things a little clearer. The T. I see fits in the 'relationship is helpful' category. Thank you for this as it is so helpful! T.

Closed Doors: This is what makes it so difficult...talking it through with the T. who is triggering you. I can not tell you the fierce fear that comes upon me when I need to do this. I completely shut down. I can not look at him, speak about it to him and my brain goes on silent. I am trying to push myself past this fear, which is so VERY HARD. I get so frozen I start to question whether I am even cut out for relationships. Truly. To be intimate with another by sharing why I am feeling what I am feeling, especially if the other is the cause or trigger of it, so difficult for me to navigate through this. I guess this is why therapy is definitely WORK.

BLT: Yes, a hundred deaths. But you are correct when you say he has been fairly steady. And he doesn't allow outside contact but I was having a mini freak out a couple of weeks ago and told him I had to know if he was mad at me before I came to session or otherwise, I could not come. He did text me back and was once again, constant.

I have put this poor man through hell. This abandonment issue and so many other things are like an abyss. What will satisfy, quench, or fill the longing for what never can be?

Thank you T.

quote:

What will satisfy, quench, or fill the longing for what never can be?

that is the ultimate question, isn't it? you'll be a rich person when you can figure that one out

BTW: TAS, you are by no means alone in your struggle to get close to your T. It most definitely IS work. but you're not alone. we're all here with you

Thank you CD. One step at a time and I believe we are all doing the best we can with what we know

All the best,
T.